Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

Although happily unemployed, I haven't bothered to delete my LinkedIn profile, and still get notices about my former colleagues still chained to their oars. Today I received, not one, not two, but THREE notifications about job opportunities as a Scrum Master!

A Scrum Master?? What the living fuck is a Scrum Master? Sounds like a cross between something in professional sports and the porn industry.

Turns out to be some kind of team leader, though the description drips with the bogus management-speak I came to loathe: "As the Scrum Master you will be responsible for working with multiple and /or larger scale teams for Agile based processes. Incumbents work with greater independence and lead the effort to drive solutions to complete issues with multiple teams collaborate with multiple project managers within a PMO. We also grant you the ability to learn and work with cutting edge technologies in a harmonious work culture environment to achieve long-term company goals..."

Thanks for the clarification. Now I know exactly what the job entails. Gotta love them agile processes and those cutting edge technologies in a harmonious work culture.

What a load of crap. What a pile of verbal horseshit....

I hate almost all forms of Corporatese..

It's a learned behavior. The big alpha dogs speak this way to their subordinates in middle management, who in turn adopt the lingo so that they, too, can sound like Big Dogs. It'd be laughable if it weren't so grating and obviously pathetic.

At the monthly "Communications" meetings held in the caff, we'd play a sort of buzzword bingo - noting each occurrence of our favorites, and carefully documenting any new ones: "transition", "task", "leverage", "cascade", all as verbs - "strategic pillars" (the primary corporate objectives), "core competencies" (what we're good at), "upside growth potential" (no idea - maybe opportunities to expand certain markets?), "harmonize" (?? nothing to do with music)... One of the best was a supply problem with "negative implications for our scrap portfolio" (garbage in, garbage out). And then, of course, there were all those little idioms that all idiots were required to memorize & pepper their informal speech with: "...to your point... value-added... a good story... across the board... on the table..."

You'd better start talking this way and wearing a tie every day if you wanted to keep your seat in the boardroom. Which is one reason I never escaped the lab, the other being I didn't want to!

It's one of quite a few reasons why I never seriously considered moving up the "management" ladder, for sure.

groceries & blowjobs - it's the American way ya monkee-humpers * *

Yes grasshopper. Just be the blowee, not the blow-er. I ain't ****ing anyone's agenda to get another rung up the trellis.