Page 1 of 1
That's close to the bone
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 4:17 pm
by hester_prynne
Vibe rations,
are distributed
once a year.
Leaves bow out,
trees undress in a hum.
That's close to the bone.
Dark shadows
dot haunted mornings
at busstops.
Fall's a burlesque show,
to we believers.
That's close to the bone.
Hyroglyphs
appear on your canvas
like graffiti.
Sharp comments,
cheers of despair.
That's close to the bone.
Posted: November 8th, 2009, 10:29 pm
by goldenmyst
Hester, the connotations are blooming here. Seasonal poetry at its finest.
John
Posted: November 9th, 2009, 9:02 pm
by mb
oh, I believe...
cleverishly done and no less than this season deserves (it is the best of all times,sez me)
-mb
Posted: November 9th, 2009, 10:19 pm
by Barry
I like the piece quite a lot, but if I may offer a critique?
Drop the repeated line until the last stanza.
Just my suggestion/opinion is all.
Peace,
Barry
Posted: November 10th, 2009, 1:46 am
by K&D
Fall is a burlesque show isn't it!
ah I love your writting too. Just finished commenting on Perdida's and I just want to say that your work and her work i really look up to. I think you are talented. in that way that "talented" people don't get you know...true to something ineffable!
Posted: November 10th, 2009, 3:37 pm
by Perdida
Vibe rations,
are distributed
once a year.
Leaves bow out,
trees undress in a hum.
Dark shadows
dot haunted mornings
at busstops.
Fall's a burlesque show,
to we believers.
Oh man, i would've loved this at the "Table" for our Fall Retreat Word Jam.
You've got it babe, love your work.
trees undress in a hum
damn i love that!
Posted: November 12th, 2009, 11:48 am
by hester_prynne
I want to thank you all for your comments so much. And Barry your suggestion is well taken, I agree the line could be dropped to the end. It just sort a kept coming up....with different intonations each time.
Again thanks for reading me....appreciate your feedbacks more than you know.
H
