nicotine junkie

[creativesoul]

i have been quitting smoking since 1985, and i have spent countless dollars on patches, gum, roll yer own tabacco, and lozenges with the name "commit" written all over the package. I would start to feel better and i would rip the patch off and have a cigarette. I would get a reasonable amount of time off them and then I would choose an excuse that suited my need, and smoke because... i broke up with someone, or because i was lonely or because I had great sex. Any reason would do really.
I quit smoking recently because I could not make my lungs breathe in. I have been coughing for about ten days. Recently all my friends that smoked were sort of taken out of my life due to the strange woman with the commune full of indian women that are indebted to her for life.
I cannot be indebted to anyone. It feels like being a slave. I kind of was kicked out I guess, because I wouldnt buck up and take her shit or advice, or whatever she was giving that day.
One of her minons, Sandy, tried to tell me how much she had given me one night.
For about a month I was fantasizing about kicking her ass. how spiritual of me! I am so sick of her vegetarian ass, and her whining about her health, allergies,and her horses, and her incerdible spirituality, that only she can know about,no one understands her when she talks anyway..... because some guy named Crow told her she was a medicine woman, and well that was the last time humility visited her house.There was not alot I could say to her, except that the woman she was trying to make me feel guilty about not speaking to, had my phone number and knew where I lived, and if she wanted to talk to me, she could do it herself.
All of those women were my friends once, but the woman that is the head of the community, told everyone that " a demon jumped off of Rose and landed on me, and that is why we had a arguement"
The fact that they all bought that story makes me feel like I am not really losing friends at all.
So now I have the oppurtunity to make real friends, since the phoney baloney ones I had before are wishy washy wierdos.
And wouldnt ya know it? two old friends from the past, one I have known for 32 years show up, and another I have known for 17 years.
I asked Great Spirit to put people in my life that are good, and kind, and accepting people.
And I do not have to smoke! They all smoked! Kinda bazzare
I mean I used to have gray tape marks with lint stuck on it, from wearing the patch so many days in a row, that it looked like battle scars.We would all go into lodge, and come out and hoover over the ashtray, over looking the river, smoking one after the other, yuk
I guess the thing is, maybe wanting to smoke is more than smoking. Maybe it is a way to disguise the things that make you uncomfortable, that you cannot speak of, or things that suck energy from your life.
But I am still hugging my knees, sweating profusely, wishing that the comfort that i used to get from sucking on a cigarette, could be recieved from countless popsicles.
my tongue is red, purple, green, and i ride my bike at odd hours through the streets of Portland.
I work out at the gym until I cannot hardly turn the steering wheel on my truck-- but I do not have to suck on that cig today
maybe i will live long enough to be a grandma after all.
do i miss the way things used to be? kinda
but not really, because if I have to hurt myself to be around you, then well it isnt really worth it.
i want to learn what really loving myself and others, and feeling their love, feels like
time will tell

[hester_prynne]

Yep, please yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Keep your boundaries.
Your true tribe will come......

"and the ones that love you out of want of something, or wanting to change you or use you, will leave." Kristin Zambucka
You might think you'll be lonely without them.
But you will be anything but.
Mostly, you will be happy.
You will marvel at your inner happiness.
I hear you marveling at it here.

And their unhappiness, will be meaningless to you.
Because you cannot give them their happiness.
Although they may think they rely on it.

I smoke on and off. Smoking full throttle lately.
Good luck with it.
Right now for me, it's something comforting to relish in, here in Gastoria, small suburb of Bushist America.
H