How To Sing the Blues

[Zlatko Waterman]

All:


A fun, reverent and irreverent look at the blues and culture
( forwarded by a friend):



HOW TO SING THE BLUES



1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues,
'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like
" I
got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort
of: "Got a
good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth
like
Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you
stuck in ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down
trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a
southbound
train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even
in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the
blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die
yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood"
means being
old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in
Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson
is just
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still
the best
places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in
any
place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A
woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz
you
skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an
alligator
be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping
mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot
or sit
by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit,
'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you
slept
in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes,
if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad
luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman
could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline,
it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a
Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is
another
Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance
abuse,
and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have
a Blues
death if you die during a tennis match or getting
liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn,
and Rainbow
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot
in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,
etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
Lime,
Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a
computer,
you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire,
a spilled
bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your
big woman
just done sat on it. I don't care.