Expectations

[hester_prynne]

I think this is the key right here:

"BELIEVING TO BE precious and worthy, believing in respect and love and that you deserve it is essential - only then can you recognize it, feel it, get it and give it."

Nicely put Panta.

H

[Doreen Peri]

panta - I never said I was "overly expectant" or "demanding."

My statements were quite simple.

Yes, I believe in love and I believe in respect and I believe in acceptance.

And I will settle for no less than being treated with respect and acceptance.

No person can force another person to apologize or to love them. We all know that.

Demanding people make me ill.

I don't place demands on anyone.

And, similarly, I don't expect them to place demands on me.

MY statements were not about being disappointed when someone doesn't treat me with respect.

Sure, I might be disappointed but for how long? Not very. I don't waste my time on people who cannot be respectful to others.

Since I've come to these realizations about what I will and and not accept in my life, I rarely get disappointed at all.

*shrug*... its all so very simple.

It's just the "golden rule." Treat people how you expect to be treated.

I treat others with acceptance and respect and I expect the same in return. And if I don't get respect and acceptance? No big deal. The planet is populated by millions of people. I refuse to spend one iota of my time with people who cannot treat me with respect and acceptance. I simply don't have the time to deal with people like that. There are plenty more people out there to love who are perfectly willing to respect, accept, and offer love, as well.

Simple stuff.

I don't want to control what anyone thinks or does. Why would I want to do that?

And I don't want anyone to try to control what I think or do.

When they do?

I leave.

It's very easy. And it works beautifully.

I've never been more content and self-assured and I've never had as much love in my life as I do now.

Why? Because these realizations are important ones because what they do is reinforce my own self value by setting boundaries. The boundaries are quite firm and this is a good thing. They are set by me because I love myself and because I want to be the best person I can be in order to give my love to others.

you think you deserve something, and therefore, won't accept anything apart from what you expect... therefore, you claim to get what you think you're entitled to, or else, you walk away.
this is not necessarily bad

No, indeed! It's IS necessarily GOOD! If everyone decided not to accept poor treatment and disrespect from other people... to just walk away from it .... better.... RUN away from it and quick... then where would all those people who think it's ok to disrespect others go?

Far away, I hope. And they'd be quite alone.

If more people decided not to tolerate abuse and disrespect, the planet would be entirely more peaceful. It would be beautiful!

[jimboloco]

One of the deals I make with the folks in hospital is that they make their needs known.
I think my wife and I are more subtle, usually, as she said. moverments, gestures, and silenc at times.

[jimboloco]

One of the deals I make with the folks in hospital is that they make their needs known.
I think my wife and I are more subtle, usually, as she said. moverments, gestures, and silence at times.

fin

[abcrystcats]

I really enjoyed reading Panta Rhei's post about the difference between the two types of expectations and the subtle balance one must achieve between assertion of self and the imposition of demands on others.

Doreen was just expressing her assertion of selfhood in the original post. It made total sense to me ... but it's important to distinguish what we mean when we use the word "expectation." I think some people might react negatively to the word, or concept, of "expectation" without considering the context.

Anyways ....

If a child of mine became cruel to me and mistreated me and verbally abused me, I would show my child the door as quickly as anyone else who treated me that way.

Sure you would, but you'd still love your child.

[Doreen Peri]

Sure you would, but you'd still love your child.

Yes. I would still love the child. And this has happened to me. And I continued to express love for my child even during the painful period where he continually berated me and I continually hung up the phone or closed down the IM conversation, telling him I refused to be talked to that way. He is now 22 and is growing up. He treats me more kindly now and I think he realizes that I will not tolerate anything less than kindness and respect. We are becoming friends again. It took a while. There was a 3 year period of immense pain. He decided he didn't like me any more. No. It was worse. He decided he hated me. This, I'm told, happens often to young men who are breaking away from their birth family and growing up. But it hurt. And it hurt deeply. And I may never get over some of the things he said to me. I will always remember them. Once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. But I continued to love him and told him so, no matter what he said to me.... no matter how hard it was. It's getting better. A lot better. He's helping me work on the site, too. And we talk quite often by IM and phone without any harsh words from him.

I thought panta's post was quite interesting, too.

And I agree, that some people have negative connotations for the word "expectations." But until I can think of another word that means what I'm thinking .... that's the word I used for it.

Yes, I was asserting my selfhood, my autonomy, & how much I value peace and love. Thanks for recognizing that, Cat!

We had lengthy discussions about this topic on Litkicks once. It was exhausting. It was actually more of an argument. I hate arguments. Debates, I enjoy. But I don't like having to get defensive about statements or to argue about semantics.

At any rate, that was then. This is now.

Perhaps this will clarify my position better -

I don't expect anything from anyone. But I do not tolerate disrespect, non-acceptance, abuse, or ill-treatment. In that respect, I "expect" it. Since I expect nothing, I fully expect that not all people will be able to fit into my expectations. I don't mind that. There are many people to love and I will choose those who are kind and who offer respect and acceptance. Those who don't, I can do without.

Is that more clear? Hope so.

[hester_prynne]

Did I misunderstand something and offend? I hope not, and want to check in on that....I"m sensing tension. I wasn't aware of Panta's response being anything directed to anyone personally....was it?
I took it as her response to the subject of expectations in general, ...and replied in the same context. I sure didn't mean to offend anyone's feelings. I'm really sorry if I did in any way, or was in any way insensitive.....
I thought it was a really thought provoking, honest and open post Dor, about a subject that's very interesting to me, and I enjoy discussions about it....input, feedback, ever pondering the wonder of it all.....
Perhaps the new moon is rendering me overly sensitive and I am needlessly fretting about an imagined faux-pas.
Smooches either way!
H

[panta rhei]

my post wasn't directed to anyone personally, hest, you were right in this... i was just musing about the word and concept of expectation in general.

i wrote "you" several times, but used it as the general you, not as the personal one (unfortunately, unlike in german, there are no different words for these two in english).

i think that doreen and i and most of the others agree basically, anyway - we just express things differently, each of us according to her/his nature, experiences and situation in life.

"to expect" is just a word -
we could have a similar discussion about the terms "to respect", "to believe", "to deserve", or "to accept". but i think we all know what the other ones basically mean....

[sooZen]

interesting thread...interesting takes on a concept.

In my personal experience, when we 'expect' others to treat us exactily as we treat them then we fly out of the realm of the human reaction and into an idealized state of mind. No one I know that I am close to, my family, my friends, accepts all that I am and want to be without question. They are always questioning my motives, my ideals, my BEing at some point or another. Even my closest friend and mate cannot always accept or respect where I am at certain times and I feel the same way about him. This questioning helps me to find out if what I express is really what I am and overall, is helpful although at times annoying.

It is a learning process, this getting along with each other. My love has no conditions attached...no one that I love need respect or accept me at all times for that would be impossible. They should certainly be forgiving for that, I think is key to any relationship, forgiveness. When you have a relationship of long standing, you are bound to experience a whole range of human emotions; passion, anger, hurt, pride, jeolousy, comfort, you name it, it will raise its head and if you place demands on this relationship...it is bound to fail for we are all fallible as humans.

The real test of any relationship, for me, is to weather the storms, be there when needed, to nourish and sustain and forgive the 'unforgivable'. If I can do that, the abuse (for we all abuse each other and ourselves eventually or continually...depending on ones' conditioning), the pain we cause, the attention we demand, the love that we give...is part of the whole of our relationships.

I cannot run away from those that I love if they don't meet my expectations for the truth is...they could never live up to them and I wouldn't expect I could always live up to theirs.

Peace,
SooZen

[Doreen Peri]

hest- no, I took no offense to anything you said. Sorry I didn't reply with a personal note to you or some of the others. Thanks for your input!

panta - yes, I realize your post used the universal "you," and wasn't personally directed to me. I just responded with my take on what you said. I agree that we all basically agree and that there is a matter of word definition going on here.

sooZ, WIREMAN, jimboloco, cat, judih, (hope I didn't miss anyone)...

thank you all for your posts on this topic.

Interesting thread.... Yes!