Gay Noir--as performed in the Cabaradio

[Lightning Rod]

GAY NOIR

an homage to Garrison Keillor and A Fairy Home Companion
by Lrod, Barry Gremillion, Doreen Peri

---------

theme music

Gay – A dark night in the city that doesn't know how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the YMCA building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's penetrating questions...... Gay Noir, Private Eye..... the eye that never blinks. ]

(SFX – PHONE RING)

Gay – Gay Noir here.

Girl – I need to discuss a matter of great importance asap!

Gay – Who is this speaking?

Girl – I’ll fill you in when I see you.

Gay – Okay. I have an appointment with Max the Waxer to get my back waxed this afternoon. Why don't you meet me at the Brokeback Bar on Avenue 69 tonight.

Girl – Fine. I'll be there. I'll be holding a red rose.

Gay – You'll fit right in.____________________________________________

(SFX – Duct tape being ripped – slowly)

Gay – Ouch!! Say, Max, could you do that a little faster?

Max the Waxer – I thought you guys liked pain.

Gay – What do you mean by 'you guys?'

Max – You know. Detectives. I thought you guys were tough, held your hands over candles like G. Gordon Liddy and all that macho stuff.

Gay – Well, I suppose some of us are. But I do undercover work. Gotta be more sensitive.

Max – Just between you and me, Mr Noir, I hear stories. I know a lot about the... ins and outs around here.

Gay – Come again?

Max – If you're a waxer on Capitol Hill, you get a lotta inside information. You know .... inside the thighs, inside the armpits. Don't even get me started on the Brazilian.

Gay – The Brazilian?

Max – By the way I read how the way you took on the Cock Ring!

Gay – Yes, that was a nasty bunch! West Virginia. Cock fights. So Max, give the low down.

(SFX –RIP)

Max – I have this client who is a senator. I wax his eyebrows and he said that he thought that gays should have the right to get married.

Gay - Everybody should have an equal opportunity to be miserable.

Max – Yes, but the problem is…

MUSIC CUE------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(SFX –Ambient bar noise)

Gay – I arrived early at the Brokeback Bar down on Avenue 69. Antoine, the bartender, was so queer that if you asked him to make change for a nine dollar bill he would give you back three threes.

Antoine – Your usual, Mr. Noir?

Gay – Yes, Antoine, a Virgitini with a goat-cheese-and-herb-stuffed olive, shaken not stirred.

(SFX –Ice, a drink shaker)

Antoine – Here you go Mr. Noir.

Gay – Thank you , Antoine.

SFX –takes a sip

Gay - This is so good that I think I'm going to take you down to Cox's and buy you a Seersucker suit.

Antoine – I would rather you took me to Sears and bought me a Cocksucker suit. Did you see the news today, Mr. Noir?

Gay – No, I've been waxing.

Antoine – The Gay Marriage Amendment is up for a vote in the Senate and they are one vote away from passing it.

Gay – Is this the Pro-Gay Marriage Amendment, Antoine, or the Anti-Gay Marriage Amendment?

Antoine – They call it the Protection of Marriage Amendment. The one that says that marriage should be only between a man and a woman.

Gay – Well, that's just nonsense! How many people do you know that are married to their JOBS? And what are you going to do about nuns? They're married to the Church aren't they? And how about the Mormons who think that marriage is between a man and a woman....and a woman......and another woman? What are these people thinking?

Antoine – I don't know what they're thinking, Mr. Noir, but if Senator Tryst votes for the Protection of Marriage Amendment, Reggie and I will have to move to another country .......... like California.

_______________________________________________

Butch - The Girl Theme

Gay – And then SHE walked in holding a single red rose. She was wearing a short black skirt that was so tight I could read designer label. It was a Lewinski.

Girl – Good evening. Mr. Noir? How was your wax job?

Gay – Would you like to feel it?

Girl – Why Mr. Noir, I thought you were…

Gay – Oh, no that’s my name. My full name is Gaylord Noiredesqueu but that's too hard to say so I shortened it. And you would be.

Girl – Just think of me as a friend of "The Cause."

Gay – What cause are you talking about?

Girl – The Protection of Marriage Amendment.

Gay – Yes, I've heard of it.

Girl – Well, I have this friend.

Gay – Friend?

Girl– Yes, a friend in the Senate, Senator Tryst. We....... we... well we..ummm... meet... from time to time.

Gay – Do you know if he gets his eyebrows waxed?

Girl – Yes, as a matter of fact, he does. And he also gets... the Brazilian.

Gay—TMI, sweetheart. Too much information.

Girl—Sorry. But you asked.

Gay— OK. Now. What did you want to talk about?

Girl—Mr. Noir. What I’m trying to tell you is… Senator Tryst is the swing vote on the Protection of Marriage Amendment..

Gay – That would be the swinger vote.

Girl – Yes. That's what I'm trying to tell you... he swings both ways.

Gay – You mean Republican and Democrat?

Girl – No, Mr. Noir I mean he swings both ways.

Gay – I see.

Girl – I know a certain... person .... who meets with Senator Tryst on a weekly basis at the Watergate Hotel.

Gay – Tell me more.

Girl – Well, I have a suitcase full of blue dresses and a box of bent cigars, but my... friend has a used Brazilian waxing strip.

Gay – Forensics. Hair samples. Good. I think I can help you out here. Let me make a phone call.

_________________________________________________

(SFX – phone rings)

Tryst – Yaaaalllow., this is Senator Tryst.

Gay – Gaylord Noir here, Senator.

Tryst – Yes, Mr. Noir. By the way, I admired the way you handled the Cock Ring case! You pulled it off like a pro!

Gay – Well, it was a matter of conviction, Mr. Senator. I never could abide standing by and doing nothing while someone's choking the chicken.

Tryst – I know, I feel exactly the same way.

Gay – That brings me to the subject of this call, Senator ..... you are the swinging vote?

Tryst – Yes. That's correct.

Gay – Senator, one of my confidential informants has a suitcase full of blue dresses, and a box of bent cigars.

Tryst –Are you trying to pressure me, Mr. Noir?

Gay –Does 'Brazilian" ring a bell with you?

Tryst – Ah....Er.... Ummm... Yes, Mr. Noir, Thank you for your call. I'll take this under advisement.(organ gliss)

Gay – And we all know what happened – The Protection of Marriage Amendment failed by only one vote and that's the way things are in my hometown, the city that can't keep its secrets, Washington DC ....Where all the lobbyists are strong and all the politicians are puerile and the pay is WAAAAY above average.

(Theme Out)

[stilltrucking]

Funny
I still think it is funny
thanks for posting it LR

"I want to marry my novels and raise lots of short stories." JK from memory

[Lucy!]

I got such a kick performing it on Saturday night, fun times!

[mnaz]

This is perfect.... the pace is perfect. Keillor, the storyteller, would be proud. I heard his voice reading every word. Well done.... and thanks.