The Bill Of Rights Updated

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LOOSE ENDS
The Bill of Rights We Deserve
By SAM APPLE
Published: July 28, 2012
The New York Times Sunday Review



“Hoping for a debate about freedom, not fatness, the industry has created a coalition called New Yorkers for Beverage Choices to coordinate its public relations efforts in the city. On Thursday, the group introduced its first radio spot ... proclaiming, ‘This is about protecting our freedom of choice.’ ” — The New York Times, July 1

I. A well-stocked fridge, being necessary to the stuffing of the face, the right of the people to consume alarmingly large sandwiches washed down by more than 16 fluid ounces of soda shall not be infringed; nor shall any person have to answer for the number of sticky buns consumed in a single sitting, except in a time of public danger, such as a Congressionally declared sticky-bun shortage.

II. All people traveling by air shall retain the right to move freely about the cabin so long as it remains possible to hurdle the thighs of the person in the aisle seat. In the event that a passenger reclines so far as to drive a tray table into the lungs of the person seated behind, the injured party shall retain the right to say “Seriously?” in a voice that is quiet but still audible to everyone within three rows.

III. The freedom to appear on a reality TV program in which one is humiliated and cursed at before being booted off by a B-list celebrity host shall not be restricted. If accused of being a skank, one must be informed of the accusation, be able to obtain witnesses in his or her favor and be allowed to defend the alleged skankiness during a weepy confessional that reveals that the accusers, are, in fact, the true skanks.

IV. The right to marry shall be available to all, as shall the right to ruin the lives of spouses by constantly whistling show tunes and eating their appetizers before they’ve even had a bite. No husband or wife shall be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb for the same offense of failing to comment positively about a recent haircut.

V. The right to access the World Wide Web shall not be violated, and no person shall be held to answer for spending the weekend viewing images of felines with amusing captions or videos of people engaged in sexual acts one might have thought impossible if one had not just spent all weekend watching them.

VI. Congress shall not interfere with the free exercise of spending huge sums on things one has absolutely no use for whatsoever; nor shall Congress restrict the right to petition one’s overly generous grandparents to bail one out by showing up on their doorstep with as-seen-on-TV meatloaf pans.

VII. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial by a jury of one’s half-asleep and almost-certainly stoned peers. The accused shall have the assistance of counsel, though there shall be no restrictions on the counsel’s right to undermine the case by appearing on “Nancy Grace.”

VIII. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor cruel and unusual punishment inflicted upon those who speak into their cellphones too loudly; nor is it O.K. to Taser them, though, in all other cases, Congress may not restrict the free and excessive use of the Taser.

IX. Congress shall make no law limiting the number of drunken karaoke songs one can perform before passing out; nor shall Congress limit the right to send drunken, apologetic text messages to ex-lovers with requests “to just cuddle,” except in those cases in which the ex-lover has filed a restraining order.

X. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to Cee Lo Green.

Sam Apple is the publisher of The Faster Times and the author of “American Parent.


http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/29/opini ... ights.html