aaahhhhh shit!

Hang out. Talk trash.
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singlemalt
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aaahhhhh shit!

Post by singlemalt » November 28th, 2005, 10:49 pm

(exhale)

that's better. now, where were we?

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Scootertrash
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Post by Scootertrash » November 29th, 2005, 12:59 am

We's riiiiiight here!
Check One:
_Yes, I would like to receive information on Nigerian Oil Investments
_Yes, I would like to receive information on pyramid and triangle-based investment opportunities

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singlemalt
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Post by singlemalt » November 29th, 2005, 11:57 am

oh yeah. i forgot.

so, whatdaya have to drink?

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Scootertrash
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Post by Scootertrash » November 30th, 2005, 5:17 am

I was on a random UA call in program when I was on probation a few years back. And I was having a real tough time staying clean-- and every homespun wizz cleaning trick I tried was to no avail. The probation officer had advised me that I had run out of "freebies" and if I came up "hot" again she told me she was going to place me in the house of detention OH YES SHE DID. God I hated the way it felt. That sense of impending doom. I tried, Lord knows, I tried to cease my intake of stuff, but people always just seemed to show up at my door who were holding and though what shred of common sense I possessed said,"No", my jones said "Go".
Then I had to sweat it out by calling a number everyday to see if I had to report the following day to submit a sample of my not so precious bodily fluid so the state geeks could perform whatever twisted ritual with it that struck their fancy.......

Then one day it came. Just like as it came to all the other great minds in history like Issac Newton, Thomas Edison, Alfred Einstein and Clarance White, I had the notorious "Eureka Moment".
Like any good speed freak, I didn't keep much in the way of food in the fridge, but, I was digging around in there and found a half pack of Ball Park Franks who's best days had definitly passed.
They had lost their new weenie sheen. The coloring had become mottled, manflesh like-- had started to shrivel and wrinkle. I pulled one out, held it up and gave it a good examination. "Hmmmmmm", I kept saying as I studied the desicated weiner, "hmmmmm.....". Then it hit me like a bolt of lightning.
I heard the clear booming voice of GOD say,
" Build the WIZZMASTER2000(t.m.)"

I set to it feverishly. After only about 12 hours I had it. By trial and error I came up with all the nescessary rigging.
One dried up weenie. One small kid's balloon, some strong thread , one Bic pen with the point and ink tube removed. I took the buttend of the pen body and put it in the end you blow up the balloon and secured it good and watertight with thread. Then very carefully inserted the tapered end of the pen body in the end of the weiner and gently forced it through the length of the erstwhile Ball Park Frank. Poked it out the other end, then backed it off just a bit so the pen wouldn't show. Then pulled it back out, held the pen tip under the faucet and let the balloon partially fill with warm water. Then inserted the pen back into the weiner.
I was locked and loaded and ready for the first test. I stuck the thing down my pants, went into the bathroom then ,watching in the mirror, I whipped it out, took aim, gently applied pressure with my arm at my side and "pissed"in the bathtub. Looked realistic enough, I thought. As long as someone wasn't staring closely at Mr. Oscar Meyer, it just might work.

Many test were conducted in the privacy of my home. I had it all figured out. It wasn't difficult to obtain non-drug tainted urine and I was going warm it up using those little heat packs, so it wouldn't fail the temperature test at the testing facility.
But I needed to test the WIZZMASTER2000(t.m.) on an unsuspecting second party, before I'd even think about trying to use it under the watchfull eye of UA test giver.
One early summer evening I had a lovely female friend over at my ocean front place who I considered some what of a professional when it came to the male appendage. I thought, "If I can fool her, I can fool even the most experienced hardened piss test giver". While she was sitting on my couch watching the surf, I chatted with her from the kitchen, furitively preparing for the first witnessed live fire excerise of the WIZZMASTER 2000 (t.m.)
When I had enough warm tap water in the balloon and the whole deal in place, all was ready. I came strolling back into the living room. Standing at the window with my back to her I readied the beast. Suddenly I spun, whipped it out, took aim, pressed on the balloon. I shot an arc of water about six feet across room, hitting her squarely in the head. She jumped up screaming and shaking her hair. "What the fuck are you doing?" she demanded. So I told her the good news that she was the first person besides me to see the WIZZMASTER2000(t.m.) in action and I wanted her opinion. She looked down at the mighty WIZZMASTER2000, looked up at me, looked down again- then looked up and said,
"Oh you're out of your Goddamned mind."
Check One:
_Yes, I would like to receive information on Nigerian Oil Investments
_Yes, I would like to receive information on pyramid and triangle-based investment opportunities

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tinkerjack
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Post by tinkerjack » November 30th, 2005, 7:42 am

just a random note.

I have had pretty good luck with the kosher dogs.

Funny I was just thinking about you. And who else here might riemember some scribblings in the margins called Divine Right's Trip?

been slaving my a$$ of here in cyber space at five twenty six tulsa time. out of cigarettes, my jones death wish working overtime. I promised myself I would work three hours and treat myself to a pack of Doral Ultra Lights.

I been thinking about some jim beam, I watched blade runner the other night and he looked like he was enjoying that whiskey.

They sell minatures but the last time I bought whiskey I went cheap four or five bucks for what looked like a half pint, 500ml. I stayed high for a week.

Thinking about the first time and last time I drove a truck when I was drunk. Had a job out in the boonies at a feed mill. Christmas eve a dairy farmer calls in for a load of feed after the office party started. Had to go, I was the soberest drunk there. Caught myself doing 90 on a two lane country road. That sobered me up quick.

I have taken enough whizz quizes to paper my bedroom wall. I used to go down the road rolling and steering with my elbows. Then I realized the wacky tobaccy was making me work too hard. I suppose I just got to old, hard to make on the long haul if you are getting stoned day and night. So I would stay out for a couple months and build up enough days off to get stoned for a week and straight for about five days to get back to the number one drug which was number two diesel
Hard to do serious safe trucking. I mean nine hundred mile over nighters. Not just once in a while but to the max. I can't explain how mundane the road was for me. How Kerouac made it sound so romantic. For me it was survival. I had found a litte ecco niche where I could maintain.

well I got to go getsome smokes.

I hope you make a bundle on the Whizzmaster. I still think Hebrew Natural Polish Knockwurst is the way to go. They are meatier. Less rodent hairs, and hell they been blessed or something.
free rice
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singlemalt
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Post by singlemalt » November 30th, 2005, 10:38 am

Dear God in heaven!

Now that, Mr. Trash, is a great story.

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K&D
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Post by K&D » November 30th, 2005, 1:42 pm

this is what i'm talking about you guys....you guys have done all this stuff and here i am worrying that its the end of the world because i got a criminal speeding ticket....plus its just not fair, i don't want the criminal speeding ticket, theres tons of worse things that i could have done, hell in the eyes of the government there are worse things that i have done, but its all a matter of getting caught.

i'm actually handling this well i just worry because thats what they want me to do isn't it.
Blah!

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firsty
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Post by firsty » November 30th, 2005, 2:26 pm

all i get these days is tickets and thats not so bad but i know what you mean. it's better tho afterall than spending the nite in jail, or standing before a judge who hates you for no reason at all. the last ticket i got was by a piece of shit timewasting cop who had nothing better to do than notice that my inspection was expired as we passed each other on a curvy mountain road both going 40 mph. still have no idea how the motherfucker saw my sticker at that speed, but he pulled me over. in order to maintain my respectability, i went in to pay my ticket with an immense amount of attitude. on the back of my ticket, it said that i owed $35. then the bitch behind the counter told me i owed $105. there were $70 in taxes added onto the fine. i told her to fuck off and to shove my money up her ass. i had to pay her tho. luckily, there was a cop at the next window chatting it up with a young but ugly whore secretary back there, and he mouthed off to me with a laugh, so i told him to fuck off too and left the place, screeching my tires and giving them all the finger. i hate cops more than anything, even more than hangnails and judges and lawyers. punks, all. punks and thugs.

i was real pissed about that hundred bucks i had to spend, but i've got enough money for lunch today so whats really the difference after all? you're not a bad person for getting a ticket and nothing is the end of the world except when those 5 billion chinese start marching across alaska, which is coming quicker than you think.
and knowing i'm so eager to fight cant make letting me in any easier.

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singlemalt
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Post by singlemalt » November 30th, 2005, 3:33 pm

five billion chinese marching across alaska? i think we're going to have to pick up another keg.

ah, keggers. reminds me of four quality years spent at the university of wisconsin.

hey, did i ever tell you about the girl who was passed out nekkid in our dorm? good times.

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K&D
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Post by K&D » November 30th, 2005, 5:08 pm

well it says i do have to go to court since it is a criminal speeding violation....quess theres nothing i can do about it now though, got to wait till friday.
Blah!

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tinkerjack
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Post by tinkerjack » December 1st, 2005, 11:02 am

I think drunk drivers ought to be dragged out of their cars and hung from the nearest highway sign. Well maybe not for the first ofense or the thrid, but maybe about the sixth time they are arressted for drunk driving. How about maybe the eighth offense when they have just wiped out a family of five. Do it in the name of the eight year old child laying on the center stripe with her guts hanging out and a six inch piece of glass sticking into her right eye.

Yeah first I know how you felt, that time I grabbed that cop by the throat and kicked him in the balls. :roll: Good story firsty, even more believable than scooters.

KiD, when I was driving that feed truck drunk and going 90 miles an hour down hi-way 252 in the shenandoah valley. I felt like god, I was in total control and was not thinking about any unfortunate piece of meat coming down the road in front of me.

Yeah it is good to be concerned about all the suffering in the world, all the wars, the babies dieing of aids, why the hell not drive drunk.

Kid get a foot warmer and a radar detector and make sure you got good tires. Keep the bugs off your glass and the bears off your...

don't mind me, just a prisoner of the highway.
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