Crate and Baghdad by Art Buchwald

[Doreen Peri]

http://www.tmsfeatures.com/tmsfeatures/ ... catid=1083
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12/2/04

CRATE AND BAGHDAD

By Art Buchwald

Tribune Media Services

Of all the words that Colin Powell will be remembered for during his tenure as secretary of state, the most memorable were the ones he said when President Bush told him he was going to invade Iraq. Powell said, "You break it, you own it."

The other day I went to the Crate and Baghdad store in Pentagon City. There was broken china and glass everywhere. The manager was sweeping it up.

"What happened?"

"A shopper came into the store, dropped one vase, then another, and kept on breaking everything in the shop."

"How much damage did he do?" I asked.

"One hundred and fifty billions dollars' worth, but the customer said he was going to come back for more."

"It looks like he did a lot of damage."

"The funny part is, when he first came in, he said he wasn't going to break anything. He seemed like a good customer, so we showed him everything we had on display. But as soon as he touched something he dropped it. I told him it's our policy that if you break it you have to pay for it."

"Why do you think he keeps dropping things?"

"He can't hold anything in his hands. Instead of walking out of the store with a lot of expensive things, he leaves them in pieces on the floor."

"Does he come in alone?"

"No, he comes in with an entourage, and what he doesn't break, they do."

"You must be nervous when they come into the store."

"Not really, as long as they pay for everything."

"Then you don't care what they do?"

"It is good for business. We're having a sale right now - if you break one, you can break another one for free."

"That's a good pitch. When will the sale be over?"

"God only knows."

"Can you order on the Internet?"

"No," he said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"You can't break things from a computer."

The manager kept sweeping up the floor. He said, "Crate and Baghdad is the closest store to the Pentagon, and we stay open 24 hours a day. We have valet parking for generals and a reserved spot for the secretary of defense, who is our best customer."

"Tell me about some of the things they've broken."

"China, glass chandeliers, mirrors, antiques. They've even cut up Persian rugs."

"What do you keep on the back lot?"

"Hummers, tanks, armored trucks and Boeing airplanes."

"They can't be broken."

"Yes. When someone comes into our shop, we take them to the back lot. Once we get them in the shop, we can sell them anything their hearts desire."

"Are you thinking of expanding?"

"We have to. The more they buy, the more they break."

"Do they pay cash?"

"No, they buy everything on credit."

"Who eventually pays for all the broken stuff?"

He smiled. "You do."


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