Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

Is Polyamory a Good Idea?
By
Barry, the Frustrated Polyamorist


My therapist/counselor/life-coach has described me as a frustrated polyamorist.
I guess he should know, being a polyamorist himself.
He’s right, though, because once I did have a dream of involvement in that community. I still feel melancholy about it sometimes, some ten years after my wife and I made the attempt.
The problem, in retrospect, seems to have been twofold.
On the one hand, I could not do it. Physically, I could not. I couldn’t just jump into bed with a woman because she wanted me to, because it was expected of me, and in the half year my wife and I were practicing members of a swing club, I never ran across a woman I felt a powerful attraction to, never felt the right chemistry. The few women I did have sex with…well, I couldn’t do it, could not complete the act. I could get it up, but I could not get off. And during, I would find all this five-year-old Sunday school Biblical Leviticus Deuteronomy shit going through my head. All this “it’s wrong” Mosaic Law Puritan cultural roots crap would come flying into my head, spoil the moment, produce guilt-ridden anxiety, and I would lose my erection. And of course, the woman I was with would immediately take it on herself, thinking something was wrong with her, only making the situation worse. Eventually it got to the point where my core self-image, my inner masculinity, was threatened. More than threatened, it suffered, eroded, until I didn’t even want to go anymore. The last few times we went I could almost not get it up at all. We didn’t play with anyone. I only had sex with my wife, and we went home. This isn’t really how it’s supposed to go at these places. It’s a peer group, with all the incumbent pressures. No one says anything, but you’re supposed to come to play. If you don’t, you shouldn’t come at all. So we stopped going. I reeled inwardly for months afterward.
The other side of this coin was possessiveness; sexual possessiveness. My wife and I talked much of finding a single woman with whom to enter into a long-term three-way relationship, maybe even live-in. We both thought we were ready for this, that we could handle it; there would be no problem of sexual possessiveness on either of our parts. She had none of the above-described problems I encountered in her sexual dealings with other men. She had the right mindset: it was fun. It didn’t mean she needed to be with him, or he with her. I had some problems in this area, too, however. It wasn’t that I wanted to possess or be possessed by any of the women I was with. It’s that I was afraid of being too good. As a woman’s ardor peaked, I would back my own off. I didn’t want her husband or partner, lying right next to me with my own wife, to hear her and think she was having a better time with me than she did with him. I know it’s irrational because I had no such feelings listening to my wife enjoy herself with another man. While I myself felt no jealousy, I worried that the other guy would.
And that’s just the hetero aspect of this side of the coin. The bisexual aspect was different. Heterosexual interaction with couples was one thing. Interaction with a single bisexual woman was something else all together. The one time we did it, I tried very hard to split myself, to divide my attention between the two women. And the moment I gave that up, recognizing I was short-changing them both – when I finally leaned over and really kissed the other woman in earnest, my wife immediately felt it. She practically leapt from the bed and fled the room in tears.
Before that, though, we met someone. Or rather, my wife met someone; someone we thought might be a candidate. It turned out she was not bisexual, but gay. And there was a powerful chemistry between her and my wife. There was no way there would ever be anything like I had envisioned between the three of us. Yet it seemed obvious to me there would be something between she and my wife, whether I wanted this to happen or not. So I told my wife to go ahead – I gave my permission – in a misguided attempt, I now think, to assume some degree of control over events unfolding (unraveling?) around me. I was told by my wife and this woman both that I had nothing to worry about, that it would just be sex, a “woman thing,” and nothing more. But I felt otherwise. In the end, I was right. From their very first coupling, this woman began to talk to my wife about the life they could have together. She mistook sex for possession. She could not separate the two in her head, lacking the right mindset. She thought the powerful emotions she felt meant she had to be with my wife and make her hers forever. And my wife, rather than sit up in bed that first time and say, uhm, no, that’s not what’s going on here, she went along. She too got caught up in the moment and forgot what she was supposed to be doing: playing.
So this is what I mean when I say possessiveness got in the way of our involving ourselves in the polyamorous community. As a couple we encountered a possessive person, a person who lacked the right mindset, someone who couldn’t see good sex as meaning anything but that she needed to possess my wife. And my wife, while she tried to keep her head at first, eventually she lost it. She went along. And thus began a five year affair that nearly broke our marriage.
It’s all over now. It’s been over for five years. The woman made a last-ditch effort to get my wife to leave me once and for all and when that failed, she finally went on her way.
It’s not that I’m not over it, that I can’t just let it go. It’s more like it has taken this long just to process it, to be able to talk about it, and it has become, in my own personal history, the pivotal event in my life. It fundamentally changed the course I was on. Not just me; me and my wife. We both wanted to be polyamorists. She’s fine with it now, because she’s gun shy. She’s fallen off that horse and she does not want to get back on. I, on the other hand – it’s not so much I want to get back on the horse (though I am person who thinks whenever you fall off a horse you should always get back on), I just wish we had never fallen off. It was a vision I had of my future before I ever even met my wife, a vision that was only encouraged and strengthened by my meeting, getting to know and marrying her.
And that vision is now gone. It’s destroyed, dead and gone, and that makes me just a little bit sad sometimes. Occasionally I feel this melancholy. And that’s when I think it’s a mistake not to get back on that horse. Get back on and ride.
My therapist/counselor/life-coach knows all this about me and more. That’s why he calls me Barry, the frustrated polyamorist.
So the question is: what should a person do in this situation? Live with it and let it go? Or get back on that horse and ride? Meaning, is polyamory a good idea?

Peace,
Barry

You might find some answers here.

Good luck.

Well, be careful, cause you know what could come next, right?

Maybe bigamy. And then maybe polygamy.

You could end up having to be married to all of them at once.

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

hehe... he was a funny guy!

My therapist/counselor/life-coach has described me as a frustrated polyamorist. I guess he should know, being a polyamorist himself.

Just curious where you found this therapist. Is he associated with your church or something?

Seriously, I wouldn't think that the standardly accepted practice in therapy would be for the counselor to offer such personal details about his life. I thought that wasn't allowed.

But now that you brought him up, just how does he carry out this lifestyle? Does he live with multiple women who he engages in sex with? Or does he just date multiple women and go sleep with them at their houses or hotels, etc?

Do his multiple women love/sex partners know about each other and accept this?

Do the women also have multiple male love/sex partners in addition to him?

Just curious about how this lifestyle works.

Just curious about how this lifestyle works.

the link i provided my open a door for dor'...

Thanks, Cecil. I clicked and read a little. Will read some more.

Honestly, at first glance about this concept, I thought almost ALL men did this anyway!

lol

... all men entertain (or have entertained) the thought more than once in their lives, I sure. not to say many women have not given the idea any thought...

Well of course! As human beings we're naturally attracted to many different people! This doesn't stop when you marry or otherwise commit. Thinking about it and doing it are way different though.

I do think men have more affairs more often than women... actually carrying out their fantasies. Seems almost as if it's an accepted norm, unfortunately.

They do have to have the willing partners to participate with them so women are also definitely involved in all this fun!

I guess there's something exciting about the forbidden fruit.

But this polyamorist idea is a bit different than the usual situation where there's a committed monogamist relationship and one partner decides to break the vow by venturing out to have sex with someone else without letting their partner know about it.

Seems to me the declared polyamorist relationship is one where both partners agree that it's just fine with them for their partner to sleep around with other people and they're going to do it, too.

Am I right?

Is this the old "open relationship" of the 60's and 70's? An agreed lifestyle where the partners even bring their other sexual partners to the home?

I was just asking Barry how his therapist/counselor arranges this lifestyle and if his multiple partners know about each other.

There are certainly a lot of different lifestyles on this planet. I guess whatever an adult decides to do as long as he/she is honest and isn't hurting anybody should be fine. Once another person is hurt or feels violated or wronged, it wouldn't be a good idea to continue if you love that person. Love means respect so whatever lifestyle someone chooses needs to include respect.

Whoa. I can understand a "love the one your with" sort of deal, spontaneous surprize turn ons etc. But this polyamorist idea. How old is this word? Is it something people have been doing for centuries or is it a new sort of scientific word made up to explain normal desires?
The study of anything takes out the feeling to a degree. I did a swap years ago, a boyfriend and I and another couple. Thing was, I wasn't attracted to the guy so it sucked listening to them really enjoying and getting turned on together.
I think i'm more attracted to androgny, sex is great, but I don't have the urge for multiple partners in a planned scene for it. Is that wrong? No. It's just me being truthful to myself. Hey, if it's something someone wants to do, then do it. Me, hey if i'm attracted I might lose my head and forget about my current partner for awhile, but I can't plan that sort of thing. I just never had a strong enough sex drive maybe.....
H

I know about polygamy, poliandria and a several other polis but first time I listen about poliamory, I don´t know why but it sounds a bit like polímero or polyamide to me!

So the question is: what should a person do in this situation? Live with it and let it go? Or get back on that horse and ride?

mmm... well, I don´t get at all the first three questions: a bit abstracts and/or too metaforic... is the problem the poliamory potential reincidence or a gone vision?

Meaning, is polyamory a good idea?

I guess is up to you, amigo!. Never were in my pragmatical thoughts to share sexual partners in a contractual kind of way with anyone....I guess I´m a conservative! Besides I don´t have any partner at the moment, so it´s not remotely my kind of problem!

Doreen first: I can't really reveal details, Doe, because, you know, the confidentiality thing goes both ways. Yes, he is an unconventional mental health professional, recommended to me by my mom, also a mental health professional, one of his colleagues. His clientele is based mostly in the local BDSM community, or the "kink" community, in the vernacular. His partner of many years knows and participates. And that's really about as far as I'm comfortable going as to revealing the details I know of his life. As for his being "allowed" to reveal this to me or not...I don't know. He is unconventional and, like myself, rails against authoritarian social convention.
You are right, to a degree. Polyamory is a further evolution of the old "open marriage" concept. Call it that with a Nineties spin. And maybe a little more esoteric, more thought out, intellectualized; not so much just about physical gratification, but mental and emotional as well. I think maybe polyamory is about people who, feeling they don't "fit in" to regular society trying to create a place where they do. I suspect it might be that going to a swing club, as my wife and I did, you won't find too many polyamorists attending. And that going to a meeting of polyamorists you probably won't find many who attend swing clubs with any regularity. But I may be completely wrong about that.
And you're right about respect. Without that and the honest openness that come from it, it won't work. "Open relationship" means way more than open to having sex with other people.

Thanks for the link, Cecil. It's a good one.

HP: My friend Feith once pointed out an irony in my motive for wanting to do this, which was to deepen intimacy with my my wife, rather than simply to have more sex. This doesn't seem to be the norm in the swing community. My inkling is that perhaps it is more the norm in the polyamory community, as the two are not the same.

Arcadia: Yes, the problem is the gone vision. That's the mealncholy. It's like wanting to have gotten a degree and never done it because you tried and flunked out in the first year. That kind of thing can deepen into a debilitating regret, and I don't want that to happen. Even before I posted I knew the question was mostly rhetorical in my own head. Let it go seems to be the answer for me, for us, my wife and I. We tried, it almost killed us, best to just leave well enough alone. It's only because things with our relationship are now back to the stable, loving blissfulness they were when we went into all that that I begin to think maybe we should give it another try. We learned something then. Maybe we could get it right this time. But these are just fleeting thoughts, subtle melancholy, usually right after we've just had really great sex together. It was because we wanted to share.

Thanks, everyone, for the insightful contributions. I fully expected absolute silnce on this topic. I'm pleasantly surprised.

Peace,
Barry

I wasn't really asking you about details, only generalities. You said your counselor lived this polyamorist lifestyle and I was just curious whether the women knew about each other or not. I didn't ask his name or anything.

If they don't know about each other, I don't see any difference in how men many times operate in this society. Most men I've known cheat. Sorry to say that, but that's what I really DO think goes on.

But this is a different thing if both parties in the relationship agree to sleep around with other partners. Shrug. I donno how this works.

Anyway, I see I was right in guessing it was the "open relationship" concept from back in the day.

Hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do!

I can't imagine it myself. I've had men throughout my adult life telling me that their wife or girlfriend allowed him and not only allowed him, but encouraged, his participation in sexual and emotional relationships with other women. To me? Thought it was a line. Bigtime. Huge line. I never fell for that before, thank goodness.

I like one-on-one-and-only-one good old fashioned monogamy myself. Even though it's never yet worked out for me to last, I still believe in the commitment and even though I know there will be times when both parties who are committed to each other are attracted to other people, it's the commitment... the choice... NOT to venture out and explore the possibilities... THAT's what makes the union stronger and more valuable and much more worthwhile.

These are just my thoughts... about a very personal topic. Each to his or her own. Whatever floats yer boat. As long as nobody's being hurt because of it, live whatever lifestyle you find comfortable and fulfilling.

Those that want love on their own terms will never know love, what they really desire is no more than an emasculated narcissism with which they soon find fault.

You went to that well once. You reveal that it almost cost you your marriage on top of all the twists & turns & confusions it brought you.
Now, feeling wiser by that experience, (?) you want to go back to that same well because, perhaps, it could prove out different for you this time.

Really ?

I have to agree with Dor, strange that a therapist would inject his lifestyle into the therapy. That would certainly seem to muddy the waters when one is searching for clarity.

Personally, one man for this life seems adequate if not enough trouble and work... but I jest... I am pretty much a swan type and married monogamously for life and I think I made a quality pick of all the males I have known. Sex is so transient, as is passion but real love is a keeper. Has been for me but I have only been with that guy for 38, going on 39 years so what do I know?

I don't go "looking for love in all the wrong places".

oh and Bingo mingo!

Monogamy has always been my trip, too. Even as a teenager and young man I pretty much had a girlfriend or had nothing. Meaning, I was in a committed relationship enjoying physical intimacy with another, or I was enjoying no physical intimacy with another. See, that's the point that's so very hard to communicate in discussing this topic. It isn't about sex. It's about love. While many of us may not understand it - it doesn't "float our boat," even in simply discussing it - there are many who are doing it and making it work for them. At risk of sounding judgemental, many of the men I met at the swing club seemed to me to just be getting off on having sex with someone other than their wife or partner. I wasn't into it for that, and perhaps that's another reason it didn't work for me.
But I recognize that my judgement may be completely wrong.
I do admire the apparent maturity in truly, deeply loving someone enough to not feel possessive jealousy regarding physical intimacy. For me, it wasn't the physical intimacy my wife had with another that nearly broke our marriage. It was the possessiveness. Spouses and partners are not our possessions, and commitment is about committing to sharing a life together. If three, four, or even more people can manage to make that commitment and keep it, I can't help but admire them as much if not more than two people who do so in the more traditional, puritan-rooted model. I don't see how this equates to one wanting love on their own terms. Loving someone isn't like lying in the sun and soaking it up. Loving someone is work, constant work. It is ever flowing and changing. Sometimes that work is like dance, graceful and easy. Other times it's like hard labor: not so easy or graceful. Working to create the future you want rather than just waiting for whatever will happen to happen is a progressive, proactive way of life. I can't help but admire that kind of thinking, too.

Peace,
Barry