courthouse

[creativesoul]

every night i set up the coffee machine to be a mere push the button in the morning, i wait to smell the coffee, hear the little buzzer, and then when I do I blindly head for my kitchen and fill the cups with cream and sugar, and bring them to bed, I drink myself awake.My engines start to fire up and I begin to do the wake up thing as a process, sometimes my dreams are still undigested awaiting some sort of aknowledgment.
This morning I did this, and did not realise that what I thought was the alarm was really a phone call from a friend that was praying about something for me.I was in a sweat, stomach all upside down and I had asked her to pray about something for me.
Logic does not seem to be a part of my dream state.
I have not been in love like this for a long long time, and in terror I had asked her what is going on, is this real? My system was afraid, afraid that this love would be like any of the others, but more so like the last one.
The last one had been the one that almost put me six feet under, every piece of information I had given him became another way that he could betray me, like claws dragging down the insides of my heart and soul, he clawed and did damage that gave me plenty of time to decide not to love again, or not to ever give that kind of information to anyone ever again. Love is dangerous.
I listened to music by Garbage, "stupid girl" and was cynical and mean about anyone that was experiencing any kind of love, watching sure that they would be in severe pain any minute, because it had happened like that for me see. I found that this bitterness was killing me in many ways.
I prayed about love and partnership in an indian way, about sharing the spirituality that means so much to me. I guess I thought that I was alost cause.
Yesterday, I was really afraid, I was sure that I was mistaken about all of this, that the person I was was safe and secure and why risk what I know for what I do not know?
I was laying on my bed, I had lit a few candles and he comes waltzing in the door looking gorgous, and he kisses me .
I held him like I have never held anyone, and said "I was so worried about you'
Truth is I was not sure I was going to see him again, fear has a way of convincing me that what I think is true.
Turns out he had written me a love letter and read it to me.
I then was made love to in a manner that I must say has not been done before.
So now that I am wide awake, getting ready to drve two hundred miles to a court appearence where I will meet his X wife, and the twin boys fate will be decided, custody.
i want to be a step mother to these boys that are nine. I am older and wiser than when I raised my boys, and certainly more relaxed.I would imagine that most women would rather not share thier homes with two young children, I have nice things that I did not have when I was a mother of young sons.
I was talking to a friend of mine on the park blocks of Portland today and we were talking about everything, she said"You have done your work, you have worked really hard at healing yourself"
"You are a mother, you have a huge heart, and alot of people here do not get it"
"YEs your little wings do get tired, but the bigger picture is what is most important'
I was in the shower and what I heard, not for the first time, is "this is not all about you"
I hear these sort of phrases alot, as detaching from outcomes is part of what I need to do.
With my friend who does great massage, I can tell her about places I go inside, and how when someone does something really strange I find myself giving the dog look, like kind of sideways at them, like what is this interesting behavior about?, guess I will stand back from this.
We laughed
I know that being from this place prevents people with slow and thick livers from understanding what I am talking about.Healing can be fun. But it is not easy. listening to you body and the spirits is a process.The most difficult lesson is listening to the heart. My heart is telling me that this is my soul mate. All that fear was useless, and all my prayers answered. I am in love, and I do not have to go there alone.He loves me! I could scream it from roof tops but maybe that is just too silly, or maybe not!

[lenny]

...But love, sweet love,
she thrills my soul,
for only she amongst the rest
is both the route and goal....

Just a few lines from another old piece of mine that seemed to fit here. Best of wishes to you all, creative soul.

lenny

[creativesoul]

thank you for that!