to where does privacy extend?

Post by **mousey1** » February 21st, 2006, 1:44 pm

I paint no one in particular with that broad brush...just sayin' is all...

Post by **stilltrucking** » February 21st, 2006, 1:45 pm

Apologies for blowing off steam.

Knip I am sorry if I was insensitive. My remark about beingt a way at sea. I meant you no harm. I appologize if i was judging you, i have a faith in a fearless god of truth. and man that is a leap for a coward like me.

Doreen I am just the one you need to talk about your son with. we could do a a hell of a duet.

Sorry I scrolled right by your post.

suicide by matricide seems like i wrote a ku about that

Post by **Ann Bingham** » February 21st, 2006, 2:08 pm

I will not profess myself to be an expert, and your post has put a big question mark in my mind as I have three kids. One a teen who thinks she knows it all.

My boyfriend and I go round about this privacy thing; to which I see both sides. But until she gives me reason i.e. falling grades, different friends, and complete and total rebelliousness, I think for the time I will offer her her privacy. All teens crave and I think need some sort of space. Now mind you I did not experiment with any drug until I was in my twenties, had no urge to. My grandfather had a rather tight rein on me and I wanted nothing more then to run away, which I did into a marriage I should not have gotten into in the first place. No I rattle. At anyrate my first experience with pot was not nice, did not like the effect. Now the alcohol on the other hand, I just like to get a little buzz. Sometimes I feel the tight reins around my nose kept me out of a lot of trouble until I was old enough to realize there are consequences to what ever we choose to do in our lives. I still smoke sometimes, but I haven't the desire to stay stones, or drunk for that matter. In my family privacy was pratically unheard of.

My boyfriend on the other hand has been there, done all that and knows the signs of being high, spaced or what ever you want to call it. He and his father used to drink together. He and his sibling would get high together, and from where I sit sounds as if his mom sat by and watched the whole family self distruck. The only one of them that could have done good for the name was involved in an auto accident (working double shifts to save money no drugs involved) and now sits in nursing home after nursing home unable to do for himself. At any rate my boyfriend feels it is our duty as parents to snoop before the signs slap us in the face.

As I stated I think I shall wait til she gives me signs. With the grace of God and help of someone who has been there and done all that, I'll be able to stop her before she self distrucks.

With the signs that you had I feel you had every right to investigate, it is in a parents nature and the childs best interest that we do the duty God set forth for us to do.

Lots of luck. I do hope your son does speak to you. Perhaps once he has cooled off he'll let you in.

Love lots
Deborah Ann

Post by **judih** » February 21st, 2006, 2:08 pm

Unfortunate that he's had to hide his doings from you till now, but good that you've discovered what's been happening.

We can hope for the ideal situation that a kid speaks openly to mom and dad and sometimes it happens, but when it doesn't we have to make it happen. You made it happen. Legally till he's 18 and still under your roof, you're responsible. You have to know what's going on in his room, in your home. You have the right to protect him from danger and you're legally bound to do so.

When he's 18, you can only suggest, advise, offer - but before that date, you are bound to parent in the strictest sense.

Hopefully he'll come home and you can talk from your heart. Share your life without dictating and hope that his anger will stay away long enough so that he again feels able to talk from his heart.

Don't come down on yourself, knip. Guilt will get you nowhere. Use this chance for all its worth. With luck, your relationship with him will change from now on. You can show your love by sharing your inner secrets (a few, anyway)

luck to you.

(credentials: daughter 20, son 17, son 14, daughter 10)

Post by **stilltrucking** » February 21st, 2006, 3:02 pm

Homeboy, I can not think of a more loving father. His son is now a physian too. But they went thorugh some hard times together knip. I called you a Lifer once, you took it as an insult, I was shocked. Homeboy was a lifer too, I do not know if those long seperations had anything to do with it. Have you ever talked to him about it? Does he resent you not being there. I was thinking of the experiece of my brother and his son when I was talking to you. It may be impossible to pin point an exact motive for any behavior. I was just wondering about the similar experiences of two milatary men and thier sons.

Post by **knip** » February 21st, 2006, 3:16 pm

thanks to everyone for their carefully considered thoughts...i wasn't insulted by anything i read here...appreciate it all

of course i considered the effect of my sea time on his situation...to not do so would be silly and avoidance...especially important now that i am 3 weeks away from going back to sea

but it's hard to interpret, you know? yes, he started doing dope in grade 9, at the same time that i went away (the last time)....he also started grade 9, and i don't think grade 9 was the problem....he also met a whole new bunch of friends, and i don't think they were the problem (although they introduced him)...i can't tell what influenced and how...he probably just wanted to try it, and liked it...just as i did...so i don't think it's the sea time...his most recent attempts at shutting himself down over the last 9 months was in full swing before i even found out i was going back to sea, so i don't really think that's it

don't get me wrong, i'm no anti-dope nut...i believe in legalization of all drugs, actually...i hate laws that are designed to protect oneself from oneself...of course this is precisely the law i am laying down with him, isn't it? but i am also the supreme court in my house, and can authorize whatever i want to

he's told me all along what he was doing with dope...he told me when he tried ecstacy, mushrooms, LSD, coke...we used to have an honest relationship

to me, drugs, including alcohol, are only bad when they take over...i don't care if someone smokes a J every day, or takes acid every weekend...lots of people use on a regular basis without harm...it's the loss of control of one's life and what one does as a result of overuse that is the problem...and he's clearly being negatively affected by his constant use, in my mind

thanks again to evryone for taking the time...i hear ya on the need to push the love bit...he MUST know i do this because i love him...i can only hope that this tidbit will stay in his banks somewhere, to fall back on when he needs to

here is a poem i wrote a few days ago:

The days might be longer now
but they sure don't feel it. My son
prowls the nights, revisiting
my mistakes of thirty years ago;
the harder I work to arrest the decline,
the faster he seems to slip away.

I want it to be March.
I want to be closer to April.
I want the crocuses to peek
their innocent eyes out,
and peer above the virgin white ledge.

I want to get closer to happiness -
closer to my winter's work's rewards.

Post by **stilltrucking** » February 21st, 2006, 3:23 pm

Carefuly considered thoughts?

I been thinking about your wife. I been thinking about homeboy's wife. I been thinking about mothers and sons

If god hears the prayers of heretics, i am saying one for your and your family

thank you for your tolerance of my carelessy chosen words.

poetry works for me too

thanks for sharing it.

Post by **knip** » February 21st, 2006, 3:26 pm

oh yeah...stilltruckin

i wasn't insulted at being called a lifer

i was insulted because you said i had certain opinions because i was a lifer

two different things

Post by **stilltrucking** » February 21st, 2006, 3:46 pm

I must have been thinking of Collin Powel

I am sure hoping that things settel down for your son. Doreen get me thinking about son mother relationships

take care and thanks again for your tolerance..

I believe in the power of prayer and poetry I know with a dad like yu he is going to be ok.

Post by **abcrystcats** » February 21st, 2006, 7:15 pm

Knip, he lives in your house. Just as a general rule, you've got to know what's going on in your house.

If my landlord started seeing signs that I was running a meth lab here, she'd use the keys and come in to check it out. I really don't think she'd ask for my permission first, even though she's supposed to.

I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

The part about being a parent and loving your son, and not wanting him to get in trouble is VERY important -- it is the MOST important part, but don't let your love prevent you from seeing that even if the love weren't there, justice would still be on your side, not his.

Good luck with your son. That sounds scary and very sad for a parent discover. I hope everything works out.

I think you are being too hard on yourself about your time at sea causing your son to do drugs. But I just read the part about you thinking that all drugs should be made legal and so on. If that's really the philosophy you've openly expressed in your house, then I wouldn't be too surprised that your son is doing drugs. You just told him it was OK.

If it's OK with you, then I suppose you wouldn't mind if you had a boarder living in your house and he was doing drugs. You just mind because it's your son and apparently you think it's OK that he do SOME drugs, SOME of the time ... but you don't think it's OK that he get addicted. But ... you just said that addiction runs in your family.

So, I'm a little confused.

Why did you think it was OK when your son tried "ecstacy, mushrooms, LSD, coke" not to mention dope? BTW, when you say "dope" are you talking about pot? Or what? I can be a little dumb when it comes to this stuff.

Seems to me a "no tolerance" policy when it comes to drugs would have worked best.

Post by **knip** » February 21st, 2006, 10:37 pm

i respectfully disagree

i mentioned the stuff about him admitting to use of the harder drugs because it illustrated we used to have an open relationship...the only feedback i gave him on it was about the dangers of drug use, using personal examples...i've used my own problems in my past to try to help guide him...over the last year when my side of the family was doing counseling to prepare to do a crack intervention on my sister, i told him after every meeting what was wrong with her and how it worked...he was disgusted at the time...but he's convinced himself there's nothing wrong with what he's doing (smoking pot 2, 3, 4 times a day), and he's got so much THC in him he can't reason all that well anymore...but he can't see it himself

i don't focus on the use though, because i don't think use is all that bad....it's like getting drunk isn't all that bad...but if you become a mean drunk, or if frequent drunkedness causes you to flunk out of school, insult and steal from the people that love you, and cause you to lose all your true friends such that the only friends left are the ones in the same boat...then that is a problem...add to that his asthma and the effects of the dope on that, and it gets frigging scary

these things aren't the fault of dope,...they are the fault of misuse of dope...just as drunk driving isn't caused by alcohol, it's caused by misuse of alcohol or being unable to control one's behaviour on alcohol

but no, i never told my son i believed all drugs should be legal...i'm not quite that silly (yet)...but he most certainly knows my feelings that misuse of anything, overdoing anything, causes problems, and the definition of 'over' is different for everybody

but i cannot have drugs in my house due to my position...i'm just having a hard time getting that into his brainbox

not that it matters, he phoned 20 minutes ago to tell me he'll see me in a week

i guess i'll miss his 18th birthday...i can handle it, but poor wifey, let me tell you

Post by **judih** » February 21st, 2006, 11:02 pm

knip,

As usual, life is the way that it is. Sounds like you and your son will be fine. Playing with fire done with a guide is better than playing with fire without one.

Invite your wife to read this thread. And contribute. She's always welcome here.

Together we'll survive

Post by **K&D** » February 22nd, 2006, 1:16 am

A Young Adults perspective:

its hard to know what is going on, just by what you observe...i think also there is a certain amount of time that you have to allow to elapse for them to get themselves back on track....you know the snooping thing almost isn't the biggest question, the bigger question is what do you do with the information you've found out.

i mean you can't be too controlling, in the perfect situation you would be able to explain yourself in a way that he could undersand.

i feel like my own mother was so demanding and never let me make my own mestakes that i began to shoot myself in the foot just as a form of acting out...

hell maybe i have no good advice to give....

Post by **knip** » February 22nd, 2006, 1:54 am

au contraire

i feel like my own mother was so demanding and never let me make my own mestakes that i began to shoot myself in the foot just as a form of acting out...

is an outstanding comment

and appreciated

Post by **Glorious Amok** » February 22nd, 2006, 1:25 pm

oh knip,

i know you, and i know how much you love your son. and i know you love your freedom and his.

i just think it's easier to be honest with someone who hasn't rifled thru your room. i'd be pretty guarded with anyone who had crossed that boundary with me.

in the days when he was more honest with you ... perhaps you hadn't breached his trust yet?

my mom used to go thru my room twenty years ago. i still have no friendship with her today. i can't tell her anything, because i know she'd use whatever i said against me. she'd use it to manipulate me.

my father always held his respect for who i was higher than his need to control me. so he set the best example by controlling his own behaviour.

and because of that, i want to be like him.

Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

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