The Poet's Eye 
        commentary by Lightning Rod

the Poets' Eye is skeptical
without being cynical, innocent
without being naive and
critical without being
judgmental

 

Wetback Angels
for release on 11-29-04

What will determine the outcome of the current strife in our world will be whose idea of Heaven prevails.

This is why the Christian Right is circling the wagons. These guys are scared. They are scared, not of going to Hell, because in their conceit they assume they will be part of the elect; what they are afraid of is that the Christians whose nickels hit the plate every Sunday morning will find out about this other Heaven enjoyed by Muslims.

I mean there is nothing wrong with eternal peace, piped in hymns and sitting at the throne of god all day long admiring His majesty and all that, but it hardly compares to hot tubs full of virgins that feed you ambrosia in gardens of earthly delight. If people of faith start comparison shopping, the Christian business could go the way of mom and pop stores when Wal-Mart hits town.

It's like the difference between Branson, Mo and Las Vegas. Branson has Andy Williams and the Gatlin Bros. singing hymns and Vegas has gambling, free drinks and gourmet buffets, six-foot show girls with forty inch bust-lines, drag-shows, and you can be married by Elvis. Where would you rather spend eternity?

So it's understandable why the Christians are edgy about the subject of Heaven. They are anxious to guard their franchise from foreign competition. They must feel like GM and Ford felt like when the Japanese started making cars that would get forty miles per gallon when the old Fords and Chevys were getting fifteen. What did Detroit do? They redesigned and retooled.

That's what the Christians should do about Heaven if they really want to get market share. They need an extreme makeover. Fashion-wise, Heaven is still in the late Renaissance. What's with the robes and harps? It looks like a cult up there. Get a little style and variety, you guys. Think Hip-Hop. To make Heaven really sell, you need Malls up there full of boutiques and gift shops and gambling arcades. Oh, yeah, Starbucks. Make a deal with The Gap and Victoria's Secret.

And all this piece and tranquility stuff has got to go. To make heaven an exciting place we need professional sports and gambling and violent movies and video games. Loud music. Ice skating rinks. When you are selling salvation, you have to give the customer what he wants. Heaven is big enough for a NASCAR track, right?

I don't want to be a party pooper here, but I must tell you, the Hell thing is a definite liability. You need to get rid of it. I know the carrot and stick method has worked well in the Heaven Timeshare scam for centuries, but this is a new age of marketing. You want ALL the customers, not just the righteous. I recommend amnesty. If you abolished Hell, it would solve the immigration problem. Low income housing would be a good solution to this. Put the semi-righteous and the downright sinners in the slums, not in Hell. That way they can still get to the Wal-Mart. Even Heaven has an economy. The only possible purpose for Hell would be as a place to get immigrant workers, and since the wages of sin are low these days, perhaps you could outsource jobs there.

The Poet's Eye sees that the real immigration problem will develop on the border between Heaven and Paradise. The economy is bound to be much better in Paradise because houris and ambrosia and steamy, lush gardens and fleshly pleasures just sell better than prayers and harp music. This means that the souls in Heaven will be encouraged to swim the River Stix much as the Mexicans swim the Rio Grande, in order to seek a more glorious and affluent afterlife. Even the dead want to be upwardly mobile. I wonder if illegal immigrants from Heaven can get a driver's license in Paradise? Will there be terrorist angels?

The Poet's Eye blinks and wonders: Whose version of Heaven will sell?

To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.---from Kubla Kahn
by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

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