The Poet's Eye
     commentary by Lightning Rod

The Poet's Eye is skeptical without being cynical,
innocent without being naive and critical without
being judgemental.

Fearless Predictions--2005
for release 01-03-05

Oh, we have a power packed year ahead of us. If you think 2004 was fun, just wait.

I don't usually make predictions. Observations are more my style. But if I were predicting events in 2005, they might look like these:

The Iraq 'elections' are at the end of this month. I noticed that the Michael Jackson trial is also starting then. A convenient diversion. I wonder which will be the bigger fiasco?

This year will likely see the replacement of both the Pope and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Desmond Tutu would make a good Pope. How about Jerry Falwell for Chief Justice?

The President will try to solidify his hold on the Nascar vote by pulling a victory lap at Daytona. Dale Earnhadt Jr. will actually be driving, but The Prez's fire suit will look macho and stylish.

Mel Gibson will mount the production of his new movie, "The Passion of Bush."

The Washington Post will break the story of an affair between White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan and Laura Bush. The story will quickly die because nobody will believe that these two could have sex without actually mussing their hair.

Colin Powell will enjoy his retirement by starting a chain of Bar BQ restaurants.

Microsoft will release the first version of Windex, a program designed to clean the crapus from the previous seven versions of Windows. Gates gains another twenty pounds.

Dick Cheney will resign due to problems with his heart stint that is radio controlled by the CIA. Jeb Bush will be appointed as his successor and heir apparent.

Condoleeza Rice will record and album with Lisa Marie Presley. It will be a huge hit overseas but sales will lag at home.

Lockheed-Martin will get the half-a-billion dollar contract to install the tsunami warning system in the Indian Ocean. (See story below.)

Terrorists will strike directly at the heart of our culture by detonating a bomb in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Washington State will declare legal hemp and free internet and apply for Canadian statehood.
There will be a Constitutional Amendment declaring marriage legal between cats, dogs and goldfish as long as they are male and female.

Al Qaeda will be listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

Merke will market a new drug designed to prevent liberal thinking. You will see commercials for it on Fox News. Ask your doctor about it.

Social Security will go the way of the Lindy Hop and Big Band Music.

The US will, through foreign wars and lavish tax-cuts for the rich, be mired in eternal credit card debt. Some might start to guess that Laissez-faire ain't fair.

The limits of credulity will continue to be stretched by the mega-media machine that persists in telling us that black is white and war is peace and that hate is love. Newspeak will become the National Language. Learn it or starve. You're either with us or against us.

Of course there are things that will happen this year that are beyond the sight of The Poet's Eye. Rush Limbaugh might grow his hair out, who knows?

Washington (AP)-- The Department of Defense has awarded a five-hundred million dollar contract to Lockheed-Martin to install a tsunami warning system in the Indian Ocean. A Defense Department official, speaking on conditions of anonymity said that the contract was awarded without open bidding because of the urgency of the situation.

The system will consist of thousands of fishing corks implanted with microchips and set afloat in the Indian Ocean. These can be tracked and plotted to within inches by means of Global Positioning Satellite. With the price of electronic components being what it is today, the sea based part of the system will cost an estimated ninety-seven dollars. The GPS satellite will only be about ten million and it can double as a spy satellite. The bulk of the remaining four-hundred and ninety million will be devoted to needless profiteering and executive perks and a public relations bombardment to convince the people in the region and here at home that the program will make them safer.

The Pentagon proceeded with this emergency measure even though The Public Accounting Office estimated that it would be more cost effective to provide everyone in the coastal regions of the Indian Ocean with life jackets and surfboards.

The White House has announced that after snoozing on the disaster for three days, the President will send his only begotten...er....elected brother and the Late Great Collin Powell to the region so they can film a couple of commercials for compassionate conservatism before we call it a day and put the whole thing on the same shelf with the humanitarian and health disasters in Africa.

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