The Name Game

[izeveryboyin]

Today was a great day. And by great I mean confusing, hurtful, and completely full of shit. I started to get into an argument with my boyfriend over, of all things, my being too busy to do the laundry today. Somehow laundry turned into "I think we should give the baby your last name until we're sure it's mine and then I'll adopt her. I just think, given your attitude that it's the safest thing for me to do." Of course my response was heated, I told him (amongst other things) that if he didn't want the baby to have his last name, she wouldn't have his fucking last name. I told him it's be easier for her b/c then she wouldn't have to deal with a father who didn't really want to be a part of her life and have it be fucked up as a result. Then of course, I stormed out. But once I reached the great outdoors (and by great I mean rainy, smelling of earth-worms, and about 20 degrees colder than the day before) I decided that maybe she should have his last name. If for no other reason but to make it easier for the government to go after him for child support, which I decided, also upon reaching the great outdoors, that he was going to have to pay me whether he wanted to own up to his responsibilities or not. It was after all him who persuaded me to keep the baby in the first place... not to say that it wasn't a joint deciscion in the end, but I definitely will say that without his input, there would be no baby to name. At any rate I suppose the point I was trying to get to here was to ask everyone whether they thought I should go with my first mind and give the baby my last name, or be practical and give her his? It's not like the very sight of her isn't going to be connected with her father anyway, right? And we'll be just as broken up either way, right? Where are the parents here? Can you give me some input on this??

[Doreen Peri]

Hey you! I've been thinking of you and hoping you'd stop by here and tell us how you're doing! So glad you did.

Here are my thoughts on your post...

You have a guy complaining to you that he didn't do the fucking laundry, then trying to remove his responsibilities as a father of your baby all in the same breath? Jesus. Tell him to do his own fucking laundry!

OK, sure, you've had a spat. It happens. I don't mean to totally not like him at all so quickly based on a post on the internet stupid highway. Or do I?

Maybe he's a great guy. Maybe he'll be a good father to your child. Or maybe he's just another fucked up man who expects a woman to do all the work and takes no responsibility for anything? Beats me. Which is it? He's pissed that you didn't do the laundry? What gives him the fucking right? Fuck him.

If you couldn't tell, I'm a little pissed at him. Make that a LOT pissed. Doing his laundry is NOT your job! Taking care of the baby growing inside you is your job!

Here's the deal about a name..... I really doubt giving your baby your boyfriend's last name will have one iota of effect on whether you collect child support payments. Thousands of babies have their father's last names and get no child support. Names don't help one bit to make somebody pay child support if they don't want to.

If he wants to take responsibility for his daughter and help to support her, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. And no court can do anything to force him to. Oh ok. Maybe I'm wrong here. They COULD garnish his wages to pull the child support off the top. That could happen. True enough. But not because of the baby's last name.

Now, I'm no lawyer or anything, so you might want to do research as to whether I'm right about this but I'm pretty sure I am. You can list his name as the father on the birth certificate if you want but your daughter doesn't have to have his last name for him to be named the father.

You need to do what's right for YOU and your baby! If it were me, I'd give the baby my last name, especially when so early on, you're already hearing shit from her father about wondering whether he's even the father!!! Christ!

I don't think it's "practical" to give your baby the father's last name since I doubt it has anything to do with forcing him to pay child support, if that's what your concern is.

If you already feel you'll "be broken up anyway," well hey, let's not confuse the schools, yanno? Let's not make it harder on your daughter by having a different name than her mother. They're going to call you "Mrs. Your Child's Last Name" (believe me, I know about this having 2 children who's fathers split early in their lives) so it makes more sense for your child to have the same name you do.

If you truly think tacking his name onto her life somehow is going to help her (and I don't but maybe I'm wrong? I don't think so)... but if you really truly think that this is the case, maybe consider giving her a middle name which is her father's last name.

I'm so pissed right now about the fucking laundry thing, I could spit! Send me your address and I'll mail him a check for 75¢ so he can go to the goddamn laundromat.

You take care of you, miss izzy... and take care of that beautiful baby growing inside of you! Much love to you and much less stress! You need to be calm and steady and sure .... It's not going to be easy, no, but you will be the proud mommy of a newborn baby girl soon and you need to save your strength for taking care of her, not waste it arguing with a guy who can't wash his own fucking socks and wants to blame you that they're dirty and ALREADY is trying to pull out from responsibility as a parent, apparently.

Here's my best advice.... figure out what type of business you can run from your home so you can support your baby and be home with her. Set it up so you are totally independent and don't need the support of ANY man.... EVER. If you want some help with ideas, email me and we'll talk. I've been working from my home for many years and have done just fine supporting my children. I have lots of ideas. Believe me.

Much love,
D

[Arcadia]

"I think we should give the baby your last name until we're sure it's mine and then I'll adopt her". It´s disgusting... it would me more direct to say "let´s do an ADN". Is he willing to pay the ADN?

[hester_prynne]

I just hyphenated them together, with my name first.
Fact, when I was married I hyphenated my name with my ex's from the start. Made going back to my maiden name alot easier.
Remember, if you hyphenate, to put your name first.
It worked for me...
Hang in there girl. Tell him to do his own laundry, and if he doesn't want to, then to take it to a laundry where they'l do it for him. Then tell him he might as well put your laundry in that pile too!

So when is the baby arriving?
How exciting. Really, it is. You'll be amazed at how much poetry being a parent inspires. Good poetry too!
Love and smoochies
H

[stilltrucking]

I remember you saying you were going to meet his father.

I wonder how much of his sudden cold feet has to do with pressure from his family?

I am hoping he will come to his senses when the baby is born.

Take care of your self izzy.

[izeveryboyin]

Guys, thanks for your support. You've no idea the amount of shit I've had to go through these last few weeks. I've been doing a lot of thinking about baby's last name and have not yet come to a deciscion. The hypenated thing might work though. I'll consider it. Baby is due on the 16th of August and she is ready to come out right now, actually, the way she's been kicking. I'm not sure what exactly is going on w/the relationship between her father and I, or if there is one... though I suppose living together means there is, right? Even if he stays out for two and three days at a time. I dunno. It looks like I went barking up the wrong tree and now the apples are all falling down on my head and on the way are pointing and laughing screaming "haha, you silly bitch. look what you've gotten yourself into now." I did meet his dad back in February, ST. He seems like a very nice man. I haven't seen him since b/c he lives in Oklahoma, and I've yet to meet his mother or sister since they both live in Kansas. But I get the feeling his mother and I might not hit it off, so I'm not looking forward to that meeting very much. At any rate, if he tries to kill me I'll let you all know. Otherwise, I'd say I'm fine.... I am breathing at least.

--k

[hester_prynne]

Oh man Iz, sounds like some stress big time.
When I was pregnant with Stella, her dad was going through some sort of thing that kept him prisoner to indecision, and left me feeling like some sort of burden, causing him angst, like love had turned on me.
It was awful and you know after awhile, I got tired of feeling fucking awful. Because, the only thing I felt awful about was him. He was ruining this breathtaking time of mine/ours, with his infantile inability to take responsibility, and enjoy the rewards of thinking beyond himself.
It wasn't easy at all, and I really feel for you dear.
I really do.
It helped me, believe it or not, to just let go of her dad at that point, and to focus on the reality at hand, that being that another being was coming into this world via me, and I wanted to make it as right and joyous as I could, despite a glaring, and disappointing lack of support.
Try to do this. Think of that little kicking being of yours, his/her unconditional love for you, need for you, for stability, all those things maybe you never got much of, you can give now. It's a shining moment, a rare time of achievement, not to miss. Don't let your partner's character weakness take that from you too....
I remember once I really, earnestly started doing that, without resentment, her father was coming around more, wanted to go to prenatals, although he did not accompany me to any childbirth classes. He regrets that now. He regrets alot, quite frankly.
Good news is, I don't have many regrets. I didn't let him make me do that to myself. And Stella is my pride and joy to this day.
You got so much great stuff going on right now honey, you really do.
Don't let his attitude get it's hooks in you.
You got a baby coming and a wonderful, izzyish child he/she will be, lucky to have you as mama and you know this in your heart, so celebrate it!!!!
To hell with anything else!
Love you,
Aunt Hester...

[YABYUM]

no. i can't.
i wish i could.

[e_dog]

you should make him do your laundry.

giving a child the father's name is part of the patriarchical system of male dominance. if you wanna support that go for it.

some states i here they put deadbeat dads in jail for not paying up their child support. its serious business.

maybe the baby should decide on her own name when she turns 18. until then, use personal pronouns. same for like religious beliefs.

[judih]

i like hester's advice - brilliant, focused, loving advice.
Hyphenated name is definitely an option in that old legally binding potential child support frame of things.
But just for a little personal take, when my beloved partner realized that the baby was actually going to come out, he started to panic. He didn't want to come into the birth room (after all, he reminded me, in nature, which male animal comes to be with the female during birth?)
He voiced his fears, freely, which is his nature - he doesn't bottle things up - he lets them spill and then he deals with them.

I, of course, took his fear as a final statement that i was utterly alone with this new phenomenon and i got nervous. However! There was a however.
He came to terms with his trepidation, came to pre-birth classes, bought me as much frozen yogurt as i craved, ate cheese cake with me, watched me eat strawberries, all with love. He came through.
So, that phase of terror might just be a phase. Allow your partner to feel it.
As Hester says, re-focus on the awesome things you and your fetus are going through. Go back to dance, music, poetry or whatever helps you be in the moment.

Let him live his path - and just maybe the two shall re-meet in a better place.

(also, the hormonal thing adds to each emotion, each thought and if it's possible, try to take that into consideration. It's good to wanna scream, cry and freak! Nature wouldn't have it any other way)

love,
cousin Judih

[mousey1]

I'm far too blind my own self to presume any sort of guidance for you Iz. But I offer a huge hug of support. In the end your strength will see you through, trust in that. Depending on another, well, that's probably taking a large bite out of a shit sandwich unfortunately.

I wish you well my friend. Perhaps with a little help from providence(no, not Rhode Island!) things will just fall into place. Yeah, I know, that's the dreamer in me talkin'. I like to entertain her whenever possible.

huggsies.