Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

Hi all...

I'm trying to write a comedy routine ... a series of one-liners. After working on this for a month, I've decided I'm not funny so I'm gonna ask you guys to write it for me.

Post your one-liners & quips here, and I'll put them in my routine, OK?

Thanks!

Here's one...

My friend Patty called me up and told me I was the smartest person she ever knew. I told her I was smart enough to know she must know a whole lotta stupid people!

Here's another one -

I'll never forget good old what's-his-name. Geez! What was his name? I know his name as well as my own! ... signed, anonymous

heh

Your turn!

"If you stopped listening to me you would not be so confused,"

One Life To Lead
A new soap opera based on me and my sister watching One Life to Live.

"You only live once, and usually not even then."

--Michael O'Donoghue

"screw you guys, i'm goin home"

-cartman

"You live and learn. At any rate, you live".
Douglas Adams

"I'd rather hang from a meathook!"

What'd the ham say to the cheese? "Hey! We're on a roll!".

more later.....


H

"I did not kill anyone; I was only giving orders." Sid Ceasar your Show of Shows"

ST made me remember this great line from an Elmore Leonard novel:

( Torpedo to crime boss)

"I had to break his arms. He was usin' them to protect his head!"

--Z

"You talking to me?" Sometimes I wish I had not seen the movie.

"A friend is someone you can say any tom fool thing to and still remain friends -Travis McGee.-"(from memory) I am sure I buggered that quote up

Well, this is not really a quip or one-liner but I thought this was rather funny! 'Course I wrote it so I guess I wood.

Yoga class

"Sway like a flower"

"Pretend you're a flower"

"Swaying and wafting in the breeze"

"Side to side wave and weave"

Ya? Well

I got news

a flower doesn't tear tissue and tendon

nor does it have trick knees that

click and clack whenever I so much as sneeze

You be a flower

I'll be a weed

and just sit here

Thank you all! You're gems! I love you all!

Here are some more I'm working with to put into the show somehow...

of course, I stole them somewhere, just like I'm stealing your lines.

*shrug*

"A good writer borrows. A great writer steals." - Archibald MacLeish

________________

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good man... or a bad man, depending on how much happiness you can stand.

We often think the way Doreen talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Doreen thinks.

You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody. In fact, I prayed for it! But I guess I should have been more specific.

One out of every three people in the world is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.