grammar of love

[jweeble]

Ode to the piece "punctuation" which kept going round and round in my mind until this finally popped out. Not what I was wanting out of it - so if you have ideas ... please express.

tears punctuate me
dividing thoughts and minds
commas that space out
the words being expressed

A long pause: follows
a epiphany separating what was
and what will be

Sharp words! Retorts!
Slicing deliberately to hurt and maim
like the knife it resembles

-- between us

leaving out ... years

the word love
struck through in my heart.

End of sentence. Erase.

[mtmynd]

i like the way the write is framed... the delicate placement of your chosen words... the arrangement of sounds as if there is (and should be!) a delightful musicality to the whole piece.

... and then - wham! you come out and say :

"Sharp words! Retorts!
Slicing deliberately to hurt and maim
like the knife it resembles

-- between us

leaving out ... years "

...still maintaining the rhythm, that continuum of the poem,
but these exclamations, like screams... the knife revealed
and the strong word 'slicing' emphasizing the words that
follow : deliberately to hurt and maim yes! in red!
perhaps even a dark, bold red for bloody emphatic necessity short of
overblown anger...

and then your finale -

"the word love
struck through in my heart."

follwed by the ''walk off stage -
End of sentence.

((and allow me to lower the case here))

Erase.

Yes! definitely!! period. no pause... simply : period. end. final.

You composed this in an admirable way, jweeble... strong but delicate. powerful but yet gentle. keep up the originality. it feels as dramatic as it looks and speaks as dramatically as it intends... punctuation indeed!!

Thank you,
cecil