jaded

[creativesoul]

the streets are sweltering heat this evening, as i strutt off to the market to buy cat food for my pregnant calico cat,i think if i walk it will prevent greed, as i cannot carry so much back..there is this building i call mental illness building where there are three guys trying to back up a car, a girl with a bottle of nyquil, with not such terrific skin, she is twirling the edge of her dress in a subliminal sort of way, and there are some dark spirited folks sort of hanging around the base of the skyscraper.this is their building, as I have only seen people like them come in and out., they are like the forgotten people, they do not make very much sense, and so people stopped listening to them. accross the street is this place where if you want to suck you go on one side, if you want to be sucked , you go on the other. my friend the zoo bomber, that is when you put your bike on the max and ride all the way downhill, told me his roomate liked to go there.next door to these sordid type places is a day care center,which is colorful, and closed. I pass by the hair salon, where one of my fellow students works in a cubicle,and she is still mad at me because I forgot my appiontment. i forget alot of things, forget what i wanted at the market so badly, that i had to walk, because if i drive i will lose my parking place.i forget that i am not really who i think i am, or that what i have become is so distant from people.i fondle words in the middle of the night, in two languages now.
i crave a love that will not engulf me, that will look with adoration at the paint on my fingers, and the endless nicoderm patches with sand and frayed bits of tabacco laying in the corners of my studio, on the floor of my car, in the bottom of my purse. I crave a person that i could wrap my arms around and feel tiny just for a second. i look forward to a day when in a room of 200 people i am not the the only one that knows that sigmund freud was the first psycologist in private practice, and in all my efforts to make him wrong, i am still obsessed with my own sexual drive, and my inability to just go get it whenever it is offered.i suppose that all this intellect and reading have destroyed my ability to be like my old friends, just slap happy and goofy, with no concerns about the future, or for that matter, even tommorow. i want to sleep with john irving, the writer, who in his book "until i find you"has made me laugh every night for a week.
im sure that my dorky neighbor is curious just why i am always laughing in the middle of the night, he talks too slow for me, and i just do not have time to listen to an actuary. I asked him what that was, and he told me. couldnt close the door fast enough.
perhaps he wasnt touched enough when he was a small child.
the smiles of the people in the market have to be enough.the cashier, says" have fun with your cat"
i say "she is pregnant" and for today this is enough closeness.i went to the gym this morning and told this very attractive young man with a perfect build what muscles i did not understand how to change thier appearence as of late= he took me on a little tour of the gray machines.so now i am a science project, i eat fat burners, i do not smoke and im in a no carbo prison.no bread no rice no potatoes
because i want what i had, and i have to work to get it. before i fell in love, got destroyed, got depressed, and had poor role models.before comfort, before all those little pet peeves drove me to eating my way through the situation, before i had a friend that ate bowls of ice cream so huge it would scare uncle buck. misery loves company.so now i am starting to love myself again, and im in the "dont take any shit" category.this makes me an american untouchable. i have wonderful sons, and i am lucky that when i look around i havent caught any diseases, or married any idiots, although there were a few times when i thought about it.
the breeze of the night is soft and beguiling, the house where i live loves me.i feel the ghosts from along time ago caring for me in the night.
there used to be a trolley car out front, and a vegetable salesman that had a horse and carriage, portland has alot of little interesting haunts.soon it will be the art walk night in the pearl, and there will be juggling firedancers, and great art to look at, and the beautiful people will come out to play.
someday my paintings will be in those galleries, and my prints worth some money, and that novel, screenplay, well the graduate program is squeezing me like a tube of toothpaste.
introspection, is a delight that many people cannot afford.
just what can i give? it is time for me to find out. studying language, psycology, and writing, the sails are filling with a balmy tradewind.
insisting that i give it a whirl
there is a homeless man that i talked to, that grew up at PSU, and his parents used to teach there, he went to PSU and was a philsophy major, until his friend died suddenly, he dropped out of society, and he is now selling street roots newspapers at PSU which sometimes he gets published in, he s a pretty good writer, actully.he loves the campus he says.a whole lifetime he has spent there.I do not think he is the only one that has done that.

[mtmynd]

interesting write. TY

[hester_prynne]

Creative soul indeed and this is a mighty fine read.
It feels so good reading your stuff.
Glad to see you!

H

[creativesoul]

when the jungle holds you close- you eat what is in the house- because if you leave- the river may rise- and sleeping in a small car is no fun at all- the flood warning was lifted on kauai- just a few moment s ago and i sit here laughing at how i said to the river' you might get my car, but not my bike' i carried into the porch last night at like three- woke up surrounded by water- wondering if i was going surfing on the deep seas in the house- this morning the lightening came in the window and touched me- a healing spirit blessed my tortured friend last night-we come thru water- and if i have to go water works for me- but--- why the visual of the helicopter? climbing up off the roof with my sacred pipe on my back- see the real future in a moment-if this planet crosses us- i will be under water anyway== SMILE- maybe i could stand up paddle? yeah sure....wind surf? dunno...