The Poet's Eye 
           commentary by Lightning Rod

the Poets' Eye is skeptical
without being cynical, innocent
without being naive and
critical without being
judgmental

Vote Oprah
for release on 09-16-04

The Repubs really missed the boat by placing Alan Keyes on the Illinois ballot instead of Oprah. They tried for Mike Ditka and my guess is that they probably approached Oprah too. She likely turned them down because her obviously democratic leanings or because she is waiting to run for president and a move to the US Senate would be a step-down from her current platform. She has a national constituency, why should she settle for representing just one state?

Even General Motors went to Oprah when its Pontiac G6 was not creating the desired market stir. I can see the execs in the promo dept. at GM saying to themselves, "If Oprah can make a turgid Russian novel number one on the best seller list, just think what her endorsement would do for our cars. Let's give her three hundred or so G6's and see what happens. It'll only cost us seven mil."

So on Oprah's season premier she gave away 276 Pontiac G6's to everyone in her handpicked audience. They were handpicked because their cars were either dead or dying. So they were delighted to get the keys to a new one. And they expressed it for the cameras. That's advertising that money can't buy.

Oprah has always been Ms. Feelgood. Even if feeling good means a good public cry. I would support her for president. I mean, if she gives a new car to everyone in her audience, just think what she could do for America. Yes, that's a ticket I could support--Oprah Winfrey and the Tooth Fairy.

Since the race for Leader of the Free World has degenerated into a likability contest anyway, why not just go pure show-biz with this thing and elect Oprah? I like her better than either Kerry or Bush anyway. Don't you? And she has a sterling record. No audience member left behind, etc.

It would be a wonderful country if Oprah were elected. If you had a rough childhood, Oprah would be there with a check to provide you with a college education. If you are ugly, look in the box under your seat and you will find a coupon for plastic surgery. Read Prez Magazine with Oprah's picture on the cover of every issue.

Oprah's cabinet would be star studded I'm sure. Tom Cruise as Secretary of Whack Religions, Bill Cosby as Secretary of Education, Carl Rove is just warming a seat for Dr. Phil. I'm sure there would be a Secretary of Diet and Nutrition, maybe Martha if she's out of the slammer by then, and Maya Angelou would be poet laureate. Depak Chapra would of course be Secretary of the Interior. State would probably remain with Collin Powell but might go to Patti LaBelle. She will likely have to wait until her second term to appoint P-Diddy as attorney general.

How would Oprah handle the war in Iraq that she inherited from George Bush? Simple. She would just go and do a show from Baghdad and give every citizen a democratic make-over. By the time she is finished with them you won't be able to tell a Shi'ia from a Sunni or a loyalist from an insurgent. Even the terrorists will look like GQ fashion plates and they'll feel better about themselves.

And she would have no problem handling Congress. Just look under your seat and you will find a golf junket, a new car or a free call-girl. Bill passed.

The polls are showing that voters are evenly split, not so much pro-Bush or pro-Kerry as they are anti-Bush and anti-Kerry. It's time for a write-in campaign. Lightning Rod, for one, will gladly bow out of the race and I'll bet we could convince Nader to withdraw as well, if we could just draft Oprah.

The Poet's Eye sees a new day for America. Oprah has a proven record. She has cried at just the right times. She has helped us with our diets, she has mended our marital and grooming problems, she has made us feel like a family, she is the mother of all children, she will provide healthcare for all, even pets. Oprah is the dawn of this new day in America.

The Poet's Eye
HOME

Lightning Rod
World Headquarters

Studio Eight.tv
Showcase for
Writers, Artists,
Musicians & More

Studio Eight Forums
Discuss the Arts
& Comment on
The Poet's Eye

Freedom Hall
say anything

doreenperi.com
Art, poetry, music

•

to comment on this article
email Lightning Rod here