Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

normally, at least what i perceive as normal is some kind of family happiness where all the blood related somehow come together and share some kind of love that i have tried to create many times and have felt disillusioned and confused about this love thing, what does it mean? too many have passed with dead trees and frolic like dixies and fairy tales manufactured by desires of grandmothers and grandfathers seeking to give something to their progeny,some tradition, some underlying morality.
I sit here empty, I spent money and bought gifts thinking that they would mean something, and somehow the meaning was drown in a river that recently flooded some local communities, i envy people that have experiences filled with large families and goblets of wine and lots to laugh about,who am I am I lost?
there is no one to sit and have wine with they are all dead. I am the older generation now. my children love me, will I ever love me? will i continue to oppress myself the way other people have? what should I do? Should I look for a job fearing rejection? what should ?I say to my husband that just seems like he does not realize how I am slipping away. the other other world talks to me, i talk in my sleep about commitment. i honestly believe I am am talking to someone that is there, just before i fall asleep.
i am fading somehow

I have found myself calling out for my father just before I fall asleep, Not sure if I mean my dad or God. I finally figured out how to mourn for him and I seem less depressed the past couple of years. For many years he was far from me in death. But my mother has been close since she died over twenty years ago. I sometimes call out to her too. Usually that happenns just before I fade off to sleep. I tell you CS long haul truckers got a PHd in sleepology. It is another world, a strange spooky state to be on the edge of sleep. Just speaking from my experience. I hope Christmas this year is going to be a low key affair for my family, I usually spend it at my brothers house and his wife is in her 80's now, I hope she don't do too much. So far I am only thinking about giving two gifts.

Thanks for writting
Looking for a job is a job.
Good luck.

i have four children. I love them all. I have stockings to fill with eggs that when you throw them they slide down the window. my biggest thrill is the twins. my other children are 26 and 24. they are busy but exremely loving, so is my mate. i cry though for a cleansing of all the things I wish I had done, and am dfoing now. There are many people right here in America that are just living day by day, I heard once from a guy about :canning" thinking it was like the kind grandmothers do.. and found out it is when you search for cans in the garbage and get the money for them. I wish that i could help people but I found myself fired. I cried, i cried for the kids i bonded with and actully did help.
i got a fish tank. i have three oscars, 3 snakes and a lizard that make mankind not seem so desperate, my cats have accepted the new kitten although he is trying to keep it a secret.
I am afraid to look for a job right now. I wish I could pull myself back up, and not care, but I do I could call friends - i could love my husband like never before,but it may be awhile for the depression to go away.we get the kids this christmas which is lucky as they are shared children and i miss them alot when they are not here.

I have no shame for my fears
This probably does not relate
But my fears have made me a safer driver.


Writing is still some kind of magic to me.
Thanks for writing
I wish you and your family the best of this season.
Do you know anything about Potlach celebrations
sometimes that is what Christmas reminds me of, but not sure of the season for the Potlatch.