Fearless Predictions--2005

[Lightning Rod]

Oh, we have a power packed year ahead of us. If you think 2004 was fun, just wait.

I don't usually make predictions. Observations are more my style. But if I were predicting events in 2005, they might look like these:

The Iraq 'elections' are at the end of this month. I noticed that the Michael Jackson trial is also starting then. A convenient diversion. I wonder which will be the bigger fiasco?

This year will likely see the replacement of both the Pope and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Desmond Tutu would make a good Pope. How about Jerry Falwell for Chief Justice?

The President will try to solidify his hold on the Nascar vote by pulling a victory lap at Daytona. Dale Earnhadt Jr. will actually be driving, but The Prez's fire suit will look macho and stylish.

Mel Gibson will mount the production of his new movie, "The Passion of Bush."

The Washington Post will break the story of an affair between White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan and Laura Bush. The story will quickly die because nobody will believe that they could have sex without mussing their hair.

Colin Powell will enjoy his retirement by starting a chain of Bar BQ restaurants.

Microsoft will release the first version of Windex. Gates gains another twenty pounds.

Dick Cheney will resign due to problems with his heart stint that is radio controlled by the CIA. Jeb Bush will be appointed as his successor and heir apparent.

Condoleeza Rice will record and album with Lisa Marie Presley. It will be a huge hit overseas but sales will lag at home.

Lockheed-Martin will get the half-a-billion dollar contract to install the tsunami warning system in the Indian Ocean.

Terrorists will strike directly at the heart of our culture by detonating a bomb in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Washington State will declare legal hemp and free internet and apply for Canadian statehood.

There will be a Constitutional Amendment declaring marriage legal between cats, dogs and goldfish as long as they are male and female.

Al Qaeda will be listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

Merke will market a new drug designed to prevent liberal thinking.

Social Security will go the way of the Lindy Hop and Big Band Music.

The US will, through foreign wars and lavish tax-cuts for the rich, be mired in eternal credit card debt. Some might start to guess that Laissez-faire ain't fair.

The limits of credulity will continue to be stretched by the mega-media machine that persists in telling us that black is white and war is peace and that hate is love. Newspeak will become the National Language. Learn it or starve. You're either with us or against us.

Of course there are things that will happen this year that are beyond the sight of The Poet's Eye. Rush Limbaugh might grow his hair out, who knows?