Fifteen
Posted: November 25th, 2012, 12:59 am
When I was 15 I learned what Tequila meant.
I learned what it felt like to be drained and desolate and alone and tired and worn and frayed and fucking undone
I understood what that slow sweet burn was meant for
And that was the first thing I embraced
At 15 I understood what it meant to break a heart
But I knew nothing of love
What a cruel little bitch I was
With my nose always stuck in someone else's book
With my head too preoccupied with each new and exciting scenario of Kayla to care what anyway else thought
With my body already bored with one man, ready to move on to another'
At fifteen I didn't know that it took more than dick to make someone a man
At fifteen I understood sometimes selfishness gets you farther than kindness because the world is a fucking selfish place
I understood that home was a transient idea, with no real root in reality.
Just some bullshit they feed you so your corn pops taste sweeter before school every morning.
At fifteen I understood that life was too fucked not to have something to take the edge off.
Smoking helped.
The holes I burned in jeans when my head was in the clouds
The nights I came home still smelling of smoke
The church service I had to endure the next Sunday because at fifteen...
At fifteen I knew all about sin.
I knew all about the word "fuck".
Yet somehow I wake up in the morning now less of a sinner but far less pure of heart.
At least I knew who I was then
Or if I didn't,
At least I knew I wasn't ever going to be someone I'm not
I knew I wasn't going to fit in someone's neat and tidy little box
Dressed in pinafores, hair curled in tight ringlets
Why the fuck should I have cared about straight As when I knew all the answers in the textbook anyway?
At fifteen I knew more than I needed to but I never knew enough.
At fifteen I realized forever was an illusion so that you don't kill yourself and get it over with before God has the chance to.
At fifteen I realized I wanted to live anyway
Because fifteen year olds are nothing if not self-centered and pretentious.
They know more than need to, but they never know enough.
At fifteen I knew what freedom was like,
Arms wide open to the world
And what is curfew to the responsibilities that were yet to come?
The kids, the family, the dead end fucking jobs.
And suddenly I remember what Tequila means
And suddenly I remember what freedom means
And suddenly I remember what forever means
But none of it matters
Because none of it is real...
Unless you're fifteen,
I learned what it felt like to be drained and desolate and alone and tired and worn and frayed and fucking undone
I understood what that slow sweet burn was meant for
And that was the first thing I embraced
At 15 I understood what it meant to break a heart
But I knew nothing of love
What a cruel little bitch I was
With my nose always stuck in someone else's book
With my head too preoccupied with each new and exciting scenario of Kayla to care what anyway else thought
With my body already bored with one man, ready to move on to another'
At fifteen I didn't know that it took more than dick to make someone a man
At fifteen I understood sometimes selfishness gets you farther than kindness because the world is a fucking selfish place
I understood that home was a transient idea, with no real root in reality.
Just some bullshit they feed you so your corn pops taste sweeter before school every morning.
At fifteen I understood that life was too fucked not to have something to take the edge off.
Smoking helped.
The holes I burned in jeans when my head was in the clouds
The nights I came home still smelling of smoke
The church service I had to endure the next Sunday because at fifteen...
At fifteen I knew all about sin.
I knew all about the word "fuck".
Yet somehow I wake up in the morning now less of a sinner but far less pure of heart.
At least I knew who I was then
Or if I didn't,
At least I knew I wasn't ever going to be someone I'm not
I knew I wasn't going to fit in someone's neat and tidy little box
Dressed in pinafores, hair curled in tight ringlets
Why the fuck should I have cared about straight As when I knew all the answers in the textbook anyway?
At fifteen I knew more than I needed to but I never knew enough.
At fifteen I realized forever was an illusion so that you don't kill yourself and get it over with before God has the chance to.
At fifteen I realized I wanted to live anyway
Because fifteen year olds are nothing if not self-centered and pretentious.
They know more than need to, but they never know enough.
At fifteen I knew what freedom was like,
Arms wide open to the world
And what is curfew to the responsibilities that were yet to come?
The kids, the family, the dead end fucking jobs.
And suddenly I remember what Tequila means
And suddenly I remember what freedom means
And suddenly I remember what forever means
But none of it matters
Because none of it is real...
Unless you're fifteen,
