Expectations

[Doreen Peri]

I will love you for who you are as long as you love me for who I am.

Once your expectations demand me to be something I cannot be, the deal is off.

I expect respect.

If you cannot respect me, I don't have time for you.

I expect acceptance.

If you cannot accept me for exactly who I am at any given moment, than, I can't accept you.

Anyone who says they will continue to love someone despite the fact that they are not given love in return, is living in a dream world and lying to themselves.

Anyone who says that expectations are not valid is also lying to themselves.

I expect what I expect and have the right to expect it.

And so do you.

Comments?

[mtmynd]

are not expectations
dreams of love and peace
wrapped tightly in prose
and poetry to be pulled
off the shelves of despair
in times of tears and regret?

i shall not expect but merely observe
each and every experience thru eyes
that absorb the moment digested by
a stomach yearning with hunger for
another experience to consume...

i, the glutton, for now with no future
to hold me back nor a past to burden me
it is this present moment that is my only
ex
pec
ta
tion
boiling within me for the comfort of my soul

[knip]

love shouldn't be conditional

i expect nothing

[abcrystcats]

I agree with it all except this:

Anyone who says they will continue to love someone despite the fact that they are not given love in return, is living in a dream world and lying to themselves.

I think it's entirely possible to love without an expectation of love in return. Think of a mother's love for her child. Can't a mother love her child without expecting love in return? I think love is based on a variety of factors, and reciprocity is just one of them, not the whole thing.

Since love is an emotional state determined by the one who loves, I don't see how it can be either a lie or a dream. It's just a feeling.

[Marksman45]

I try to avoid expecting things
The source of most suffering is disappointment of expectations

So I re-assessed and redefined what I could reasonably expect

I'll love a person without expecting the same love in return
but there's a point where I'll stop going out of my way to do it.
I've wasted a lot of energy trying to push through brick walls

[Zlatko Waterman]

" . . .with no future to hold me back . . ." is a graceful and elegant phrase, mtmynd; the path to much energetic life often lies in dissolving those "expectations" for the future.

My experience, in three marriages and over thirty years of married life has been that the spirit of compromise is soft rain on a steadfast, parched "this is who I am."

Allen Ginsberg writes in his journals about re-encountering Neal Cassidy, after Cassidy married, and Ginsberg's need to transform their relationship. As a gay man, Ginsberg lusts for Cassidy, for his body, for sex with him. But AG also understands and respects Neal's choices-- a woman's sexual ( and other kinds of) love, a heterosexual relationship. These alternate forms of awareness torment AG, until, caught in a sexual act with Neal, AG is asked to leave by Neal's wife, Carolyn. I found this passage interesting because it speaks of love and lust together, and what "expectations" can do to disturb that love. It also speaks of a certain aspect of unalterable identity.

http://www.allreaders.com/Topics/info_21147.asp


The equal, concomitant force that has to be honored is ingrown identity, for without that, we are uninteresting as individuals, we slump into sameness. And as Shakespeare has Hamlet say, " . . . lose the name of action."

Robert Bly ( whatever else you may think of his "male-guru" role) is a fine poet and occasional enunciator of important truths. He tries to emphasize the need for solitude in a relationship between two people. Love cannot grow without solitude, cannot feast and devour endlessly without there being some renewal between partners, particularly in a marriage.

Reaching a genuine understanding of "who I am" and "who you are" is, of course, essential.

This is seldom achieved with force, directly. Mine, what little I possess, has come through yearning. Then, during an unexpected pause, the "who I am" and "who you are" breezes in, like the presence of God described in scripture as a small wind whispering through the leaves.


--Z

[Lightning Rod]

Expectations are bound to result in disappointment because everything is not going to proceed as you expect. Hopes are finer pets than expectations. They don't shit on the floor as often.

I'm not a born-again type of guy, but the closest thing in my life to being born again was when I realized that the joy in love was not getting it or even so much giving it, but being Able to give it, and with no expectations.

[mtmynd]

Z~

ah... lust! the seed of love
desperate and hungry
for growth spins wildly
upwards and outwards
feeling! needing! exploding!
until fixed and rooted
accepts its place within
and transforms into
real and true love
thus blooming into the
essence of compassion
where understanding
that acceptance of all
is where love becomes
ultimately complete...
giving of itself simply
because it is there...

cecil

[Arcadia]

sometimes is inevitable that expectations rise... most of the time we feel them blindnessly in our bodies. To give words to expectations can be interesting.

[judih]

the expectation that continues to hold me captive
is that i expect to be wiser than i am
i expect to be less vulnerable than i am
i expect to be distrusted when i'm not
i expect to walk through hot coals when there's sudden sweet cool grass

i expect to find that all is upside down
when suddenly it's as i remembered

any expectation i have seems to look at me in bemused irony

[WIREMAN]

acceptance is the key...............

[jimboloco]

well it be like this
the man gots to encompass the relationship
in the situations that happen
not controlling
more like the breeze analogy
and softly compartmentalise
and individuate
whilst encouraging the same
ever so softly
to his wife the same grace
and
create spaces
and read the same book once in awhile.

[hester_prynne]

I wasn't always this way, but these days, I keep expectation at a distance and take care of myself and my own.

I cherish the happiness, strength, and the sense of freedom this has given me.

In the past, my expectations kept me a prisoner of society's conditioning, thus, oppressed.
(Now, I'm mostly just feared.)
Heh. heh


H

[Doreen Peri]

Perhaps "expectations" is the wrong word.

But it's close to the word I mean.

What I mean is, if I'm not treated with respect and acceptance for exactly who I am by the people who I am in contact with, then I don't want to be in contact with them any more.

I don't have time to be around people who want to change me.

What about a mother's love for a child? This was asked on this thread.

Same thing, really.

I love my children unconditionally, but I do have conditions about how I want and yes, expect, to be treated.

If a child of mine became cruel to me and mistreated me and verbally abused me, I would show my child the door as quickly as anyone else who treated me that way.

What I mean by "expect" is that I do not tolerate anything less than being accepted and respected.

I don't have to accept anything like that and neither do any of you.

If someone disrespects you and does not accept you for who you are, then I suggest you tell them to take a flying leap off a cliff and eliminate contact with them.

That's what I do.

And it's taken me many years to get to this point.

In my past, I have been in relationships with people who treated me like garbage, used me, abused me, tried to force me to change, etc.

No more. Not me.

I've grown up. Thank god!

Treat me like crap? Adios!
Use me for my good nature? So long!
Verbally or physically abuse me? GoodBYE!
Try to change me? Nope. See ya!

That's it.

It's having control of one's own life and knowing what is not acceptable in it.

Why did I have relationships with people who treated me like that? Because I allowed it, that's why.

No longer.

It will never happen again.

When in doubt? Run like hell.

[panta rhei]

i think there is one word, "expectation", for two different things -

"believing" (to be) and "claiming" (to be given).

when you say that it's about expectations and not accepting anything less, then this is some sort of claim (i'd prefer the german word "anspruch" over "claim", but there is no real translation to that) - you think you deserve something, and therefore, won't accept anything apart from what you expect... therefore, you claim to get what you think you're entitled to, or else, you walk away.
this is not necessarily bad - in fact, it is very important to believe that you are precious and deserve the best, and there indeed is no use to expose yourself to a person / a surrounding / a situation that does not offer what everyone deserves: respect.

still, this kind of "Erwartungshaltung" (attitude of expectancy) may not only strengthen your essential self-confidence and self-respect, but also grow into a wall that hides other potentialities that you may not have expected yet.
like when you expect an apology, you expect a certain something you define as an apology - yet the person might not be able to offer you what you have claimed for ("i am sorry"), but s/he might instead show it to you in different ways, with the sound of her/his voice, by certain actions or with the look of his/her eyes.
by becoming set on certain expectations, we get rigid in our views, not able to be open and receptive anymore....

of course the above example is simplified, and of course you'll agree with me that the expectations should not be limited to one or two particular (re)actions, and that we are very well able to recognize things like the small and subtle signs of someone who is, like in the example above, sorry -

but the boundaries between the healthy expectations that one needs for his or her self-respect on one side, and the overly expectant and claiming demands on the other are no sharp lines - we often don't even realize that our "expectations" have become rocks on our paths - and on the paths of those we live with.

we know that if a student believes he is worthy of an A or B, he is more likely to be scored with these marks than when he thinks himself to be a C or D student, because when he sees himself as an A student, he starts acting like an A student, and therefore is on his way to really become one.
what happens with him? he BELIEVES in his A-student-ness, he BELIEVES in himself, he expects to BE good.

if, on the other hand, he expects TO BE GIVEN an A by his teacher, then he is CLAIMING something... this kind of expectancy does not happen within, but it expects a certain behaviour from others. it might be dissappointed, cause we cannot control how others think and (re)act, and this dissappointment can be followed by bitterness and loss of that inner knowledge of one's worth.

BELIEVING TO BE precious and worthy, believing in respect and love and that you deserve it is essential - only then can you recognize it, feel it, get it and give it.

a belief in being worthy and special, as are all creatures around us, and striving to lead a life according to that knowledge gives us peace - we are free to not expecting to be treated a certain way, not blaming anyone or anything if things don't meet our expectations, not claiming to deserve this or that, not demanding rewards, but being responsible for trying our best, ourselves.

CLAIMING TO BE GIVEN respect and love is bound to fail, because we cannot control others; and when we hold onto something grimly, we shut ourselves down to other possibilities and potentialities - but of course we should claim to be listened to, to be granted the rest we need or be given help at times. sometimes it is necessary to speak out, to pronounce what we need and expect, and even claim it at that very moment.

EXPECTING things means to integrate this belief and the necessary claims into your life and balance them well.

something like that, maybe...