I would like to know

[AQuestion]

Right now, while sipping on this peppermint flavored water, bottled with stunning label and cap to boot, I wanna say this:

as I learn and grow and become more comfortable with myself I go through this process that entails, for the most part, the following stages:

1) I come to realize, acknowledge; at this point I say stuff like "Damn, I can't believe I didn't/couldn't see that before!" or "Eureeka!"

2) I determine to, either make some sort of change in the name of stopping something that I don't like about myself or for the purpose of starting myself off along a certain line of habit that I want to participate myself in. This stage in the game has me saying "I want to..." or "I will try" or "I will" (and, by the way, I would like to be much more about "I will" than "I will try"...I will be more about it, dammit!).

3) after initial determination and willing statements I come into a period where I either make something happen or fumble and drop the ball, having to reset all over again. This stage sees me feeling a lot like what K & D said she's like:

i'm an open book but a very nervous open book

but sometimes I'm just out with it and I don't feel nervous about it. I just do it and don't get messed up over feeling one way or another about it.

Of late I've been feeling quite bizarre. Don't know just quite how to explain that further. As I've been watching and comtemplating, internalizing and reinvestigating shit, creatinging and fostering, along the way, I've met someone.

THis someone is a very special person. I am in love with this person. so far, more than anyone else that I've ever known, save for my best friend, I feel that I can and will continue to be able to interact and express my 'true' self (what is my true self...re: that, I only think that I know that I know who some of her is....so far...unless death cuts my life short, I expect I've got loads of time to sit and daydream and ruminate and try and figure me out) with him and that he will never go away. Which is good because I don't want him to.

And my best friend, as I mentioned, she's another amazing person who I feel pretty comfortable around.

for me, one who has had major trust issues for basically all of my short life, who has always been afraid to 'bare all' and be myself in front of even those who were supposed to be my best and closest friends, having come to a place where I can feel so open with two people, however nervously or not, is like, a HUGE thing for me and I"m quite glad for it.

Right now I"m considering that honesty is the best policy, inherently speaking with respect to all humans.

A friend of mine and I were having a convo recently about honesty. He was telling me that it's best to take care when determining to always be honest. The gist of his take was that being honest with everyone is dangerous and one would be well advised to hold their tongue in certain situations, where being honest at other times, is necessary by default; no reason in such cases not to be honest.

Course, our lives are not structured in such a way that facilitates that. Some people say that that's as it should be. That we could never have a 'succesful' living arrangement, universally speaking, everyone were always honest with one another. maybe they're obviously right, but I"m not so sure...

I often think, why should we be curbing ourselves? why should we be living in a world that requests us to hold back in certain instances?

a lot of limitation, too much of it, has been known to infect with dreams with fear of flying, has led to the death of clear vision. that said, hell, as time goes on, we keep on learning shit that calls out what was previously thought of as good, and finds it's true bad name. continuous cycle (though, maybe not across the board) of embracing and then throwing out, embracing and then throwing out.

when I think of fear, I think of Dune and Mua' Dib: "Fear is the mind killer. I will not fear."

and there seems to be honesty with regard and honesty that is careless, though I would have to think about exactly how i might go about elaborating that...

I had something else too but I will have to come back later to offer it.

didn't meant to rant, but then, I didn't not mean to either, so...

Good topic.

and, I think, mousey, you gave some hai quality advice to Alex re: the girl.

[Rat Bag]

impunity.

cool word.

Yes, this is it. I'm using a lot of impunity lately.

hmmm, impunity,... noun.

I wish I could turn it into an adjective to call myself.

impunous?

doesn't feel right.

hey baby

[mousey1]

AQuestion, I think you make perfect sense! This should worry you!

Alot of what you say applies to me also....to alot of people I think. It's a scary prospect to bear all....and really I don't think it's necessary....nor is it necessary to always be completely honest in all things. But I do think there's something completely wonderful and freeing in knowing you can share important pieces of yourself, your most private and personal thoughts with some one and relax in the knowledge that it's okay...they're not going to abuse your trust. I don't want to be looked at askance for feeling my feelings and thinking my thoughts. Sometimes I just want to be heard without judgements, without disapproval. When you find some one like that it's a blessing. And I think everyone needs that. And I think I'm starting to repeat myself.

Thanks for your response AQuestion. I wish I had AQuestion for your response!


Ratbag:

Be careful. I heard if you overuse your impunity.....

You'll go blind!!!!! or at least require sunglasses!

An adjective? How about.....

You're puny. Oh...sorry....wrong pune!!!

I use my impunity whenever I can! And worse yet....I enjoy it!!!!

[Rat Bag]

It's a scary prospect to bear all....and really I don't think it's necessary....nor is it necessary to always be completely honest in all things. But I do think there's something completely wonderful and freeing in knowing you can share important pieces of yourself, your most private and personal thoughts with some one and relax in the knowledge that it's okay...they're not going to abuse your trust. I don't want to be looked at askance for feeling my feelings and thinking my thoughts. Sometimes I just want to be heard without judgements, without disapproval. When you find some one like that it's a blessing. And I think everyone needs that. And I think I'm starting to repeat myself.

Wow, I was going to reply rather flippantly to this but the more I read it the more I'm like, Wow

Was going to go in defence of true unharnessed honesty, proclaiming that at some point in the future we will all be completely and utterly, psychically naked anyway, our thoughts and emotions open to anybody who care to peek. As it is now, i suppose you are right in saying that trust can be abused if one discloses sensitive information about themself. That is a shame. But I suppose it keeps us accountable to each other too, for better or worse. It would be nice though if we could just share anything at any time, but on the other hand, some of the crap that we might think is probably better unshared. But I think even that should be shared. Maybe. If all psychic barriers were eliminated then there would be a lot of really unpleasant and unattractive stuff that the collective would have to deal with. A lot of 'good' and 'bad' flying around together, some of it rapturous, some torturous. I dunno.

You are dead set right though, that to find one that you can share with unjudged and unjudging is a blessing. Perhaps that is the goal. Perhaps not perhaps.

[mousey1]

Well....there's still time to reply flippantly....there's always time to reply flippantly. As a matter of fact flippancy is our friend. It lightens the air and the mood. Blurs any visions of grandeure we may have, any illusory thoughts of intelligencia!!!! Does this make any sense or am I just being flippant! Yes, I like the word flippant...flippant and pissant!!!!


But seriously....

Thank God we can't read each other's minds. It would be an embarassing prospect indeed. True I think we would notice alot of commonality, alot of sameness - that's sameness not saneness - and then perhaps we wouldn't feel like islands alone which I think we all do sometimes. But I like knowing there's things about me that absolutely no one but me and my maker knows. Things that only me and a very few chosen few know. We are all unique. To have everyone's thoughts flying about the room willy nilly and unchecked would be damned disconcerting to me I don't mind telling you. I would however like to be aware of what all the pervs and criminal elements are thinking tho so we could cut them off at the pass, other than that it's probably best not to know what everyone's thinking. I know one thing, I'd be walking around blushing alot!!!

Just an aside....why do we blush anyway? Does anyone know? What possible purpose does it have? Enquiring minds want to know...or at least mousey 1's.

Thanks for responding Ratbag....and unflippantly too! Must have been a stretch for you! Just kidding...I do that alot....but if you could read my mind this you would already know, and alas there would be no mystery. And mystery is a good thing too, right? Bring on the mystery!!!

Anyway, thanks again all who took the trouble to respond. I really appreciate your thoughts.

[AQuestion]

Weeellllll......

before I go off again...

I want to say: I appreciate you appreciating us for taking the time out to reply.

now...

oh...man...I'm just realizing that it's going to take more time than I've got at the moment, to answer this (gonna be the long answer, I can feel it!)...I'll be back later because I really want to put some ideas that I've got rampaging 'round my head out on the table and see what anyone thinks of them.