Krassner Says. . . . . .

[Scootertrash]

THE 2004 RUMPLEFORESKIN AWARDS


By Paul Krassner

The Chutzpah Above and Beyond the Call of Duty Award goes to Mark Geragos, attorney for Scott Peterson, for seeking donations to continue the investigation into the murders of Peterson's pregnant wife to help "free the man we know is innocent."



The Best Legal Argument Award—to Aaron McKinney, co-murderer of Matthew Shepherd, denying that he and his accomplice killed him because he was gay: "I would say it wasn't a hate crime. All I wanted to do was beat him up and rob him."



The Influencing the Jury Pool Award—to Mad magazine for its cover showing Michael Jackson with his arm around Alfred E. Neuman, who may not be worried, but does look scared. Very scared.
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The Most Presidential Statement Award—to George W. Bush, who, while visiting wounded troops at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington and expressing condolences to relatives of service members killed in Mosul, said, "Today, we had a rocket attack that took a lot of lives. Any time of the year is a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."



The Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Award—to anybody even remotely connected with federally funded programs that teach that touching another person's genitals "can result in pregnancy" and that exposure to sweat and tears is a risk factor for HIV transmission.



The Best Reason for Resigning Award—this one is a tie: to Colin Powell, who wanted to spend more time with his conscience; and to Bernard Kerik, who wanted to spend more time with his nanny.



The Conspiratorial Freudian Slip Award—to Donald Rumsfeld, who said on Christmas Eve at Camp Victory in Baghdad: "And I think all of us have a sense if we imagine the kind of world we would face if the people who bombed the mess hall in Mosul, or the people who did the bombing in Spain, or the people who attacked the United States in New York, shot down the plane over Pennsylvania and attacked the Pentagon."



The Totally Erasing the Previously Merely Blurred Line Between Satire and Reality Award—to the editors of the online Ironic Times, for this hed and subhed: "Pfizer: Celebrex Doubles Risk of Heart Attack—But still an effective treatment for arthritis"—which is essentially what Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell said.



The Maintaining High Standards Award—to the Estate of Johnny Cash, for refusing to allow a hemorrhoid commercial to use Cash's song, "Ring of Fire."



The Minimalist Approach to the Cultural Divide—to Bill Donahue, head of the Catholic League, for providing middle America's new mantra: "Hollywood Loves Anal Sex."