Back from a visit to Astoria.....

[hester_prynne]

This is the second time i've gone to see my Stella in Astoria. It was so good to see her, so good. She is doing well, I went to her play on Saturday night, she played the character Lee in Marvin's Room. I even cried. Old steelyheart hester blubbering away at her daughter's excellent and most proudmaking performance. For that, it was way more than worth the trip.
You know, it's funny though, because aside from seeing Stella, Astoria seems to be very dark to me, it made me feel depressed being there.
And I used to love the place, declared I wouldn't ever leave even!
Now the thought of going back there seems more detestable after the second time. I wonder the hell why......?
So my dilemna continues, I fret about not being with Stella, though she is truly doing fine. I also don't really know if moving somewhere, even if it is closer to her will change anything. I'm just so fucking lost.
Boo hoo.
I'm just going to keep on plugging until I find something I want to go after or something finds me. I mean, what else can a person do?
This leap I remain adrift in. I had no idea a leap could last for so long.....
But man oh man it was so wonderful and fabulous and uplifting to see my girl. It seems we have a very strong bond regardless of the distance between us right now.
Am I muttering again?

H

[Arcadia]

felicitaciones for Stella!!!!!!!!! great that you could go and be with her in that special moment!!!!!!!

sure you´ll know what to do, hester!

[stilltrucking]

Astoria
A dark place for me
There was blood
and a long night of murderous thought
Led me to the Quakers


But there was also the Ocean
I try to remember the joy
and Leave the rest

I am counting down the days
As I remember what I have lost
And what I still have to lose.

The bond between a mother and a child
Blows my mind
I will never understand
I can only be awed

Quantum leaps
Gravity looses its bond
I float my way down
Just happy to see another sunrise

I putter
I mutter
and times slips by

sending you my best wishes
for happiness in love and work

[Scootertrash]

here's that place. It's full of sin...this pic was taken from a one of those government aircraft that sprays bad brain gas on unsuspecting people in wierd experiments, then watches them do strange unmentionable things.

[hester_prynne]

Nice Pic!!!!
Astoria is indeed a beautiful place on a sunny day!
I miss the river.
I think my time there had run it's course...so my perception is perhaps unduly negative...It is a place of great beauty no doubt, but hard to enjoy it when not working and broke...I think it reminds me of how poor I got there.....and lonely towards the end when Stella went off to school, but that was just me.
I don't mean to sound anti-Astoria to anyone else.

H

[stilltrucking]

it is a long way to the ocean from astoria I forget
We spent our time tied up at the Bumble Bee Docks I remember
How can I forget something as trivial as the Columbia river
I spent must of my shore time in Ilwaco
I liked Ilwaco better.
I get the two confused.

There was a time in my life
when I could not fall asleep without the comforting image of a rifle tucked up under my chin. My finger on the trigger and I would imagine the click of the mechanism.
then I would fall asleep blissfullly asleep
I went to see a shrink because I got tired of the same old thoughts
but probably what helped me most was just moving away
from those bad dreams
and my family

starting fresh
in a new town
a new job
new friends
but I still had the same boss



Astoria was a very hip town
I remember the bar with the viking long boat suspended from the ceiling.
I remember my blood spilled
I remember sitting up all night trying to plan a murder
Not how to get away with a murder
but how to kill someone quickly
with no muss no fuss
and no pain for me
never thought about getting away with it
it was
it must have been
one of those long dark nights of the soul
because with the dawns early light
the black murderous gloom disapated
and I got on a buss for tennessee
sailed right through the heart land
woke up in kansas and saw the ocean under a full moon
but as regained full consciousness
I reallized I was looking at waves of amber grain
blowing in the wind

this land was made for elmer fudd
from the new york islands
to the pacific ocean

it is the promised land for me and my family
out of the muck of old europe
the goys were so glad to see us go.

I did not forget anything on the west coast,
but I sure would like to see Baltimore again
do the rounds of the grave yards
one lunar new year

Never been a parent
I can hardly imagine
what it must be feel like
to love a child
hang in there hester
she is going to need you
the happier you are
the more you help her.

[stilltrucking]

I ran
but I could not hide
because where ever I went
there I was
I brought all my problems with me
so I made my way back to baltimore from Adrian Michigan
and time passed

But it did work for a while
gave me some breathing room
with out having to look at my mother

the image of her frightened face
and her throat in my hands.

I tell ya hester
I must have been a real sick fuck
in another lifetime
a real lady killer
even sicker than the one that sits and types this



funny how when people remember thier past lives
there is never a janitor or a garbage man, among them,
seems like we were all high priesteses or kings or warriours
or other such high and mighty mucky mucks,.

I remember mine pretty good now as I hammer down to the end of this life. I was a ceritfied public account in one receent life, that's an important job you know.

maybe that is our problem, I read some where that one in ten people in the world is a direct descendent of the Ghengis Khan, or somebody like that. You know the rapers and pillagers are the best breeders.

We all remember wearing those funny little Hun furry hats.
Uncle Atila, I read that Osama has about fifty brothers from different mothers

kids are so cute
kind of like kittens
aint it a shame they grow up to be cats
and people

help help
i got
nympho-typo-mania
I can't stop
dancing
the key board jitterbug
must be these red shoes I am wearing
I may have to cut my fingers off
cause clicking my heels together aint working

[Doreen Peri]

There is a lot of truth to old adages. "You can never go back" .... means a lot to me. I keep looking forward. I have to. You can have fond memories but moving forward is what we all have to do. I can't help but feel there's some type of plan I'm unaware of because nothing happens as expected.

Glad you got to see Stella and very happy to hear she's doing OK!

[Dave The Dov]

Your story hes soooo reminds me of that Paul Simon song.

Mother And Child Reunion

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.
I can't for the life of me
Remember a sadder day
I know they say let it be
But it just don't work out that way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.

I just can't believe it's so,
and though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

But I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a motion away,
Oh, oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
Oh the mother and child reu-nion
Is only a moment away


May it always be a happy one for you!!!!
_________________
Self-injury Recovery Forum

[Scootertrash]

I saw Stella today...she came into the bookstore late in the afternoon with a boy...she sure is a pretty girl...We talked about movies a little bit-then they went and browsed the stacks....

[hester_prynne]

Waa!
I wish I could see her.
That guy is her boyfriend. He's a good kid. They are coming up to visit at the end of the month, right before I make my move to Olympia.
Yep.
I'm gonna do it, and I"M SCARED!!!!!
What the hell....
Nothing much for me here it seems...Maybe not there either, but it's a good time to try, gonna housesit there, for a wonderful friend....for the month.
H

[judih]

sounds like a great way to test new territory.
very matter-of-fact and courageous, mature and fun

Tell us about Olympia. Is it like the old Zeus hang-out?

[hester_prynne]

Olympia is the State capitol in Washington, a very cool city-town where all the gov jobs are and I"m going to try to land one there. I"m also going to apply at the Olympia Food coop and some other stores, now that I have the skills to be a cashier.
Evergreen College, where Stelly is currently showing interest in attending is there, I also checked it out and there are several live music venues that I might be able to try to sing my way into. It's smaller than Seattle and bigger and more upbeat than where I am now.
The best things about Olympia are that it puts me way closer to Stella, and to my mom, who will be returning from her Tuscon winter next month. I'm planning on spending more time with her too...she just turned 83!
I'm lost right now, and this housesit will hopefully put me in the area where I hope to find a place for myself.
We'll see.
I'm setting it up so if nothing materializes there, I can come back to my job here. So it feels pretty safe....
I've got a lot of work ahead of me.....!
Thanks for all your supportive replies....it helps me to have courage to do this.....
H

[judih]

you've just listed a few handfuls of great reasons to find a niche or two in Olympia (job, singing, co-op whole earthy thing, stella perhaps, and mother, upbeat but not frenetic...)

sounds good to me.
sending talismans of reiki warmth to you (and there's more where that came from - we're in the middle of a delicious spring thing)