Silver Lining

[sasha]

It seems the Pentagon found itself getting a little top-heavy, so they implemented a program offering cash bonuses to any officer or NCO over the age of 50 who volunteered to retire early. The amount of the bonus would be $1000 for every inch measured between any two points on the candidate's body, points to be chosen by the candidate himself.

On the first day of the program, 3 candidates were waiting in the camp hospital's waiting room: a tall & lanky Major, a short, heaviset Master Sergeant, and a crusty old Colonel. The doctor beckoned for the Major to come into the examination room.

"I want to be measured from the tip of my toes to the top of my head," the Major says.

"Yessir," the Doctor says, and has the Major lay on the table so he can be measured. "Six foot four!" the doctor exclaims. "Seventy-six inches! That's $76,000 on top of your pension!"

The Major smiles, salutes, and strides out.

Next up is the Master Sergeant. He probably doesn't top 5' 5", so extends his arms out to the sides. "Measure me from the tip of my right hand to the tip of my left."

The doctor does so. "Five-foot eight! That's $68,000, Sergeant!"

"Yessir," the Sergeant beams. "Thank you, Captain!" He salutes the doctor and walks out.

Last in is the Colonel. His face is tanned and seamed, his thick white hair is buzz cut, and looks as trim as he was in his 20s. "I'd like to be measured from my balls to the tip of my dick," he declares.

The doctor stares in confusion. "Uh, sir - perhaps you don't understand. You'll be paid $1000 per inch of whatever I measure. Perhaps you'd like me to measure somewhere else?"

But the Colonel says, "You heard me, Captain," and drops his pants.

The doctor shrugs and places the tape measure at the tip of the Colonel's penis. But when he followed it back to its base, he gasped with shock. "Good heavens, Colonel," he says, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Colonel just smiles. "Vietnam," he says.

[saw]

whoa. that's a long way !
brilliant....funny yet poignant
how do we measure our contributions ?
can anyone really be compensated
for their sacrifices in war ?
the story provokes many questions in my mind
well done

[sasha]

Just so there's no misunderstanding... this is my retelling of a joke I heard some time ago. As with most jokes that make the rounds, authorship is pretty vague. I kind of liked this one because the old Colonel managed to get the last laugh, even if he had to wait 45 years for it.

[saw]

a man is driving home from work on the expressway when his cell phone rings

It's his wife, " Honey I just wanted you to know, I was watching the evening news on tv and some nut is driving the wrong way on the expressway !"

The husband replies..."There's more than one nut....there's hundreds of them !"

[sasha]

Four deer hunters decide to split up into pairs for the morning's hunt, and agree to meet by their vehicles at noon. At the appointed hour, the first pair trudge out of the woods to their rendezvous point - where only one of the other pair is waiting, with a 6-point buck at his feet. "Where's Henry?" they ask.

The 3rd fellow gestures back towards the woods. "Back there somewhere," he says. "He had a seizure of some kind and collapsed. I had to haul this buck out by myself."

"You took the buck and left Henry lying there??" they ask in disbelief.

"Tough call," the guy nods. "But I figured no one would steal Henry."

[sasha]

The Queen of England is giving the Archbishop of Canterbury a tour of the royal stables. As they pass by one of Her Majesty's prize stallions, it lifts its tail and loudly passes a noxious cloud of gas.

"Oh, dear," the mortified Queen says. "I'm so dreadfully sorry!"

"Oh, that's quite all right, Mum," the Archbishop says. After a bit of a pause he adds, "As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse."