just be happy with existing, the sagacious one says

[GodModule]

I sat back and looked at what I had written with satisfaction. It was a good description of what I wanted. And it had just the tone I was going for: a man who knew what he was looking for, but not to the point of being pushy.
“Sidney, come read this. Tell me how it sounds. Give me a female point of view on this.”
Sidney was sitting on my couch playing Call of Duty. Reluctantly, she got up to help.
“Let's see what we have here,” she sighed, and then began reading aloud. “My name is Keith. I'm a freelance graphic designer with dreams of starting my own company. I'm looking for a girl who's smart, pretty, and different. I want a girl who likes Tim Burton movies and Japanese horror films. I want a girl who doesn't care for TV and doesn't want to dress like the girls on “insert-pointless-reality-show-here.” I want a girl who doesn't care for diamonds but who likes piercings and tattoos. I want a girl who likes Nine Inch Nails AND Peter Tosh...”
She stopped reading and gave me a woeful look.
“Keith, this is sick.”
“What?” I was genuinely taken aback.
“Basically what you're saying is that you want a girl who's Cass.”
“What are you talking about? That's not true at all.”
“Tim Burton? Japanese horror? Nine Inch Nails AND Peter Tosh? Christ, you might as well say 'also, please drive a silver Camry, be from Duluth, Minnesota, and have the initials CKW.'”
I shrugged my shoulders, “Sure, I'd like a girl who's like Cassie. We had a great relationship. What's wrong with that?”
“There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that...you guys broke up like almost a year ago. And you gotta accept the fact that no two people are alike. If you keep holding out for this dream girl that likes all the same things that Cassie likes, and thinks all the same things that Cassie thinks, well...you're gonna be disappointed. That's all I'm saying.”
I smiled wanly. Dear Sidney. Maybe the best friend I had. I could always count on her to give me a bullshit-free opinion.
“Thanks,” and I pat her on the shoulder.

*****

“Andrea? Nice to finally meet you. You look lovely.”
“ON-drea.”
“Huh?”
“It's actually pronounced ON-drea. Not AN-drea.”
“Oh.”
We went to dinner. I made up an excuse about having to be up early in the morning. I walked her back to her door and shook her hand.

*****

Jenna and I met at Starbucks to have coffee. She was a beautiful girl, and she had a lot going for her. She was working on her Masters at UC Davis. She was involved in many, many charitable causes. She drove a Prius which got “about forty miles to the gallon.” Her dream was to go to the Middle East and do something or other with disadvantaged children. It was all very noble stuff.
About an hour into the date: “So what do you do again?”
“I'm, uh, a graphic designer.”
“Oh, that's gotta be interesting! I had a friend who used to do that. Now he owns a record store. Isn't that funny? He's gonna help me design fliers for this campaign we're doing to...”

*****

“I can't take this. I know I can't have Cassie, but why can't I just meet someone who's not annoying and not full of herself? I don't get it.”
Sidney gave me the look. It was the look she always gave me whenever I asked a question that she thought had a really obvious answer. Sort of a listless, yet confused, look.
“God, you such a sissy sometimes.”
“What?”
“Why can't you just be happy with existing? You're always whining about something. You can't find a girl, or you're not getting enough work, or your mom won't stop calling. Why can't you just shut the fuck up and be content with what you have?”
She was right, but I didn't want to admit it just yet. “Because I'm lonely, Sid. I can't fucking stand sleeping by myself. Especially after what Cass and I had. I go to sleep hugging my pillow because I like sleeping with my arm around something, then I dream of her, and I wake up holding my pillow and there's a split second when I think it's her and I get pissed the fuck off and I throw the damn pillow at the wall and I can't sleep for the rest of the night. It's not healthy.”
“Well, that's a bitch. It really is. But I can tell you one thing for sure: trying to force something to happen just because you're lonely isn't going to make things better.”
I tried to think of something to say, but no words came to me.
“Okay, maybe this'll put things in perspective: how long were you and Cassie friends before you finally got together?”
“Two years.”
“Uh-huh. And did you spend those two years trying to force her into a relationship? Or were you just friends?”
“Just friends. I didn't think of her as a “girl” until our very first date. And then I knew I was in love with her.”
“Exactly.”
“So what are you saying? I have to wait a few more years, build up a friendship with a girl, then ask her out?”
“All I'm saying is just go with the flow. In love, in life, in everything. Que sera, sera, you know?”
I always found it be an annoying fact of life that the simplest, most disappointing answer was usually the right one.

*****

I woke up in a cold sweat once again. This time it was that dream that used to be my favorite. Cass and I on our wedding day. Both of our families watching as we exchanged our vows. Looking into each others eyes.
Sidney was right. I was sick for still being hung up on this. But what could I do? You can say you're over something, and you can do things that make it look like you're over it, but when you go to sleep at night, your dreams will show you whether you've moved on or not.
It was 3:30 in the morning. I'd be up for the rest of the night. I picked up the phone and dialed a number I knew by heart.
“What's up?” her voice was groggy and a tad irritated but not upset. No matter what I did, she never got upset with me anymore.
“Can't sleep. Needed someone to talk to.”
“Glad you chose me. Maybe you should make some friends in Europe so that next time you need someone to talk to at 3:30 in the morning, they'll be bright and awake.”
I laughed. Then I sighed. “Sidney, maybe we should be together.”
“We were. You were an asshole.”
“I know, but that was years ago.”
“Is this because of what I said to you the other day?”
“No. Maybe. I don't know.”
There was a long pause. “Well, I won't rule out the possibility that maybe someday something will happen again between us. But it sure as hell won't be now. At 3:30 in the fuckin' morning.”
“That's fine. Well, would do me one favor at least?”
“Anything, if you promise to hang up and not call back for at least ten hours as soon I as I do it.”
“Would you maybe come over and cuddle with me?”
“What?”
“You know...like I said, I like to have my arm around something when I sleep.”
“You're not getting in my pants, if that's what you're up to.”
“I know.”
She groaned. “If we're ever going to be together again, you have to promise to stop being so Goddamned needy.”
“Pinky swear.”
“Cute.”

*****

We didn't have sex, and we didn't make any plans to rekindle our long-burnt out romance. But I slept better that night than I had in a year. And though I wouldn't know for certain until the next night, the flow of things told me that she wouldn't mind spending another night or two like this.

[hester_prynne]

You got me curious!
Really well written, good flow and natural tone.
Lookin forward to the next installment.
H

[judih]

publishable. teen magazine - girls would love it. This is a compliment! go for it.

[GodModule]

Thank you for the comments, H & J. I really appreciate the feedback. This a much cleaner, more optimistic piece than I'm used to writing. Glad you liked it.

[mtmynd]

a convincing conversation that hooked me in.

well done, gm

[zero_hero]

I want the girl with the vagina made of glass
who digs movies like The American Astronaut



don't mind me I am a dirty old man

I enjoy reading you
thanks for writing