Ring Side Seat (editorial comments added)

[Lightning Rod]

ok, maybe I should reconsider
as I reread your title "ringside seat"
this implies observation rather than participation
and in that sense it is quite effective

[goldenmyst]

Emel, your creative and raw descriptions are vivid and linger in the mind's eye. This gives one a glimpse into your world.

John

[Lightning Rod]

"Chest hair wet, laughter, gasping"

let's take this line for instance, emel

suppose you said:

'His chest hair laughed while gasping wet'

it has more rhythm and it is active

I'm not trying to rewrite your poem

but this is an example of what I'm talking about passive/active

the active draws you in

I don't write the rules of poetry, so don't take me too seriously

I just try to observe what works

but, my observation is that active is more compelling than passive
brevity works better than verbosity
ideas work better than floral descriptions

I just go with what works.

[emel.scott]

I see your points Rod and will try to apply them in future writing
in this particular case the action was fast and I was just sketching
as quickly as I could type (which is slow) with gestures.
(his) chest hair wet, (both of them) laughing,(her) gasping
like a lot of poems I read, where eyes dart around a scene and give an eclectic description of a viewpoint.

My current goal is to try and backfill some greater knowledge of the mechanics of good poetry, grammar, literature. etc. that has escaped me during my mispent...youth....errr....make that life. So maybe, when I become spontaneous in the future I will automatically make decisions that result in better poetry

Thanks again for all your help,
Scott

[Lightning Rod]

thank you for calling what I say 'help'

I have been accused of being a teacher

when anybody asks me what I teach

I say

Bad Habits