pot is not

[stilltrucking]

Just woke up from my nap. I think what has kept me from suicide is love. A prisoner of love, thinking about what effect it would have on those I love and who love me.


I don't have many suicidal thoughts anymore, maybe one of the blessings of longevity. They say Kerouac was a virtual suicide, he wanted out but was too good a Catholic to do it.. So he drank himself to death.

Just before his marriage to Stella, Jack had visited Mary Carney, who was now married for a second time. Her daughter Judy, then twenty-one, remembers the morning clearly. ' My mother was hanging clothes out on the line in the back, and he asked her to marry him and she said, "No. You've never stopped drinking." He said, "You'll never see me again. I'm gonna leave here and I'm gonna drink myself to death." And he did. She always felt guilty about that.' According to Gregory Corso, 'Because he was a catholic, he didn't want to commit suicide, but he wanted out.'
—Angel Headed Hipsters a biography by Steve Turner.

I been told that war is a business, I guess politics is too. I am hoping that Obama is a shrewd businessman.

This kind of depressed me. Bacevich a retired colonel and a college professor, his twenty seven year old son killed in Iraq in 2007.

Helluva job, Mr. President

There is no free brunch according to thermodynamics, pot has its downside for sure.

Probably nothing to do with this but I like the lyrics to this song a lot

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[jimboloco]

thanks for th kynde commentations friend

well we can be friends of jaweh
we can be friends of jesus
just let jesus down off the cross
stop glorifying him

we don't even have to glorify god
we just have to be mindful
and try to follow the way forward as we know
what god would prefer

it's not always easy

i got to put down pot for a good while
am at thhe crossroads now

i don't want to change
but i have to
live straight and clean

a sacrifice of smoke

thanscending sativic cravings
i know my sexual energies will get stronger
and other temptations will follow

where is daddy warbuckks when we need him?
he knew right from wrong
and was a good citizen
way back when
little orphan annie was his god daughtter friend
one more for th road then i quit
it's time
my wife is gonna have a fit
an i am praying for grace
not talking until i quit
for th summer
for th decade
forever not
th snake has got me
damnation
my complaint
is never enough

[jimboloco]

i asked for help
i was thinking about how an angel seized abraham when he wanted to sacrifice his son
how an angel seized muhammad when he was meditating and taught him scriptural verses
i asked for help, to be seized and taken forward

this morning i smoked up the last of my fine weed
came home early from step-grandson's ballgame
had a fortunate nasal drip excuse

was rollin th last of th good weed mixed with some weaker weed
ground up and in thhe paper ready to be rolled rasta style
small at th mouth and big at th end, cornucopia like,
i heard a horn honk, looked around th corner to th front thru th wooden fence
susie was home
i was seized by a notion to toss it, jumped up, spilled it into th old bag, tossed it over th north side fence between our's and neighbors wire fence behind foliage

then sat there out back for 30 minutes, realizing that i'd unnesessarily tossed it

knowing i was seized by my own inner workings, saw no angels
yet the impulse was real and it happenned

got to get up early tomorrow to work
no chance for a smoke without an absurd heroic
so tomorrow then monday yes
afraid i don wanna yet
my future is at stake
no time for fatigued languor
instead a silent cleansing now
new hybrid puppy
breathing meditations

[judih]

we are our own angels (and devils and saviours and destroyers)
we got it all, but sometimes a little help doesn't hurt

[jimboloco]

ah thank you
it's interesting how things unfolded
i worked sunday straight and clear
came home wired and clear
started feeling my stone child
abandoned child
alone and unloved
i told my wife i have no feelings for my mother
and about how my parents sucked horribly
one more time
and told her about how i really don't care if i ever see her again
and so went to bed exhausted
woke up early monday and was charge nurse at work
kissed her goodbye, stayed busy and clear and wired great all day,
went to the bank got some cash, called my friend the dude
and got a new stash, incredible, wow and he gave me an extra gram
as i was straight and told him about picking up a dead soldier
george lopez
and how i believe they lied about his cause of death
they said by small arms fire in combat
the guy i picked up the one in my drawing
got killed with a knife by a sapper
less glorious less heroic
and i showed my anger

so he was kool,
he lost a marine friend last month
truck accident overturned in afghanistan
bad production, man

rolled one in the car a mile away
it is amazing how my home mood picked up
and i realised that i do need it sometimes a lot
not at work
here at home
so i realised i would just be better this evening
and i was so nice felt so good
confident about m day
and in where i am going

and realised i got to tame the shrew
and so i will show her how wonderful i am
and she knows it now
so i will draw her out and onward


this is the unexpected unfolding

alma, give me your heavenly love
and abba thanks for my spiritual sustenance
to you i turn for strength

abba you are the source

[jimboloco]

interesting changes and twists going on
a sinuous serpintine healing
ying yang magic
pulse and ebb and flow
all with greater knowledge flowing
a constant synthesis of thought and deeper understanding

holy ganja thankyou
especially this last stash
the best i have seen in memory
it's twice as good as the last weed
which was much better than the old winter post christmas blues weed
and now i see it unfolding
right before my very eyes
cause i know how strong this shit is
killer weed
strong resins in my lungs and man in my brain
my tongue is dry and it hurts along the left edge whhere i bit it in a momnent of pot induced satori

i know i will get up in the morning
and stay straight
and not fret cause i can turn on when i need or want to
but to tomorrow i want to be straight

clear head no guilt no heavy sighing breathing like an emphsyema patient
just relaxed and calm in the light

i also feel like not smoking after work
nor the next day, saturday
nor sunday>monday working so at least untill next tuesday
but i am then starting my beacon studies

so a long break now manifesting
even as i only have faith that this may hhappen


wonderful
abbba

[stilltrucking]

I deleted this from you post to GO
I deleted it because it seemed like I was getting into a pissing contest with you.
My sister wants me to come over but I don't go because I don't want to get stoned. I think you miss understood my private message about that.
I don't trust myself maybe
It seems to me the best time to quit smoking is when you don't have any. Why go buy it and then throw it away?
I don't know
I don't have to deal with what you got to deal with.
I used to divide the world up into Jews and everydoby else
Know I divide the world up into combat veterans and everybody else

Here is what I deleted.

Yes I smelled a rat too, how many fathers would give their son a dead rat with maggots instead of a fish?

I have come to be grateful for Crazy Mike's gift to me.
I was born for this

I hardly
harldly ever
smell that rat
I see no evil
except my own

Woke uo from a dream about a jewish friend
and decided to write this
Doreen was in the dream too
but mostly it was about my Jewish friend

Thinking about my catholic friends
thinking about the virgin mother
Maybe why that is why I like Jesus so much
He had a crazy father too.
Hell what the fuck do I know
I can't even write a poem that rymes

Some of my dearest friends are Catholics
I have not smelled that rats in years
but I remember the fears
back when I thought all the evil in the world
was overseas
in Germany and Japan
they say our first four or five years of life will be who we are
took me years amd years
to make peace with that crazy god of my mothers before me

I don't [knows] Jimbo
I suppose I like Jesus because he was always kind and respectful of women even in the New testament
when he told the woman that he had no food to throw to dogs or goyim
but her faith had saved her
you say you don't like your mother
I come close to killing mine
I don't know what stopped me
amazing grace

Now I think of his [Christ] universal church and I think of creeps
but so many nuns do good works
even some priests.
the church is upside down
those at the top should be at the bottom on their knees
not in palaces dressed in gold robes.

sorry sorry sorry
I wish I had some poetry for you
But All I can think of is dead poets
take care
you are a valuable man
I don't think Christ was the last holy man Jewish or not
sorry
somebody delete this

[still.trucking]

I am still pissing in the wind

How about you?

[jimboloco]

no food to throw to dogs or goyim
but her faith had saved her

that's a misquote, man, not cool
listen have humor without defaming the character of this guy

Maybe why that is why I like Jesus so much
He had a crazy father too.

In the tragic fictional world of this aberrantly violent nexus of religions, our indoctrinated idea of jesus as the one holy son of god, god incarnate in human form the holy father in heaven, and the holy ghost gets what is left, actually shunted off to the side. so our indoctrinated version of god as the father god of jesus, mercy me, is definately crazy, absolute perversion

[jimboloco]

i have gone far enough, realising the essential truth in a logical cosmological structure, based on empirical historical evidence, the last one,4 holy men, all equal, all according to moses' standard, each to teach us something, all are intimately related, not seperated and alienated. thiis is through our intellect that we have been duped.

we have subscribed to the dominant father reality ever since we learned how to melt tin and iron together, bronze, a lighter weight than heavy and dull iron, and it could be made to bend, be cut, or sharpened to a fine edge, but unlike tin, which is as malleable as silver annd gold, bronse will keep it's strength and not be dented.

maybe god began to grieve as the mother-god matriarchy gave way to the patriarchy with violence, with swords of bronze.....

[jimboloco]

i have no farther to go outward
not really
it was an introverted expansion from introverted yin to a somewhat more extroverted yang, now i am continuing my ongoing change towards extroversion, while my exhausted yang turns now towards yin. inward, i will probe the depths, my abyss of abandonment, the suffering wounded child, the abyss where god lives in me, a sentient being on this planet, and also respect the yin side now without fear or disrespect, as i see my wife, sinuously in synch with me, holding a high standard, wearing her down, but not pleasing her, and i no longer need intellectual stimulation to manifest my understanding about the 4 prophets in equal splendor, amen,
a common coat with pockets and hood will do. outdoors wear. my wife sees the holy men standard, jesus' for sure, she wants me to live up to heir standard, not theirs, just jesus, but she is kind to me and somewhat understands my realisations.... jesus a holy man, not god, makes sense to her. i am now letting go of the draw towards intellectual realisation, the cosmic connections, the buillding to the conclusion of the actual record as it stands, er cogito sum

[jimboloco]

i can feel the pull of my wife's power
it's a quiet withdrawal tonight
as the wheel has begun to move the other way
my cravings are spiraling inward until they are smushed
crushed into my cennter, down at the bottom
and i loose them there while i am more present
outwardly so, yet my intellect wants inner depth
and wants to stop the chatter sometimes

[stilltrucking]

Didn't you know I was crazy Jim? I can show you my certification from selective service if you don't believe me.

I was thinking of the bit from mathew 15:27? Did I misquote it?

But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel. 25Then came she and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me. 26But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs. 27And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table. 28Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

They say Timothy Leary never had a bad trip until he tripped with Kerouac. For all Kerouac's talk of Buddhism he was still a good Catholic. All I know is he wrote beautiful stuff and I am grateful for that.

I am grateful to my parents for this gift of life. Took me years to find the love in my heart for Crazy mike.
I will all ways be a Jew, maybe a Jew-Buddhist. I will always be a Quaker and a Jesus Freak too. This is it for me. I need to live another five years if I can.

I went over to see my baby sister. Decided not to smoke it. She let it slide after only offering twice.

Why buy it if you don't want to smoke it?
Human behaviour is so complex, I don't think there any simple reasons for what we do. I like that song Johny Cash wrote about you

"I got a woman who knows her man"
I am not trying to piss on your leg, even if I have the urge to compete with every man. You paid your dues compadre. Live long and be preposterous if you need to.



When you told me that your father had died before you were born I used to envy you.

I wish you well. I will let you be now.

Yes God is bat shit crazy
but that is probably just the way it seems to me because of my own craziness.

I hope to come to my senses on the day I die.

It don't mean nothing jim
Drive on
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGsuEf-Y ... re=related

[stilltrucking]

It's been a couple weeks since I smoked pot. My dreams are becoming vivid again.

Do you notice any difference in your dreaming when you don't smoke for a while?

[stilltrucking]

Second thoughts
maybe sometimes it is a good thing that pot makes dreams less vivid

And even now, every time I dream I hear the men and the monkeys in the jungle scream