The 12 Days of Christmas

[Doreen Peri]

Sorry, I don't know who wrote this. I found this on the internet somewhere. It cracked me up!

The Twelve Days of Christmas



DAY ONE:



Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.



With deepest love and affection,
Violet
_________________________________



DAY TWO:



Dearest Bob,



Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.

My everlasting

love,


Violet

_________________________________



DAY THREE:



My Dear Bob,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, 
but I must insist... you've been too, too kind.



All my love,


Violet


_________________________________

DAY FOUR:



Dear Bob,



Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.



Love,


Violet
_________________________________


DAY FIVE:



Dear Bob,



What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.



Affectionately,


Violet



_________________________________

DAY SIX:



Bob,



Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.

Now let this be the end of this.



Cordially,


Violet

_________________________________



DAY SEVEN:

Bob,



What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.

Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.



Sincerely,


Violet

_________________________________

DAY EIGHT:



OK Pal ! !

WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.

JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.

_________________________________



DAY NINE:



LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !

YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

UP YOURS !!!


_________________________________



DAY TEN:



YOU ROTTEN PRICK !!!

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.

NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !

THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE !!

I MEAN IT. BY GOD!

_________________________________

DAY ELEVEN:

LISTEN FUCKHEAD !!!!
NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."

THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.

THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.

FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU !!!!
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!



MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN



_________________________________

DAY TWELVE:

LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY

Dear Sir:



This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.

The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

[mtmynd]

very funny!

[Artguy]

LOLOLOLOLOLOL........I needed that thanks. Here is the Canadian version.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2oPio60mK4

[jimboloco]

Be careful what you wish for
Christmas in July
is like
Firecrackers in December.

A BANG!
then a knock on the door.
and nothing more,
just a turd.