I Could Have Been a General.
Posted: October 6th, 2009, 4:15 pm
This is a letter I composed today for my father's brother, also a WW2 bomber pilot like my long gone but not forgotten dad, as I have been troubled lately with visions of glory, fame, and money, I could have been a general. If I ever write my auto-biography, this will be the title. Instead I became a beat dharma bum, lonesome traveler without a poem till I found my home. Ah, above the clouds, with weapons and speed and power. Not there, no, way down below, tai chi poems and humbled charms.
Hi Drew
I've been haunted lately by thoughts about how things would have been different had I stayed in the Air Force. Indeed, I could have easily chosen another path with far more rewarding circumstances.
I was troubled by a melancholy spirit and the root cause was a terrible lack of self esteem, even a basic self awareness that I had a choice about my life as a boy. This was kept apart from me so clean that I never was able to make a firm mental picture of what my destiny could become. I clearly was destined to fly B-52's in the Air Force all along. There was no vision, no build up of confidence.
When I managed to graduate from college and got my commission, my step-dad Harold told me "You don't look like a Lieutenant." Right there I could have left home, not gone to Holland for sister Kathleen's glamorous wedding and my strutting about in my dress mess. I could have spent the month of May, 1969, in Shreveport and Blanchard, getting myself steady before going into active duty and pilot training. I could have set my intent and gone forward, done that year in Vietnam, which I did, then choose B-52's for a career.
I could have been flying out of Barksdale AFB, bombing Hanoi in the closing days of the war, before the POW's were finally released. Might even been shot down myself, a real fulfilling of my intended destiny. The familial love and respect would have been enormous, a wonderful glad life, likely with family and children as well.
Here I am, 62, having traversed a troubling route,, simply for the opportunity to stand at the gates of the Republican Convention in 1972, with Vietnam Veterans Against the War. We formed a cordon where the delegates walked through and we held the line, as red shirted protesters behind us tried to break through. I threw one kid back and turned around to shouts of "right on!" from my band of brothers. All the while a large contingent of uniformed riot squad ready police stood in formation behind the gates at parade rest. Some sort of harmonic convergence was there as they waited until all the delegates had arrived then moved forward to close the gate and we were dispersed with tear gas and some fighting. My Shreveport Marine friend, Robert McClain, stayed after "to fight the police." I left and came back to Detroit with a wounded veteran, "Detroit" Bill, a double amputee, arm and leg. He got around well with a long arm brace. He had been HALO jumper high altitude low opening over the north. There were others also, lots of anti-war veterans, a great experience.
Then the whole sky and nothing.
So yeah maybe spending time with grandmother Truth in Blanchard would have calmed me. Maybe I would have felt an opening to talk. It would have been better if I had changed my home base to Shreveport long ago when I first left home. I suppose so. I could have said I was gonna fly to win the cold war anyway. And the B-52 is such a terrible and magnificent bird. Wonderful flying I am sure. Great glory as well.
They say the Lord works in strange ways. This is true in my case. Now I am 62, in decent health, planning for many more years of living. I have a humble yet well paying job and great circumstances, save for the annual Air Force pension. So I have to keep working in order to maintain a decent lifestyle for my wife and our cats. I now have grandkids and a a son-out-law, what I call him. My wife and her daughter are best friends, a truly beautiful life for them.
I am an active member of the VVAW, have submitted an article I wrote with a high school history student. It will hopefully be included in the Fall 2009 Veteran. I am also blessed with a Tai Chi group that is world class, Taoist Tai Chi Society of St Petersburg. I have a great counselor, a zen practitioner, also a cyber friend lady in Israel who left a prayer for me at the Wailing Wall this summer. I also am a sustaining member of www.wmnf.org community radio Tampa Bay and have been a caller there on numerous occasions for many years now, Rob Lorei's Radioactivity show at 1 pm weekdays. Plus I also call in afterwards and leave messages on his recorded line about controversial topics. There are of course edited and chosen, but I got a 500 batting average there and have learned a lot about talking clarity and developed communication skills thru that show.
Nothing would have really changed. I don't think I could have won the Vietnam War had I really tried. But I did have an impact towards a more rational and indeed restrained usage of the US military with a clearer and moral intent, as we are now seeing inside Afghanistan, with clear limits on the efficacy of tactical airstrikes and collateral damage, the killing of civilians which turns the populace against us, an unbridled anger.
I have to turn it over to God. I weep over my lost affection with Truth, who I know sufferred a lot because I failed her expectations and values. I am sorry for this yes. Had I realised a deeper bond with her, I might have looked to her for a more hawkish view.
The motivation to proceed forward either comes from outside or from within. In the absence of an external motivating personality, I wandered forward listening to my inner voice, had A Good look at the EARTH, found a deep anger and an immediate mission, and we marched as war veterans, the first contingent in US history to march against an active war. Veterans have marched to protest benefits since the Civil War. Now we also have an active contingent of Iraq Veterans Against the War. We generally have supported fighting Al-Quaida in Afghanistan, and I have been vocal and written about this.
So here I am and there you are, still watching the world turn, knowing there is a God and wondering, feeling both pain and humility, and goodness and lovingkindness. We are humankind, all of us oneday to be sisters and brothers. This is our destiny. May we be strong enough to make this happen.
Jimbo #2
Hi Drew
I've been haunted lately by thoughts about how things would have been different had I stayed in the Air Force. Indeed, I could have easily chosen another path with far more rewarding circumstances.
I was troubled by a melancholy spirit and the root cause was a terrible lack of self esteem, even a basic self awareness that I had a choice about my life as a boy. This was kept apart from me so clean that I never was able to make a firm mental picture of what my destiny could become. I clearly was destined to fly B-52's in the Air Force all along. There was no vision, no build up of confidence.
When I managed to graduate from college and got my commission, my step-dad Harold told me "You don't look like a Lieutenant." Right there I could have left home, not gone to Holland for sister Kathleen's glamorous wedding and my strutting about in my dress mess. I could have spent the month of May, 1969, in Shreveport and Blanchard, getting myself steady before going into active duty and pilot training. I could have set my intent and gone forward, done that year in Vietnam, which I did, then choose B-52's for a career.
I could have been flying out of Barksdale AFB, bombing Hanoi in the closing days of the war, before the POW's were finally released. Might even been shot down myself, a real fulfilling of my intended destiny. The familial love and respect would have been enormous, a wonderful glad life, likely with family and children as well.
Here I am, 62, having traversed a troubling route,, simply for the opportunity to stand at the gates of the Republican Convention in 1972, with Vietnam Veterans Against the War. We formed a cordon where the delegates walked through and we held the line, as red shirted protesters behind us tried to break through. I threw one kid back and turned around to shouts of "right on!" from my band of brothers. All the while a large contingent of uniformed riot squad ready police stood in formation behind the gates at parade rest. Some sort of harmonic convergence was there as they waited until all the delegates had arrived then moved forward to close the gate and we were dispersed with tear gas and some fighting. My Shreveport Marine friend, Robert McClain, stayed after "to fight the police." I left and came back to Detroit with a wounded veteran, "Detroit" Bill, a double amputee, arm and leg. He got around well with a long arm brace. He had been HALO jumper high altitude low opening over the north. There were others also, lots of anti-war veterans, a great experience.
Then the whole sky and nothing.
So yeah maybe spending time with grandmother Truth in Blanchard would have calmed me. Maybe I would have felt an opening to talk. It would have been better if I had changed my home base to Shreveport long ago when I first left home. I suppose so. I could have said I was gonna fly to win the cold war anyway. And the B-52 is such a terrible and magnificent bird. Wonderful flying I am sure. Great glory as well.
They say the Lord works in strange ways. This is true in my case. Now I am 62, in decent health, planning for many more years of living. I have a humble yet well paying job and great circumstances, save for the annual Air Force pension. So I have to keep working in order to maintain a decent lifestyle for my wife and our cats. I now have grandkids and a a son-out-law, what I call him. My wife and her daughter are best friends, a truly beautiful life for them.
I am an active member of the VVAW, have submitted an article I wrote with a high school history student. It will hopefully be included in the Fall 2009 Veteran. I am also blessed with a Tai Chi group that is world class, Taoist Tai Chi Society of St Petersburg. I have a great counselor, a zen practitioner, also a cyber friend lady in Israel who left a prayer for me at the Wailing Wall this summer. I also am a sustaining member of www.wmnf.org community radio Tampa Bay and have been a caller there on numerous occasions for many years now, Rob Lorei's Radioactivity show at 1 pm weekdays. Plus I also call in afterwards and leave messages on his recorded line about controversial topics. There are of course edited and chosen, but I got a 500 batting average there and have learned a lot about talking clarity and developed communication skills thru that show.
Nothing would have really changed. I don't think I could have won the Vietnam War had I really tried. But I did have an impact towards a more rational and indeed restrained usage of the US military with a clearer and moral intent, as we are now seeing inside Afghanistan, with clear limits on the efficacy of tactical airstrikes and collateral damage, the killing of civilians which turns the populace against us, an unbridled anger.
I have to turn it over to God. I weep over my lost affection with Truth, who I know sufferred a lot because I failed her expectations and values. I am sorry for this yes. Had I realised a deeper bond with her, I might have looked to her for a more hawkish view.
The motivation to proceed forward either comes from outside or from within. In the absence of an external motivating personality, I wandered forward listening to my inner voice, had A Good look at the EARTH, found a deep anger and an immediate mission, and we marched as war veterans, the first contingent in US history to march against an active war. Veterans have marched to protest benefits since the Civil War. Now we also have an active contingent of Iraq Veterans Against the War. We generally have supported fighting Al-Quaida in Afghanistan, and I have been vocal and written about this.
So here I am and there you are, still watching the world turn, knowing there is a God and wondering, feeling both pain and humility, and goodness and lovingkindness. We are humankind, all of us oneday to be sisters and brothers. This is our destiny. May we be strong enough to make this happen.
Jimbo #2