|
Osama
bin Humbug
for release 12-20-04
The
children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of terrorists danced in their heads.
And Mama in her flak jacket, and I in my cap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.
When out on Manhattan there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
I
have begun asking myself what I want Santa Claus to bring me this year.
Something tells me the Porche is out of the question. I've been a good
boy, but not that good. I don't like Rolexes, besides I have a perfectly
good watch that cost under fifty dollars. A trip to Buenos Aires or Rio
would be nice this time of year but my passport is out of date.
The truth is that I haven't enjoyed Christmas for some time, like from
about when I figured out that the Jolly Old Elf was a wino with cigarette
breath and a fake beard that worked for the department store. There's
something about the obligatory nature of the event that rubs me wrong.
We are obliged to give presents, as if the economy would go belly up without
the annual orgy of gift buying. And then there are the obligatory family
gatherings where you have to make polite talk while choking down Aunt
Ethyl's pumpkin pie. I've never liked pumpkin pie. I think pumpkins should
be reserved for jack-o-lanterns. They are pretty to look at, but who would
want to eat one?
Another reason I don't like Christmas is because it usually requires a
trip to my least favorite place on earth this side of the North Pole.
I'm talking about the shopping mall, one of those noisy garish shrines
to the unnecessary. If Jesus walked into one of those places he would
topple the ATM machines. But I'll spare you the tired sermon on how the
spiritual meaning of Christmas has been lost in the modern mire of materialism
and commercialism. You've heard this so many times that it has become
as obligatory as a Christmas carol. The complaint is as old as Dickens.
I'm not trying to be Scrooge here and bah-humbug the whole season with
it's interminable and synthetic good cheer. Christmas is kind of like
Communism. It's a good idea in theory but almost obscene in practice.
Human greed and gluttony will always overtake and corrupt philosophies
like Communism and Christianity and Islam, that are based on sharing and
giving.
What I would really like this Christmas is to sit down to dinner with
Osama bin Laden. He's sort of like the anti-Santa Claus. He would probably
swoop in on a sleigh pulled by nineteen tiny flying desert reindeer. If
Santa can make it through my Homeland Security and slip down the chimney,
it shouldn't be any problem for bin Laden. Over milk and cookies we could
talk about the relative merits of our cultures. You know, things like
the diff between the concepts of jihad and turning the other cheek. I
think it would make for good Christmas cheer. Ole Saint Bin probably wouldn't
be much for the egg nog, but I know he would bring the good stash from
Afghanistan where he keeps his secret workshop of elves in training to
strike terror into the hearts of all the little boys and girls.
His belly would shake like a bowl full of petroleum jelly as he described
how he was planning to disrupt oil supplies from the gulf region in order
to turn the heat up on the Americans. And not a creature would stir not
even an internet mouse as he outlined his plans to overthrow the lackeys
in the Saudi Royal family who are strung like stockings by the American
chimney with care, hoping that more dollars soon would be there.
As the evening draws to its mellow end I would lean across to bin Laden
and confide in him like one fugitive to another. I would say, "How
does a guy like you, who is six-foot-five when everybody else is five-foot
six, sporting that magnificent beard and distinctive robe and head dress
and your movie-star good looks, manage to remain at large when the FBI
and the CIA and the whole American military, including Seals and Rangers
on the ground in Afghanistan, and the whole Pakistani army and Interpol
and the Mossad are all looking for you? You and your organization have
managed to elude all the combined forces of freedom and at the same time
have issued nearly thirty separate audio or video tapes to your followers
since 9/11 without being caught. How do you do it? How do you manage to
lay low and keep a high profile at the same time? And not only that, I
would slyly remind him, you have a twenty-five million dollar bounty on
your head. Doesn't this make you tend to distrust your elves...er... body
guards?"
The Poet's Eye can just see Osama pondering this question before answering,
"It doesn't worry me because none of my followers would betray me
with a kiss. Oops, wrong story. Oh well, he's your savior, not mine."
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
to
comment on this article
email Lightning Rod here
|
|
|
|