Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

What will determine the outcome of the current strife in our world will be whose idea of Heaven prevails.

This is why the Christian Right is circling the wagons, these guys are scared. They are scared not of going to Hell because in their conceit they assume they will be part of the elect; what they are afraid of is that the Christians whose nickels hit the plate every Sunday morning will find out about this other Heaven enjoyed by Muslims.

I mean there is nothing wrong with eternal peace piped in hymns and sitting at the throne of god all day admiring His majesty and all that, but it hardly compares to hot tubs full of virgins that feed you ambrosia in gardens of earthly delight. If people of faith start comparison shopping, the Christian business could go the way of mom and pop stores when Wal-Mart hits town.

It's like the difference between Branson, Mo and Las Vegas. Branson has Andy Williams and the Gatlin Bros. singing hymns and Vegas has gambling, free gourmet buffets, six-foot show girls with forty inch busts and you can be married by Elvis. Where would you rather go for eternity?

So it's understandable why the Christians are edgy about the subject of Heaven. They are anxious to guard their franchise from foreign competition. They must feel like GM and Ford felt like when the Japanese started making cars that would get forty miles per gallon when the old Fords and Chevies were getting fifteen. What did Detroit do? They redesigned and retooled.

That's what the Christians should do about Heaven if they really want to get market share. They need an extreme makeover. Fashion-wise heaven is still in the late Renaissance. What's with the robes and harps? It looks like a cult up there. Get a little variety, you guys. Think Hip-Hop. To make heaven really sell, you need Malls up there full of boutiques and gift shops and gambling arcades. Make a deal with The Gap and Victoria's Secret.

And all this piece and tranquility stuff has got to go. To make heaven an exciting place we need professional sports and gambling and violent movies and video games. Loud music. Ice skating rinks. When you are selling salvation, you have to give the customer what he wants. Heaven is big enough for a NASCAR track, right?

I don't want to be a party pooper here, but I must tell you, the Hell thing is a definite liability. You need to get rid of it. I know the carrot and stick method has worked well in the Heaven Timeshare scam for centuries, but this is a new age of marketing. You want ALL the customers, not just the righteous. Low income housing would be a good solution to this. Put the semi-righteous and the downright sinners in the slums, not in Hell. That way they can still get to the Wal-Mart. Even Heaven has an economy. The only possible purpose for Hell would be as a place to get immigrant workers and since the wages of sin are low these days perhaps you could outsource jobs there.

In the Global War on Whatever it's all going to come down to whose version of heaven will sell.

not that i necessarily agree, but this was hilariously written, clay - i'm still chuckling.

great satire!

You know if Panta had not said satire, I would have thought you put your finger on the problem. Marketing, as I read it it was like yeah, right, ok, right on.

What kind of heaven do I want? I think I would like it to be a lot like here, lots of plants and flowers, oceans, mountains, wine women and song, and no flies, or mesquito's but just the nice bugs.

There was a Twilight Z I liked a lot, the old farmer going hunting with his dog, the dog chases a coon across a fallen log over a stream the dog falls in and the farmer jumps in after him. Next scene they are walking together down a country lane with rail fence, they come to a gate where a man is standing, he tells the farmer that he died anhe welcomes the farmer to heaven and invites him, when the farmer starts in with his dog following the man stops him and says sorry no dogs allowed. He tells the farmer that dogs have their own place a farther down the road.
The farmer says "I don't want no heaven that I can't take my dog. Goes down the road to the next gate and a man is standing there and he welcomes the farmer and the farmer asks can my dog come in, and the man says of course, the farmer says how come he could not go in that other gate to heaven, the man says that was not heaven that was the other place

sorry clay I think I should have used a couple of more commas and semicolon or two.

Shall we take a vote?
Who do you think will win in the Heaven face-off?

and will the voting be fair?

'When i die, o when i'm dead, dead and gone.....
there'll be one child born and a world to carry on
to carry on'

'When whippoorwills call and evening is nigh,
I hurry to my Blue Heaven.
Ya turn to the right, you find a little bright light,
That lead's you to my Blue Heaven.'

gimme a rock and roll heaven

heaven
is a place
a place where nothing
nothing ever happens


p.s. should have attributed this...-talking heads "heaven"

speeding our way to heaven to avoid this hell we're in.

great piece, l'rod... a lot of heavenly thought went into this, eh?

panta
truck
judih
knip
cec

you guys are my heaven

exactly so



heaven is like a blank text box on studio eight

it is what I make it


"put a nickle on the drum and we will all be saved"

I remember that line from the litttle store front afro-american church that was located next to my grandparents house in baltimore

a drum a tamborine and whoops of joy

speaking of nickles
what is happening with paypal?
I am so lazy

Lrod, you are in my definition of heaven for sure.

Great piece here....worth sharing with many of my friends.
Thank you....
H