We also live in a culture where talking openly about sex IS considered inappropriate, embarassing, rude, and possibly obscene. While women get to ask men lots of questions about their emotional lives, men don't get to ask women lots of questions about their sex lives. A woman can ask a man about the last time he cried -- what was it about? When was it? How did it FEEL? and nobody thinks this is a bit strange, if they're developing an intimate relationship. By contrast, very few men would dare to ask a woman about the last time she came -- What was the situation? When was it? How did it FEEL? If a man asked a woman this kind of a question before physical intimacy was established, she'd probably slap his face.
Am I right about this?
What I am leading up to is this: Women feel extremely comfortable talking about emotions. We don't feel so terribly comfortable talking about our sexuality. Men, I believe, feel very comfortable talking about their sexuality, but rather UNcomfortable talking about emotions, or even about their personalities.
Before I go on, I better say right off that I realize that the above statement is a generalization. I've met plenty men who feel more comfortable talking about emotions than sex, and I've met a few women who, under the right circumstances, will talk a blue streak about their sexuality. But, in GENERAL I find that women are reticent about sex, and men are reticent about emotions.
You may all feel that, even as a generalization, my statement is dead wrong. If so, tell me so. But before you do, consider that there are cultures, such as the Japanese for instance, where discussing emotions is taboo, but healthy sexuality (at least for men) is openly encouraged.
If you agree, I've got some questions.
The dumb question first: Men, why do you think you are naturally reticent to discuss emotions, but probably would relish having an explicit sexual conversation with a woman before getting physically intimate? Can you explain how you feel just before you clam up when a woman asks you explicit questions about your feelings?
Frankly, when a man I don't know very well emotionally starts asking me explicit questions about my sexuality -- in a dating situation -- I feel like telling him it's none of his damn business. That usually ends the contact, right then and there. Is that how a man feels when a woman asks about emotions or personality?
Why do men -- even men who are usually very open about themselves in a variety of situations -- suddenly clam up and become very private and guarded as soon as they realize they are being considered as a potential partner by a member of the opposite sex?
What's the best way for a woman to break through the natural male guardedness? Any suggestions? Please don't say "HAVE SEX!"
How do you suppose things got to be this way in Western culture? To me, that is the weirdest part of the whole subject. This is a patriarchy. Always has been. Just like in Japan, what the man wants is what goes. So how did we get to point where it's OK to talk about emotions, but obscene and rude to talk about sex? Seems to me things should have evolved very differently.
I could be totally washed up about this, but my opinion is that this is the sticking point in the development of most male/female relationships. Men are conditioned by the culture not to discuss sex and yet they feel darned uncomfortable revealing their personalities and emotions when talking to a potential mate. Women don't put out until they feel "safe" which usually means knowing the person's character and how they FEEL about things. But men clam up and get mysterious whenever there's a possibility for future sex, and that slows the process way down. It's like a staring contest, with each person waiting for the other to be the first to take that step into trust.
Comments?
It's all a guessing game. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Someone says this, someone says that, how do you know it's the truth.