humility-love and saints

[creativesoul]

christmas is over, today we plant the christmas tree in good ole mother earth. i cannot see the morning star but the snow on my head yesterday was so beautiful! my friend and part saint, my pertner s mother is on oxogen has been at our house the other night- she asked me to read to her after she fell out of bed. since it is only six inches to the floor , no harm came to the white haired woman that glows as she comes closer to the spirit world and farther away from us, she asked me to read her the big book from alcoholics anoymous. she has ben sober 43 years. she got all blissed out and i slept with her the rest of the night.After we took her back to the nursing home and I think she was relieved. I nicknamed myself "the sloppy nurse" because I spilled coffee on one of the twins head, and I am not not great at changing briefs. I thought those wipes were to cold and I got hot water and washed her. she said"that is better" but for the most part I fed her spaghetti and got her shirt all messy. we were laughing at how terrible of a nurse I was. She is beautiful, and so kind. her heart is huge and filled up the whole house.she has the same name as my grandma. I couldnt take very good care of her either but we did laugh and she told me stories I never would have learned since she has passed because maybe she told those stories a millon times, maybe not. I just know my grandma used to play the piano and at one piont, she got a player piano and danced around the living room in high heels at 92.
The grandma that I was honored to care for on christmas was having more physical problems, my granny had alzhiemers, and at one piont, she just was not in that body anymore.I miss her terribly, but I can feel her right now. My friend is a fiddler, and knows all the song my grandma used to sing. the grandma I just cared for was an opera singer, and know all the words to every song on the radio.I sang rudolf the red nosed reindeer with her once. The radio is her savior as she is blind from diabetes, and did not want to tell anyone because she kept having hit and run accidents and the douglas county police kept coming to her door, her son was wondering what was going on, and well she kept shooting herself up with too much insulin and it was because she did not want anyone to know she could not see, she would put herself into a coma.I guess she sees me, and has a new kind of vision for this planet, because she looks right at me sometimes and I can feel her.
My cousin just passed on his harley, had an accident. the guy in front of him did not have any tail lights.I give him coffee and cigarettes and light candles for him.Truth is this life is not all about me.
I have been fortunate to have good health, to sundance, to laugh, to cry. to go on the hill and pray for the people. I have been able to walk and talk and have the father of my beautiful sons, now young men support me no matter what.
i had a job there for a while but I got fired. I just could not be mean to those kids.I would laugh when they did strange things and they would laugh with me too. I never had one of them freak out when they were in my care, I never had to put one in a "hold."I never took pionts off. I just think that the mental health system sucks and that is that. Some people I know and love call them the forgotten people.I know that they know that I loved them even if I would not smuggle them some porn. geez they are kids in puberty, of corse they want porn. are you fucking nut? if they did not they would be completely abnormal.One lid would see a girl and like a magnet he could not even walk straight or think clearly. he would saunter towards the girl as the world no longer existed.I remember that like it was yesterday.I had my braces taken off and ate acid , had sex all on my very first date.it was a chevy impala, light blue and I saw angels all night long. Now I still seen them, and colors like the color of my cousins soul was purple.I suppose I should look at the bills piled up but I just do not think that a credit score and no money add up to anything at all.I hope that my body and mind stay strong enough so that I can stay around and help other people, even if I am a sloppy nurse. One of the twin boys that I got thru love and entrusted to me on this day asked me" you laugh at your own self?"i said yeah I do.I roll my own cigs now. still american spirit black. I know that it is sacred medicine from my people no matter what robin willams says about it.I am alive. How do I know that I am alive?
I think so although when I get lost driving around Portland I wonder. Sometimes when I push the safe way electronic machines that say cash back, yeah sure, i want it. ha ha ha but I cannot make an impression on those machines. The checkers at the market taught me to use that little pencil thing. I wonder if I am a glich in the matrix a friend of mine used to say.Sometimes when you love people you cannot let them know you love them because they think that kindness is weakness.Is it now, I do not think so. I have to make an effort to be kind.My mother called me drunk on christmas eve to ask me about getting fired and and my career is so important and she was concerned. I know that I just wanted to experience warm and fuzzy feelings so I told her so, in no uncertain terms that I did not want to talk about it right now and that I just wanted to feel the love, happy christmas. she was angry. I had to hang up on her. she is one of those people that I have to make an effort to be kind to, because I do not think she likes me at all.I never have. I played it that every time mom would roar I went to daddy. It is still the same 45 years later, a little more a little less.Just cannot get that one right.She does not know who I am, how I feel. I was one that had to follow my heart. She wanted me to use my head. I guess that is what mom and daughters have the most problems.My son came over yesterday with his beautiful girlfriend who I love and adore as much as he does, and as his choices will always be respected, I love him so much! Wow did I have any humilty when I was a mother? yeah some, but I was a sloppy nurse and I wanted rolex and armani and was so selfish.I never knew anything about nothing.I know that rolex came in handy when my oldest son ran away to the warp tour, i hocked it for a thousand dollars and caught him coming out of the mosh pit so I could ask him to please come home, that I was sorry for my latest blunder, which I cannot remember now.
It was in Honolulu and we lived on Kauai.I will never forget being a mother in Hawaii, it was like having the godess Pele surrounding us, and the legends and stories of the ancient hawaiians are alot like many culture, seven generations forward, and seven generations backwards.I am so happy that there ever was a Jesus. a buddah, a bahaula, allah, that anyone = any saint, prem rawatt the knowledge
master at age three yrs old was talking to crowds.At 17 I had to hitchike to Denver to recieve knowledge. I worked t a resturant in Lake Tahoe and the people at the resturant were all premies, and I wanted that thing. what was it? gotta get some if you do not have any. those mediataion technigues still work, I am just lazy.
I am going to breakfast with my son and my twins with my sons girlfriend s dad, what an amazing life.
accptance, love and saints. roll your own.