Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

my subtlety escapes me this morning
it left with my former good nature
no longer able to play nice
with others, even here on leave
I've been banished to that place
where all combat vets end up
that place where normal life is absent
where everything is inconsequential

I miss my family though they sit in the other room
I love them, they love me, but we all know
things cannot go back to the way they were
before my deployments, please someone
forgive me for the innocent kids I killed
by mistake on their way to school, somebody
help me look beyond the nationalist cant
that lured a poor country boy in, help me look

beyond the seduction of modern weaponry
see beyond the graphic pornography
of sanctioned violence, look beyond
the inane rhetoric of presidents
where left and right are nothing more
than tortured feet that march as instructed
help me someone please, I've got another tour to do
I need to get focused



****** dedicated to the thousands of vets with severe PTSD
and their families, and to all combat vets that have been permanently altered physically and mentally and to all the suicide victims and their families....last month in Afghanistan, there were more suicides than combat deaths.

(typo first line, you want subtlety?)

This is really a hard type of poetry to write
I mean specific cause oriented polemic
it's hard because it starts to sound like cant
I think this is a strong subject just as you are a strong poet, steve. But this one misses me a little bit. Suggestion: personalize it a little more. You start to do it in the first two stanzas but lose it in the third which starts to sound too editorial or preachy. Needs a tangible symbol to pivot from like the physical letter of redeployment or something like that. Give him a name or give his wife or child a name. Make me feel like you are talking about a person and not a statistic.

(feel free to ignore any or all lrod suggestions. Would never presume to tell you how to write your poem.)

Saw I don't know much about poetry
or PTSD


I thought your poem was perfect

One question for Lightning Rod

Suggestion: personalize it a little more

I thought what you look for in poetry is what is "universal"

If you want to put a face on it try
Pfc. Jason Scheuerman

Image source =
http://razedbywolves.blogspot.com/2009/ ... neral.html

thanx for the thoughtful response clay....and spotting the typo...ooops
As I always do, I will consider your suggestions, but I was shooting for generality because the type of incidents described are no longer isolated instances, but rather the norm.....no one escapes modern battle without permanent damage.....note : I have written a number of specific poems, ie
a poem about the suicide victim Sgt. Jeffery Lucey that has all the gruesome details......that said, i will still think about making this a better poem as per your ideas...thanx

truck...thanx as well for the comments and great photos...I'm pleased this poem spoke to you

to both of you, if you have time visit the IVAW website ( Iraq Veterans
Against War...they have two new downloadable posters created with a partnership with Just Seeds Artist Cooperative that are very powerful and could be used as a way to heighten awareness....

Also Studio 8ers....please visit this site and consider a holiday donation to support the great work they are doing........thanx

If it can be better said, say it, but say this one more often and again and again.

[quote="saw"]

beyond the seduction of modern weaponry
see beyond the graphic pornography
of sanctioned violence, look beyond
the inane rhetoric of presidents
where left and right are nothing more
than tortured feet that march as instructed


I found your wordplay here visually stimulating, you created an interesting portrait of images. Great job Saw.

Totally with Stilltrucking on this one...it's perfect.
Powerful.
I wish a million others would read it....
H