The
Poet's Eye
commentary by Lightning Rod
the Poets' Eye is skeptical
without being cynical, innocent
without being naive and
critical without being
judgmental
Gullable's Travels
06-03-04
A
MODEST PROPOSAL
FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN IRELAND
FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR PARENTS OR COUNTRY, AND
FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLIC —
"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance
in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most
delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked,
or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee
or a ragout."
– Jonathan Swift, 1729
complete essay by Swift
This was the first version of the No Child Left Behind policy. In his
cunningly diabolical essay, Swift, with a straight face, proposed the
fattening of Irish babies for English tables.
I don't necessarily imagine George Bush as being capable of satire, but
if he were, his No Child Left Behind act is a great comedy routine. It
is another example of the shell games that this government and most Republicon
governments of recent memory have been playing.
They say they are cutting taxes when actually they are shifting the tax
burden to more local jurisdictions. You don't have to be a rocket scientist
to calculate that any possible tax cut you might have achieved from Bush's
much heralded largesse was soon consumed at the gas pump. Taxes come in
many guises. Follow the money. By 'cutting' taxes and then raising oil
prices, the executives at Bushco have effectively redirected the flow
of funds from the public treasury, where they could be used for minor
niceties like healthcare and education, to the pockets of their cronies.
If you want a real laugh, go check out how Bush managed taxation for education
in Texas.
Which brings us back to the babies. It would seem that with all the Republicon
zeal for anti-abortion, that a variation on Swifts proposal would be in
order today. Let's fatten poor (or Democrat) babies for rich tables. I
don't know why the geniuses among the elite haven't thought of this. Surely
they've read Swift.
They could call it The Return of No Child Left Behind. No, no, no —
they could call it REVENGE of No Child Left Behind. It could be presented
as a benevolent, forward-looking social program. You know, in the compassionate
conservative sense. The poor children would go to market as infants and
the rich ones can go to private school. Education problem solved.
This could be a solution to a number of things that the neopubs see as
nuisances. Take immigration for instance. Just think of what one of those
fat little Mexican babies would look like on Dick Cheney's table next
Thanksgiving, roasted to a golden browner with a Chilean apple in his
mouth.
And some people like dark meat — our race problems are solved. Abortion
would be a thing of the past. Welfare? History, thanks to supply-side
economics. Birth control? Fergiddaboudit. Why would anyone want to destroy
the produce before it is ready for market? A one year old suckling is
the best, according to Swift. (No, I don't mean the meat company, I mean
the satirist.)
This practical change of diet would also solve our criminal justice and
prison horrors. Ok, maybe not the ones in Iraq. As everyone knows, poor
children grow up to be criminals. (Or at least Democrats). Does a light
go on? Turning a liability into a resource? We eat the potential little
criminals. Like Ollie North said, "..a neat idea." I'm told
that wild meat is very tasty. We would have to watch out for Mad Baby
Disease, of course, but we could institute testing by confiscating their
Pampers. I don't know if the Department of Agriculture should do it or
the FDA or the Dept. of Health and Human Services, but I'm sure that Homeland
Security could figure that out since they have been so successful thus
far at coordinating federal agencies. I know we can trust our government
to tell us if the little tykes are fit to be et.
The only problem I see with this solution is that, given this country's
propensity for consumption, soon domestic production would be outstripped
by demand and we would have to start importing babies from the third world,
frozen in giant refrigerator ships. Halliburton would probably devise
a method of lubing the little morsels up with vegetable oil and sending
them through a pipeline.
I'm not sure what the proper protocol would be for poor mothers to take
their unnecessary offspring to market and be compensated but I'm positive
that the drug and insurance companies could work out a plan for this and
have it Swiftly approved by Congress.
Soon there would be fluff 'news' stories on the networks about the health
benefits of baby meat. Demand would go up. Even the middle classes would
start eating the fryers and the broilers. That would mean more imports
and probably the need for a North American Free Cannibalism Agreement.(NAFCA).
The next thing you know we would be invading other countries for their
babies. We would call it "Baby Liberation," I'm sure.
The Poet's Eye gives a Swift wink.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal
interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other
motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing
for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich.
I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest
being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.— Swift
•
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