Lock out
Posted: October 27th, 2008, 4:16 pm
I have been in isolation for awhile. It was necessary, I felt, for a better understanding of all the things that were so terribly wrong in my life. I have been smoking lots of cigarettes, and drinking. And eating vanilla wafers out of the box with a spoon. I suppose yo'd call it depression. I like to think of it asa sort of creative loss of conscieouness. But I am no longer abed. I have reawoken. And I feel a little better. Now. I have been neglecting my blog but I hope to reconcile that tonight, if I feel inspired. It is suposed to be light-hearted, funny, and I am not yet there. Myla's father has been begging for a reconciliation. He says he could even marry me now. But why was it not possible before. What has changed tha has caused him to be willing to accept marriage? And what in the hell would make him think I would be, after almot 10 a year of single motherhood, even remotely interested. I am undone. My father ans his wife are due to have a little girl in January. They are naming her Jaitlin Kennedy. She will have the love and attentions of the one man in my life that I have always chased after blindly, and whom I have always been sorely disappointed. She will be daddy'd little girl. But when I was young, that kind of relationship was an impossibilty because he was so terribly self-absorbed. What is it about me that makes people so terribly inconsiderate? Why is it that once I move on from them they become such model citizens? Am I really so bad. I don't know. When you are a teenager, you are fighting your parents teeth and nail for the abilit to be the adult yo are so sue tha you are. Then you have a child, you get older, and you realize how young you really are. And you begin to long for another chance at youth. Or at least a helping hand. I watched a video on youtube of a girl getting a package from a friend and it made her smile and cry out in delight. "This made my whole week so much better". She cried. So I looked in the mailbox hopefully, but all that was in there were two bills. And a sales paper from Target.
END.
END.
Good to read you, izzy!!!!!