to the universe. and myself

[SmileGRL]

god, universe, Life

by taking away a human being tangled up in me, there since the day i was born. my safety net. my blood. my brother. you have cut me. left a hole

Life,
how you injure. and heal
give sorrow. and joy
ability. and fear
and fear of fear
and death, as a matter of time
unfathomable

why must we suffer such loss and despair
such insecurities

to grow

i LOATHE you

i love
you
me
YOU

Life, i am trapped in your belly
i run in your belly
hide in your belly
ache in you belly
negotiating your digestive system
and your plans, of which i know nothing

i am too small
i understand nothing
i understand everything

i am scared
?how can i say “this is what i fear”
because,
what if you use it against me?
oh Life, how you torture me
it is not my fault. i am guilty
?what if i fail to conquer
or don’t measure up?
i am powerless
i am…you?

how is it fair to throw us into this dark pool of life without the knowledge of how to save ourselves? “SWIM!” you say when we are not ready

how is this love?
how is this noT love?

and none of this makes life (or death) any easier or less painful
it just makes it…LIFE


***
sorry, i have not been active here for a while. and i haven't written poetry in a while. but sometimes we endure such sharp pain that it makes it impossible not to revert back to our old safety nets. so here i am. and i haven't replied to anyone's posts. please forgive me

[judih]

This cry from the soul is gorgeous - sharply brilliant
mJ- please stay
here (we are)

[Perdida]

such pain, penned so beautifully...wish i could hold u.

mxx

[happytrails]

A truly inspirational poem. The pain comes across in waves. I was inspired to write a small poem of my own in response to your.

i live my life
in fear of life,
but continue to live
because
i fear death more.
living in fear
is death
but i find
no release
because
I am trapped
in my fear.

[SmileGRL]

judih...yes, here you are and i will linger because i have always been held with love here.... thank you judih. you are always such a light to me.

maree...like i wanted to hold you when your mom passed away. death (including those of loved ones) is the one thing we cannot escape. and hugs from friends, even if from afar, are just so healing on a soul level. yours are always welcome.

happytrails...hi. thanks for reading and being inspired. and inspiring others to think about life and death too.

i thought about your poem and weirdly, i do not fear death so much...maybe the "how" or the "when" (sometimes), but not the "that"...death to me means freedom from earthly suffering, being one with my maker again, maybe even the possibility of a second/fourth/millionth chance (although that's a whole new beehive).

but life...life scares the shit out of me. life cuts and breaks people all in the name of growth. no i am not a pessimist by nature. and i know there is joy in living and loving and giving. a lot of joy. it just gets me sometimes how we are part of this mystical experiment and we are thrown into situations (lives, traumas, etc) blindly forced to survive, forced to feel, blindly pissing off karma left and right because we do not know better. it just scares me. i can live my silly happy little imitation of life, but always in the back of my head there's this fear of "what next?" because this is obviously too good/boring/stagnant.

and then there is the longing to be the person my soul yearns to be, and the being frozen with i don't know how. or i'm too much of a coward. or too damaged to care or whatever. trapped. yes.

i don't live because i fear death more. i live because this is all there is...or no, it's not even a speck of what IS, but it's all we get. here and now. and if we don't deal with this here now, it'll just come back to haunt us.

right now i think i fear karma more than anything else....not just the simple "rule" of "you get what you sow (always)", but the "you attract what you fear" and the "you're stuck until you get it"...all of that terrifies me.


other than that. this poem was written after the loss of my brother. i had just written to a friend that i didn't get that "why?" moment...the "why him?" or "why now" you'd expect after losing a loved one. for some reason, after the shock blew over, i was clear on "it was his time" and at peace with it even though i will miss him fiercely. what i got instead was the "why is life such a torture fest? and how are we supposed to navigate it?" that's what this poem is. i stood in the shower and it wanted written down.

[happytrails]

I am so sorry that you lost your brother. That must be an unbearable pain. From it, you have brought forth a beautiful poem. He lives on, in your heart and your words. Not a comfort , I know, but it is something I truly believe. My grandson-in-law was killed by a drunk driver 4 years ago. When my great grandson told me he felt bad for his dad being gone, I told him that he would never be really gone as long as one person remembered to love him, he would still be alive in that person's heart. When he saw his mother crying one day (a couple of years later) and asked her why she was crying, she told him that she was missing his dad. He went to her and hugged her and said "Don't worry Mom, he is still alive in your heart because you love him and remember him." A lesson I wasn't sure he'd retain, because he was only 5 when his dad died.

[SmileGRL]

thank you HT.

my brother, 4 years older than me, died 12 days ago in a car accident. i have other step siblings, but he was my only biological brother. he left behind a wife, two teenage daughters and a little boy only starting school next year. he was the sweetheart of our family, always ready to help. family members said things like he inspired and touched so many people, didn't have one enemy and he was for most of them one of the most acceptable human beings in front of god. it's always a shock when someone you love dies unexpectedly, but it seems more so when that person was perceived as "a better" human being. not sure how better to explain that.

the other thing that shocked me and brought thoughts of destiny/karma back in focus was how he died. a car accident in itself, not so much, but placed in context of our family history, it was like a punch in the stomach. the history in my paternal family tree line being that my grandpa, dad, oldest cousin and my brother, all either the eldest or only sons, died relatively early in their lives in car accidents with some spooking similarities. some one said we possibly brought this continuous streak on our family because we might have labeled it a curse, gave it power and feared it. i can't believe that, but it still upsets me and makes me wonder about the past and the future of our boys.

you gave good advice to your great grandson. he will carry that with him and be able to use it every time he needs to.

[Steve Plonk]

SmileGRL, Sorry for the loss of your brother...I think that you DO have "a bird inside" and that bird is the "holy spirit". We tap into that bird every time we respond when someone is in need. God bless you...the World-soul is hearing you.

[SmileGRL]

thank you very much...the world soul. yes.

[happytrails]

This may sound like a contradiction; I have been told that I cannot believe in one without believing in the other, but I will say here and now. I do not believe in a family curse. There may have been too many losses in your family and perhaps eerie similarities, but you and yours are not cursed. I do however believe in blessings. Your family was blessed to have had your brother in your lives for as long as you did. You are blessed that he left behind children to carry on in his place. You are blessed that you will always have his memory to carry with you. And you are blessed that you have a gift with which to express your grief and to share it with your other family here at Studio 8.

[SmileGRL]

HT, i think your family is blessed to have a wise woman such as you in their midst. your words to me here are soothing and much appreciated. thank you. and yes, i am blessed to have many families, including S8.

[happytrails]

If I can soothe anyone in any way, I am glad. Losing someone to death is so hurtful, because it is so permanent. You can't go back a day and say, no wait let's do this instead. It is just over. You keep going over in your head, all the if onlies. But nothing changes. Four years later, and my granddaughter is still crying. Not as often, but still. She cries whenever their little girl does something she wishes her daddy could share. She was just over a month pregnant when that drunk decided that he could drive home because it was only a 10 minute drive, so he should be fine. He never even got to know that their baby was a girl. He had just learned that he was going to be a daddy 10 days before. The boy was his stepson, but he never introduced him that was. He always called him his son. But, He had never had a little baby that was his biological child. He was so excited. the little girl looks like her mom, but she has her daddy's smile. That is what I said about him whenever I saw him and he would come for a hug. "Here comes Rupert's smile."

[SmileGRL]

yes, death of a loved one always leaves a hole. i still miss my dad, wishing frequently we could have known each other as adults. and now my brother's kids will have the same yearning. it breaks my heart. my sister in law says that their middle child (a teen aged girl) hasn't cried yet. she herself says it still feels like her daddy is just away on a business trip and will come home any day now. i don't know when the reality of it will hit her, but i do know it will be one of the hardest things she'll have to deal with in her life.

[jim turner]

I know your despair ain't funny. Instead it's well stated and comes across. I thought mine, which ain't funny either, might lighten your day. Jim

It Just Ain’t Fair

Had not the old judge of earth
known how special I was,
having me painfully paddled
and sent supperless to bed
for childish sins I hadn’t sinned
or couldn’t know were wrong?

I felt he was cruelly unfair
and angrily sorry for myself,
until that bitterest of winters
froze our little goldfish pond
to stone as clear as glass
and unwary feet of geese
in rigid, merciless lakes of ice.

10/39/10

[Doreen Peri]

OMG... I am sooooo sorry to hear of this, Marjeanne. I send you hugs and love and every ounce of compassion and condolences in the universe. I read about your brother here and I am crying. ...... I'm just so sorry.... Sincere sympathies to you and your family.

I lost a cousin a couple of years ago in a car accident. He was only in his 20s. The morning after, I saw a caterpillar on my deck. I knew it was him and two days later, I saw a butterfly in the same area. It was him. I know it was him. It is so painful ... and I can't imagine what it is like to have lost your sibling, your brother.... ((((hugs))))

I don't know what else to say. I'm just so sad for you and send my love to you.

Your poem is beautiful. As are you.