The Fear

[izeveryboyin]

"I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the Fear."

This may have been a quote from a big, drugged out Samoan attorney, but I find myself using it more and more these days. This is the last trimester of pregnancy for me. There is no more hiding. I am 33 weeks and 1 day. I am going to become a mother. Another human being is going to depend on me for the rest of her life. I wonder constantly if I am ready for that responsibilty, and whether mother nature didn't make a mistake by granting me the privelege to be someone's mother. I never figured I had what it takes. But I can feel myself changing. Not just physically but mentally. I can feel myself preparing to care for someone as I have never cared for anyone before. And I can feel myself becoming afraid of things I never would have noticed before. There's a knife holder at the edge of the counter, I have to move it. There are too many plugs in that wall, I have to rearrange them. There are chemicals in this cabinet. I have to get a lock. I have become a different creature. Same features, and principles, only fundamentally changed in ways I could never have imagined. And I am afraid... and I am amazed... and I am... I am more than I knew I could be. I wonder if I can keep up with the change.

To the land of the fair, and the strong, and the wise
Brothers and sisters of the pale forest
O Children of Night
Who among you will run with the hunt?
Now Night arrives with her purple legion
Retire now to your tents and to your dreams
Tomorrow we enter the town of my birth
I want to be ready
--James Douglas Morrison

[stilltrucking]

.

Another human being is going to depend on me for the rest of her life.

I think it will be a two way street. You will depend on her too.

[Arcadia]

mmm...maybe for the rest of her life is too much... but yeah, she is going to depend on you strongly for some years!!! (try to des-dramatize a little).
besos,

[stilltrucking]

I only fear the mundane stuff like school, money, your writing,

that seems so trivial considering the changes happening to you. I try to imagine what it must be like, thinking about my old brittle pelvic bones detaching.


My greatest fear is that my fear make your fears worse.

(hug)
.

[izeveryboyin]

it is so much more fun being afraid when someone is afraid with you. It takes the edge off. Arcadia... here I am an adult about to have my own child and i still depnd on my mother. perhaps not to the same extent as before or for the same things, but definitely i still depend on her... and i think I always will.

--k

[Doreen Peri]

Think of it this way.

Go drive somewhere and get caught in a traffic jam. While you're sitting there cursing, realize that all those people in all those cars all had an expectant mother just like you at one time and all those people, for the most part, turned out reasonably OK even though their mothers were scared.



Hey, I'm STILL afraid and one of mine is your age and the other is a teenager!

heh

it'll be OK.

But yeah, childproof the house. The early years will be the only years you'll be able to be assured you keep her away from dangerous chemicals.

just joking with ya, kiddo... much love to you! Here's a big hug ((((((((((izzzyyyyyyyy))))))))))))))! I can't wait to meet you and the baby!

love,
aunt doeween