This is the answering service

[Doreen Peri]

1.

‎Hi. This is a taped message. The Dr.'s office is currently closed. If this is an emergency, call 911. If this is not an emergency, call back when you're feeling much sicker than you are right now. If you're not sure if this is an emergency or not, call back when you're sure it is not an emergency, and we'll try to fit you in some time within the next few weeks so we can run some tests in case you need to go to the ER.

Press "1" to leave a message for the emergency nurse on call and we'll get back to you in about 4-5 days. Press "2" to put your name on the waiting list to get a copy of your blood test results. Please note that the waiting list is only for patients who have life-threatening health issues. Press "3" to request a return phone call from the triage nurse. Make sure you have your insurance info on hand when we call you back as well as your current vital signs including blood pressure, temperature, pulse and respiration rate or you'll have to go to the ER.


2.

Ring ring. "Hello?"

"This is the answering service for your Dr.'s office returning your call. Can I help you?"

"Yes. Thanks for calling me back. I need to reschedule my appointment."

"Oh. Well, I'm sorry. Nobody is in to confirm that you want to reschedule. This is the answering service."

"OK. Well, I'm confirming it. I need to reschedule."

"I'm sorry but no one is in to confirm that. We will have to reschedule your appointment for the next available appointment date when someone will be here to confirm your request."

"OK. What day and time?"

"When would you like to reschedule it?"

"Right now."

"I'm sorry, but the office is closed so we can't schedule you to come in right now. Nobody's here. Let's just reschedule you for next week, Wednesday at 2pm. That way, someone will be here to confirm."

"I'm sorry, I can't make it then. Can you ask them to return my call so I can reschedule?"

"I'm sorry but there's nobody here to ask anything. Let's just reschedule your appointment."

"OK. I'd like to do that."

"When someone comes in we'll have them call you to confirm."

"OK, but I'm not sure I'll be here."

"All right. Then we won't call. Please call us back again when no one is here to help you."

"OK, bye."
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dp.7/25/2010

[constantine]

reminds me of fast food joints when you're trying to order, but they keep interrupting to ask what you want.

[Doreen Peri]

Thanks, Dino! ... I just edited Part 1.... I hope it's funnier now. I think it's better.

[stilltrucking]

It is funny

Reminds me of Modern Times


"Chaplinesque"

[Steve Plonk]

Doreen, moreover, your piece reminds me of Abbot & Costello's "Who's on first" bit.
Total confusion and snafu reigns supreme...sounds like some of the odd
answering services I've gotten privy to.

[Arcadia]

All right. Then we won't call. Please call us back again when no one is here to help you."

"OK, bye."
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I really hate answering machines...!!!!!! funny: a sort of posmodern mix of Kafka & Beckett holding the phone..!

[.Lucy.]

Hahaha!

You're a gem, Doreen!