Hiya Mousey
"Okay, please let her rip....any advise or suggestions would be greatly and muchly appreciated I assure you. "
Oh oh, be careful what'cha wish for
Okay here goes nutt'n.
"Drugs
Robbers of innocence
Fogging the mind of otherwise brilliance
Sweet poet lost
Eloquence run amok"
I found the general tone of this poem was kinda preachy and too laid out...for example. You need go no further to explain the theme then the second line...you laid it out too blatantly in my opinion. Consider chopping away some of the obvious viewpoints and describe to the reader why, instead of just telling them. It's usually more interesting to tell a story of a violent man falling victim to his life's choices then it is to simply state, violence begets violence, or violence is bad. In this section, I would consider removing the second line and perhaps "run" in the fifth line - amok usually refers to a situation running astray so it might be a redundant word to describe amok...or you could rework it the whole section...don't take this rewrite literally and I hope you won't be offended, but just to help illustrate a point, I'd like to fiddle with some of the words...
"Innocent drugs
fog the mind of brilliance
Sweet poet lost in
Eloquence amok"
By taking out the second line you stick more closely to the effects of drugs rather than perhaps a moral statement as in line two, thereby allowing the reader to form an opinion of why drugs may be bad instead of you simply stating why you think so....what I'm getting at is show why drugs steals innocence rather than just state, drugs are the robbers of innocence.
"Nonsensical gibberish that sounds music
To the ears of blurred, slurred friends
Great author
Wanting only to stretch the mind
With the great experience
Of mind-altering drugs"
I liked the first two lines but then it kinda goes flat. I think its because you chose to repeat "great" twice in three sentences and then use "mind" and "drugs" - which was used in the first few lines. Almost like saying the same thing with the last four lines of this section, as you did with the opening. Perhaps consider condensing the the first ten lines or so into one central thought rather than two thoughts that are very similar. Also perhaps "that" in the first line could be chopped and change "music" to "musical" maybe smoothing out the heavy stresses of that line by reducing the length....NoSeNSiCAL GiBBeriSH thAT SounDS muSIC
"Where are your epics
Your stories yet untold
I see only your wordless, blank stare
Great teacher
Teaching nothing
Learning nothing
Giving nothing
Just your own precious life to the grave "
I kinda liked this section, though I would suggest tightening up the wording a bit and also consider a different word for "great", very noticeable the number of times used in the poem..Also, consider rewording the last sentence, "just your own" is apparent so perhaps a more subtle line with the same meaning could be substituted...As far as the repetition of "teacher - teaching" goes, I think it worked for this section...here's an example...
"Where are your epics
Your stories untold?
I see only wordless, blank stares
mighty teacher -
teaching,
learning,
giving -
nothing
but precious life to a grave."
"Leader King
Who reigns in the alley
Silver spoon, silver tip, silver-tongued devil
Who utters not a word in defense"
Again, pretty good section in my opinion, really liked the silver spoon - silver tip - silver tongued part...has excellent double meanings in this poem and thought it was a smart choice...however, I felt you could possibly tighten the wording and slip in an extra line break or two to keep the meter more steady...for example:
"Our leader
King of the alley
Silver spoon, silver tip,
silver-tongue devil
who utters not
a word in defense"
"Mother, wife, lover, friend
Huddled alone
Seeking relief, the bottled kind
Or smoke, or huff, or mainline
A trip to oblivion for awhile "
Personally, I thought the poem could live without this section, or perhaps solely focus and develop the last line. Or maybe just chop out all those lines except for the last one and then leave it as a line on its own, giving space between two sections as a dramatic statement of being in oblivion away from everything else:
"Then hit the ground
And off to the corner for more
Wake up
Wake up to your reality "
I liked the first two lines but the next two were too blantent of a statement in my opinion.
"Clear your mind
You have a gift, use it
You have a skill, contribute
Show the world
Show yourself
Who you are"
Personally, this ending is way to preachy...not meant in a harsh way - but is this a sermon or a poem, are you a poet or a priest?
Personally I would have preferred if you either directed the reader back metaphorically to drugs to summerize the poem or perhaps just ended it with "wake up to reality"...for example:
"Then hit the ground
And off to the corner for more
Wake up to your reality
Wake up to -
every letter
of the alphabet
swims the stream
in your arm."
---Or something similar juxtaposing what's important to a writer vs. what's important to a junkie and how the two fit inside one life to show the reader of the plight, rather than telling them or preaching to them.
But of course all of this is just my opinion and should be taken with a grain of salt...hope none of it came off as harsh, but I'm a big believer in honest opinions, I think its a great way to use feedback in a positive way. Also I hope you didn't mind me tinkering with your wording, none of it should be taken as a literal suggestion for change but rather was trying to give examples to the ideas I presented.
Anyways, hope some of my thoughts helped out - if not, tough shit, that was my A-game...lol
Thanks for read, take care,
Trev
