Posted: September 17th, 2005, 1:54 pm
Right now, while sipping on this peppermint flavored water, bottled with stunning label and cap to boot, I wanna say this:
as I learn and grow and become more comfortable with myself I go through this process that entails, for the most part, the following stages:
1) I come to realize, acknowledge; at this point I say stuff like "Damn, I can't believe I didn't/couldn't see that before!" or "Eureeka!"
2) I determine to, either make some sort of change in the name of stopping something that I don't like about myself or for the purpose of starting myself off along a certain line of habit that I want to participate myself in. This stage in the game has me saying "I want to..." or "I will try" or "I will" (and, by the way, I would like to be much more about "I will" than "I will try"...I will be more about it, dammit!).
3) after initial determination and willing statements I come into a period where I either make something happen or fumble and drop the ball, having to reset all over again. This stage sees me feeling a lot like what K & D said she's like:
i'm an open book but a very nervous open book
but sometimes I'm just out with it and I don't feel nervous about it. I just do it and don't get messed up over feeling one way or another about it.
Of late I've been feeling quite bizarre. Don't know just quite how to explain that further. As I've been watching and comtemplating, internalizing and reinvestigating shit, creatinging and fostering, along the way, I've met someone.
THis someone is a very special person. I am in love with this person. so far, more than anyone else that I've ever known, save for my best friend, I feel that I can and will continue to be able to interact and express my 'true' self (what is my true self...re: that, I only think that I know that I know who some of her is....so far...unless death cuts my life short, I expect I've got loads of time to sit and daydream and ruminate and try and figure me out) with him and that he will never go away. Which is good because I don't want him to.
And my best friend, as I mentioned, she's another amazing person who I feel pretty comfortable around.
for me, one who has had major trust issues for basically all of my short life, who has always been afraid to 'bare all' and be myself in front of even those who were supposed to be my best and closest friends, having come to a place where I can feel so open with two people, however nervously or not, is like, a HUGE thing for me and I"m quite glad for it.
Right now I"m considering that honesty is the best policy, inherently speaking with respect to all humans.
A friend of mine and I were having a convo recently about honesty. He was telling me that it's best to take care when determining to always be honest. The gist of his take was that being honest with everyone is dangerous and one would be well advised to hold their tongue in certain situations, where being honest at other times, is necessary by default; no reason in such cases not to be honest.
Course, our lives are not structured in such a way that facilitates that. Some people say that that's as it should be. That we could never have a 'succesful' living arrangement, universally speaking, everyone were always honest with one another. maybe they're obviously right, but I"m not so sure...
I often think, why should we be curbing ourselves? why should we be living in a world that requests us to hold back in certain instances?
a lot of limitation, too much of it, has been known to infect with dreams with fear of flying, has led to the death of clear vision. that said, hell, as time goes on, we keep on learning shit that calls out what was previously thought of as good, and finds it's true bad name. continuous cycle (though, maybe not across the board) of embracing and then throwing out, embracing and then throwing out.
when I think of fear, I think of Dune and Mua' Dib: "Fear is the mind killer. I will not fear."
and there seems to be honesty with regard and honesty that is careless, though I would have to think about exactly how i might go about elaborating that...
I had something else too but I will have to come back later to offer it.
didn't meant to rant, but then, I didn't not mean to either, so...
Good topic.
and, I think, mousey, you gave some hai quality advice to Alex re: the girl.
as I learn and grow and become more comfortable with myself I go through this process that entails, for the most part, the following stages:
1) I come to realize, acknowledge; at this point I say stuff like "Damn, I can't believe I didn't/couldn't see that before!" or "Eureeka!"
2) I determine to, either make some sort of change in the name of stopping something that I don't like about myself or for the purpose of starting myself off along a certain line of habit that I want to participate myself in. This stage in the game has me saying "I want to..." or "I will try" or "I will" (and, by the way, I would like to be much more about "I will" than "I will try"...I will be more about it, dammit!).
3) after initial determination and willing statements I come into a period where I either make something happen or fumble and drop the ball, having to reset all over again. This stage sees me feeling a lot like what K & D said she's like:
i'm an open book but a very nervous open book
but sometimes I'm just out with it and I don't feel nervous about it. I just do it and don't get messed up over feeling one way or another about it.
Of late I've been feeling quite bizarre. Don't know just quite how to explain that further. As I've been watching and comtemplating, internalizing and reinvestigating shit, creatinging and fostering, along the way, I've met someone.
THis someone is a very special person. I am in love with this person. so far, more than anyone else that I've ever known, save for my best friend, I feel that I can and will continue to be able to interact and express my 'true' self (what is my true self...re: that, I only think that I know that I know who some of her is....so far...unless death cuts my life short, I expect I've got loads of time to sit and daydream and ruminate and try and figure me out) with him and that he will never go away. Which is good because I don't want him to.
And my best friend, as I mentioned, she's another amazing person who I feel pretty comfortable around.
for me, one who has had major trust issues for basically all of my short life, who has always been afraid to 'bare all' and be myself in front of even those who were supposed to be my best and closest friends, having come to a place where I can feel so open with two people, however nervously or not, is like, a HUGE thing for me and I"m quite glad for it.
Right now I"m considering that honesty is the best policy, inherently speaking with respect to all humans.
A friend of mine and I were having a convo recently about honesty. He was telling me that it's best to take care when determining to always be honest. The gist of his take was that being honest with everyone is dangerous and one would be well advised to hold their tongue in certain situations, where being honest at other times, is necessary by default; no reason in such cases not to be honest.
Course, our lives are not structured in such a way that facilitates that. Some people say that that's as it should be. That we could never have a 'succesful' living arrangement, universally speaking, everyone were always honest with one another. maybe they're obviously right, but I"m not so sure...
I often think, why should we be curbing ourselves? why should we be living in a world that requests us to hold back in certain instances?
a lot of limitation, too much of it, has been known to infect with dreams with fear of flying, has led to the death of clear vision. that said, hell, as time goes on, we keep on learning shit that calls out what was previously thought of as good, and finds it's true bad name. continuous cycle (though, maybe not across the board) of embracing and then throwing out, embracing and then throwing out.
when I think of fear, I think of Dune and Mua' Dib: "Fear is the mind killer. I will not fear."
and there seems to be honesty with regard and honesty that is careless, though I would have to think about exactly how i might go about elaborating that...
I had something else too but I will have to come back later to offer it.
didn't meant to rant, but then, I didn't not mean to either, so...
Good topic.
and, I think, mousey, you gave some hai quality advice to Alex re: the girl.