One of those Days

[happytrails]

It's one of those dreary days
when it would be so easy to quit.
Just give up and not be bothered
with the world and all its shit.
One of those sad days
when I wish I had never been born.
It would be so nice not to live
with a soul that is bruised and torn.
One of those nights when I go to sleep
hoping that I won't wake
When I say my prayers I mean it
as I 'pray the lord my soul to take'.
The tears just won't stop flowing
As I realize what I've lost.
My little girl hates me now;
and like the trash, I've just been tossed
My heart is feeling heavy
as it beats inside my chest.
I know I wasn't good enough
although I did my best.
I wish I had the courage
to go jump in a freezing lake;
But I know that if I do that
my soul, the lord won't take.
And so I am stuck here
in my dreary, empty life.
Although I'd like to end it all
With a big sharp knife.
Something big and sharp enough
to slice out the endless pain.
One of those awful days that
I hope to never have again.

[joel]

I didn’t have a word to say, but saw
a vision clearly on an afternoon
in autumn, in the postscript midday sun,
of one who seemed to me disheveled in
emotions and appearances alike,
who saw that I had died or killed myself,
but didn’t have a judgment to assert.
And this is what I heard when I was hurt:
I wouldn’t want to watch you kill yourself,
but wouldn’t hate you if you did. To spike
your suckerpunch with angry spirits’ sin:
it bothers me, but if your life’s begun
to hurt that much, and if you force it soon,
we’ll nonetheless still talk of love and awe.

[Michael]

My little girl hates me now;
and like the trash, I've just been tossed

Ah, but isn’t that part of the joy of parenthood? You make sure you take care of yourself and, in doing so, you increase your ability to take care of others. However, when your “little girl” sees you’re taking care of yourself, she doesn’t see that as an attempt to improve your ability to take care of her, she sees it as selfishness.

And, so, the simile that follows is very appropriate. Been there. Still am with one out of four of my so called “adult” kids.

I wish I had the courage
to go jump in a freezing lake;
But I know that if I do that
my soul, the lord won't take.

I don’t know this for a fact, but I suspect that one of the thoughts that stops people from offing themselves is the thought that they won’t be successful. That could be good!

Think of what happens if you fail:

• You may need constant care and another’s life is adversely affected.
• Your worldview changes and you want to start over again, but the world’s view of you doesn’t change.
• You become an indentured servant to the American (or that of some other nation) Medical Association.
• You become an ardent activist for universal health care. No, wait, that’s a good thing.

I’m not a person who thinks that suicide is selfish. I think that those who hold that view aren’t trying as hard as they can to be empathic.

However, before going through with it, one should definitely think of the effect it has on those one leaves behind.

If one is an atheist, one might not care.

If one believes in a “lord” who can “take your soul”, then one believes that the suffering which drove one to commit suicide might be just as intense in the afterlife, if not worse. The wrath of god and all that jazz.

This could be a very revealing piece, although I’m sort of hoping it isn’t.

To friendship,
Michael

[happytrails]

Thank you Michael. Kind thoughts, but the problem is deeper than that. And it goes back a long way.
I have some family who would be hurt if I left that way. They would be wondering why she is so much more important than they are.
I am not an Athiest, more of an 'I don't know so I don't want to piss off the big guy, just in case'ist'

Joel, That was really cool. I like the poem you wrote in response. Thank you.

[jackofnightmares]

I watched a friend with her daughter
having a conversation
the daughter around 13 was in tears
my friend a kind and brilliant woman
calmly tenderly spoke to her daughter
but the daughter was not comforted
later I asked my friend why her daughter couldn't understand
and my friend said "because she could not hear me"
not sure if that relates,

I wish I had the courage
to go jump in a freezing lake;

Courage?
Maybe,
if a coward dies a thousand deaths I am going to owe for a lot of funerals when I do go.


I never thought of it as courage.
I have to think about that some more.
It is a touchy subject for me. I was a precocious child, I tried to hang myself when I was eight years old, I never wished I had not been born, but wished I would just hurry up and die a few times.
> joel that was awesome
s>orry for the ramble happytrails you touched a nerve with that one

[happytrails]

I could never do it. In spite of the pain of loss I am feeling right now, I have a lot of family who do love me. Sometimes though, the loss of one is overwhelming.

Many years ago there was a fire in a nightclub in Montreal, that took 37 or 39 lives. Two of the men who died in that fire were from the same family. In all, there had been 10 children in that family. At the funeral for those two young men, someone (who thought she was being kind, I hope) said to the mother "Well, at least you still have eight more." I was stunned. Speechless. The loss of a single child is painful, even if you have a whole lot more.

My daughter is still alive, thank goodness, but she is so terribly unhappy. And filled with rage. I love her. I miss her. She used to be my best friend.

Thanks Jack of Nightmares, for taking the time to read and to respond with such sincerity.

[stilltrucking]

RE: Pissing off the big guy

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is.
Albert Camus

"I have looked at G d from both sides now, but it is only G d's illusion that I know"

Clouds get in my way.

[hester_prynne]

"It's one of those dreary days"...

Teary-eyed, I am compelled to tell you you are not alone in this.
Pain, loss, resignation, despair.
Happiness seems another burden.
Piss on hands outstretched to help me
they always disappear eventually.....

Your daughter will return to you. This is part of the process and if you look really hard you will see a beauty in where she is right now.
You've nothing to feel guilty about....you are not so powerful as to be the cause and or effect of of everything.
It's ONE of those dreary days...not ALL.....

Thank you for sharing this. As I get older and stonier, I don't just stop and cry enough. You provided me a much needed release.

Hugs
H

[happytrails]

Hester, thank you so much for your words of comfort. They are appreciated, but there are things that I have not been able to share here. Things that are too painful to speak about. It is just such a relief to get some of the pain off my chest.

[happytrails]

stilltrucking, I agree. I would rather live as if there is a God, too. I read a story, somewhere, (I don't know where) about a man who lived a life of evil and debauchery; always saying he was an Athiest. At the end, when he was dying, he asked for a priest so he could receive absolution. When asked if this wasn't illogical, he responded; "If I have been right all my life, I have nothing to lose. If, on the other hand I have been wrong, I have everything to gain."

Thanks for reading and replying.