Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

Mark elevated to head position
by Fish
14:25 EST

Heaven (AP) – After several centuries of speculation, Heaven announced today that Mark would now be acting as God, with former chief Yahweh transferred internally. Heaven spokesman Metatron stated that Yahweh, the chief executive for three millennia, would be "free to focus on areas in which he has always shown great expertise", now given the new title of Patron Saint of the Hebrews, the Desert, and Myrrh.

Mark is an industry insider whose work The Gospel According to Mark is considered "like scripture" by many in the industry, and is often used as a motivational tool. He has been working closely with the Host for over 1900 years, and has occupied the position of Patron Saint of Notaries since joining the organization. Industry analyst Confucius noted that "Mark's former life as a human will be of great benefit to Heaven, keeping the top brass focused on the core audience – mortals." Analysts also hope that the new God can leverage his birth in Jerusalem to heal the numerous internal rifts that focus on that city.




Yahweh acquired the role of God from El in 950 BCE and turned it from a small Levantine franchise into an organization serving over two billion. However, the bottom line suffered after Yahweh opted to branch out from the Hebrews, the original core mission, into wider distribution and new franchises. While the mass-market Christian line was quickly successful, soon dominating the entire Roman market, industry analysts felt that millennia of diversification had led to an overall decline in quality. Most recently, the Islam franchise was seen as troublesome, too often resorting to tough-sell techniques in order to increase numbers. Though Heaven's "Reformation" program had been very successful at reenergizing the once-lagging "Western Christian" branch, Gabriel's attempts to apply it to Islam had only led to further friction between the branches; Yahweh had been widely criticized for failing to take action to repair the damage. In addition, critics both within and outside of the Choir Eternal were disappointed at Yahweh's failure to mount an aggressive campaign to combat newer competitors such as Nietzsche and L. Ron Hubbard.
Hoping to smooth any frayed egos among his predecessor's supporters, the new God announced via Metatron at a press conference that "Yahweh is blessed and his name shall be sung by the seraphim, upon lyres made of gold, for 144,000 days," hastily adding, "I am the Lord thy God."

Two Heavenly staffers, who asked only to be identified as "Mike" and "Raph", said that they are looking forward to Mark getting Heaven back to its business basics, such as smiting evildoers. "If I were Karl Rove or Rupert Murdoch, I'd seriously consider repenting post haste," said 'Mike'. "Also, I'd advise everyone to stay out of Utah come June 25."

Mark had been considered a leading candidate for the job, along with the Archangel Uriel, St. Elizabeth, and St. Paul. Inside sources confirm that the latter had campaigned particularly hard for the position.

In the Lake of Eternal Fire, Baal, spokesman for the Pit, said that his group was "looking forward to working with God, and hopes that He is more forgiving than His predecessor." Brahma, as always, had no comment.