Bobby Petrie 1944-1972 A final good-bye

[happytrails]

he abused me from the beginning
when we were only ten years old.
pulling my hair, calling me names
hurting me in every way he could.
he'd lay in wait and jump out at me;
steal my lunch, wreck my books,
tear my clothes, and spit in my face
and make fun of how i looked.
he hated me from day one
and i never understood the reason why
he didn't even know me.
how could he hate me so passionately
what had i ever done?
the abuse went on for many years
he never stopped, and neither did i
he had fun and i cried.
as we got older, he altered the form.
the abuse became more subtle
more verbal, less physical,
and somehow, scarier.
ten years went by, no let up from him
fifteen years and still he hated me
and still, he never said why.
and strangest of all, I never asked

late in the evening on august thirty first
nineteen seventy two, he came to my door.
he wanted to talk to me and for the first time
i finally asked him "what for?"
he said he wanted to apologize
for all those years gone by
i told him it was far too late
and his apologies after eighteen years
couldn't help negate
all the pain and humiliation he had inflicted.
i saw him cry, then. that was new.
so i stepped out on the front step and said
"so talk" and he did until after two.
it was a long and rambling
mostly nonsensical
stream of illogical thinking
which in the end, all boiled down to
he liked me.
he wasn't good enough for me.
i would reject him.
for that i deserved to be punished.
this was a classic self fulfilling prophesy.
of course i didn't like him.
he hurt me and made me cry.

i never saw him again.
he died the next night
in the fire at the "Blue Bird Café"
September 1, 1972, Bobby Petrie
and his brother Joel went out
to celebrate Joel's coming of age.
some young rowdies were asked to leave
they left but came back
but they weren't empty handed.
they'd brought a few toys
these naughty, bad boys.
molotov cocktails and cigarette lighters
to show them who's boss
they took those molotov cocktails
and through the front door they were tossed
thirty seven people died in the fire that night
because three young men
were asked to leave, when they started a fight
why did Bobby come to me day before?
what made him choose
that time to make amends?
did he somehow know
that his life was about to end?
R.I.P Bobby and Joel Petrie.
The time has finally come for me to let go.


I just realized, the man has now been dead almost exactly as long as he was alive. About 28 years.

[joel]

Seems like finally, a good-bye. This is powerful. Peace be yours as much - and in ways very different - as it is theirs.

[happytrails]

Thanks Joel. I do have peace. And I just redid the math today. Bobby has been dead 10 years longer than he lived, and Joel has been dead twice as long as he lived. I am sorry that they lost their lives. But truthfully, I never mourned. Just because Bobby apologized to me the night before he died, did not take away the years of pain. And while I was sorry about his brother, I never really knew him. The one I felt worst for was their mother. She lost her only two sons. She had ten children and only two were boys. Not that I think she would have felt the loss any less if it had been two of her daughters, instead.

[SmileGRL]

i think we get a feeling when it's our time. time and again i've seen (or heard) people try to make amends, recognize their blessings out loud or give a last piece of advice to a loved one just days or hours before they die. i think it's the universes compassionate way of giving us a last chance to do good/make peace/spread love. it's quite possibly our wisest moments (even though we do not necessarily always have the ability to do it in ways others can comprehend).

your story is touching and so very human. fears turned into years of hurt. spiritual contracts played out in the earthly realm.

i've lived with years of abuse too. i've studied psychology, been a social worker and battled depression. and always it haunted me why people hurt each other so much and when is enough enough. then earlier this year a friend recommended i listen to an audio book of caroline myss called "sacred contracts." in short it's about how souls make contracts (destiny) with each other before we are born (in the spiritual realm) to love or hurt each other in order for each soul to grow...how some people have little pieces of our souls and we can only take it back and feel more whole by recognizing that we don't need whatever it is we've always wanted from that soul that they can't give us (if you think back...the moment that he said he was sorry and you realized you didn't need it after all, you felt stronger,yes?). i have come to understand that the people who hurt us the most here on earth are the souls that love us the most, that are willing to be the bad guys so that our souls may have our experiences and expand, that pushes us to learn the spiritual lessons we are here to learn. knowing that makes it a lot easier for me to forgive those who've hurt me...to find understanding and compassion in my heart and be able to live without some of the pain that inevitably comes with judgment and unmet expectations.

right now i've more or less made peace with the fact that people have and will hurt me and it's for my own good. right now my battle is with god, i guess...i'm judging the universe as unfair for throwing us into life so vulnerable and blind and unprepared. and yet, how else will we learn and experience? right now i'm starting to understand the power of karma and fearing it more than i've ever feared hell or dying. but these are my battles and for some reason i felt it important to share. (now it's my turn to apologize for rambling.)

in short...we do not always get answers for why some people hurt us so badly. there is a bigger purpose behind it that we might not ever understand but is internalized somehow, if not by us individually, then by the collective (world) soul. in spiritual form is the only way we can see the bigger picture with compassion and not fear, but in human form is the only way we can experience life and do our little parts however small or insignificant they may seem.

ramble ramble...

[happytrails]

So, you don't believe that some people are just born evis? (I am not speaking of Bobby Petrie, here) I am speaking of people who do evil. Not kids who bully for whatever their reasons are. I am talking about people who rape and murder babies. And other heinous things. I am sorry, this is not the forum for my rage, but there are just some things I think are not in God's plan at all.

[SmileGRL]

i believe in balance. everything in relation to something else. you can't experience relief if you haven't experienced pain or anxiety. you can't fully appreciate calm if you haven't experienced chaos, or love without knowing loneliness. you need both ends of the spectrum for either to exist. same with good and evil. it balances the scale. the universe cannot exist without it.

whether some people are born evil (eg. psychopaths) or become evil as a result of abuse, i believe it is all part of the big life experience and part of the big plan. god weaves every thread of the bigger picture. nothing is coincidence.

though i do NOT condone violence or hurting (in any way) and it doesn't take away any of the trauma and hurt...being a victim of violence could (a) be part of your karma (maybe from a previous life...maybe the victim use to be the violator), or (b) the trauma you needed to become the person you were supposed to be. for example a previous work colleague of mine was shot in the back in a robbery when he was fresh out of school (at that stage he was an arrogant young wrestling champ who thought he was invincible and too cool [his words]). it left him paralyzed. the world as he knew it ended. today, he is a pastor and motivational speaker touching the lives of lots of people, a direction he would never have chosen if that didn't happen to him.

in her audio book caroline myss explains that our characteristics, our physical and psychological states, our traumas and the human souls we are attracted and contracted to, are all tools that push us in certain directions so that we may experience life and learn what our souls came here to learn. we are given the framework and it's up to us to use our free will constructively and choose to make the best of it.

again, i am not condoning any kind of violence or abuse. but it is part of life and whatever's part of life, is part of god. in human form we can never understand the bigger picture because we're not supposed to (just like we are bound to time in a linear way). and we cannot fathom the painful stuff because of the fear and the survival and protective instincts built into our human minds. i guess it's all part of "if i knew all the answers, why would i go on the journey"

if i upset you with any of this, i apologize. i understand that we are all physically, spiritually and emotionally in a different place and that's okay, because we are all exactly where we are supposed to be. and sometimes different ideas are stirred into the pot to make us think.

[SmileGRL]

here's another thought i just had:


nothing can exist without god

god is everything

everything is god


...some movies end where the screen collapses into a black background with one white line that becomes a blip (or a dot). that's how i see the world (and everything in it) in relation to god.

[jim turner]

Enjoyed it again, and still glad you got loose. A pleasure to meet you here with another name. But, then, call a rose whatever you will.... jim

[happytrails]

Hi Jim, I am here with a different name because I am traveling incognito. Shhhhhh!! Dark glasses, big nose, false mustache. The whole nine yards. Actually, I don't know why I chose a different name.

[stilltrucking]

I was born an innocent and trusting child
just like all the men on death row

Must have been G d's grace that spared me
no doubt the LSD also helped

What is G d's plan?
I get the he be gee bees when preachers preach of G d's
plan.
There is a guy in san antonio that says Hitler was doing G d's will. He got a big mega church here, twenty or twenty five thousand members, and he was the spiritual adviser to the governor of Texas presidential campaign in 2004

o, you don't believe that some people are just born evis? (I am not speaking of Bobby Petrie, here) I am speaking of people who do evil. Not kids who bully for whatever their reasons are. I am talking about people who rape and murder babies. And other heinous things. I am sorry, this is not the forum for my rage, but there are just some things I think are not in God's plan at all.

Rage belongs here too
what better way to vanquish a disease called man then with poetry

thank for writing
I miss your work
please pardon another meander