Studio8 - Uniting the Arts

five years ago
he beat me
somehow
i thought
that he would call
and say he was sorry
am i completely nuts?

i was-
in love
hard core

i knew
if i didnt get away
that i would die

ask me if i love him today
you will regret the wince
the pain in my face
the mist in my eyes

i was not the first
or the last
of women he will ruin
with his darkness
allure and mysterious moods

no wonder i took anti-depressants
felons and their =trips
probation officers
social workers
arresting officers
in hula skirts
@boyscout jamboree
the mother is twacked
police commissoner staring me down

i was the last to know
i had a defective man
a bully
manipulating woman hater
but i loved him=

i had a defective man
a bully
manipulating woman hater
but i loved him=

did you ever like this man?

i loved him-
i still do
i really thought he loved me toountil we got married
then i was trapped

did i ever think he was beautiful?
yes
i thought that he was hot- and i wanted him - loved his touch- his face-
and he kept pushing me away
telling me
i didnt show my love
the right way
i felt like i was shattered into a millon shards of glass-
i wassure
that it was my defects
that made it go awry
i even thought
that he would go heal and work on himself
and held the hope
that someday
we might try again
to love
each other
after having
really thought about it all
but
clearly
loving someone does not make them nice
it is a roll of the dice
i didnt know his mother would die
that he would lose his mind
i didnt know that anti- depressants dont work on me
i didnt know
how to help him
to love him
he seemed sort of caged up
lost inside
when i met him... he had just done a 5 year stretch for drugs-
like a child
suddenly free
i was intriged
i loved him
yes i did
but there is damages
that i could see
but could not repair

I try to imagine you with a wry smile
as you wrote that.




"he never stopped to wonder at the heartache in her eyes
if you could love him you would be jesus in disguise" the jitterbug

This is what is real for some: that contradiction of a man who is loved but who beats for the privelage. I know of no solution for the woman. I knew a guy who did this but he got hell in prison. I love how you tell the real and your unique style.

Thank u- just landed in sf!

I was thinking about Bukowski's wife and her wry smile.

thank you for writing

Ah the wry smile- yes- I know about that... Not so sure about. That bul- fellow s wife / well I have gotten up close and personal with a few wives- and that smile- is about believing that love will conquer all- at which point she said "conquer this" .. Because some things cannot be tamed- and that smile comes with wisdom- although it is grace that is the glue that holds it all together- still smiling- and passion coupled with imagination- is the best ever-

I READ THIS BOOK- 'ABUSIVE PARTNERS' AND IT PRETTY MUCH SHUTS DOWN THE CONCEPT THAT IT IS ON ONE PARTNER- HERE IS THE DEAL- THE VICTIM HAS To ALLOW THE ABUSE - that is the beginning- the victims- which would be both partners- have come from abusive famikies and were not aware, were aware or in total denial about how these behaviors can and do trigger other people- in some cases- triggering is a weapon of confusion-
throwing some one off track-critically assaulting them- and then saying 'just kidding' are abusive-
but for me
i feel it is all about communication- honesty- and can i be honest here?
is it safe? will i be fucked hard core in terms of time and energy- chastized for my feeling?
maybe it is better to not say anything until the right time? when is the right time?
well after the secrets -are churning in the belly- wanting out- not knowing how to get happy with someone who isnt happy either- well- i dunno- is that abuse?

what about the whole realizing it wasnt going to work long before i got beat up- maybe it pissed him off spiritually that i was not there anymore- i just left-
inside
yes that is abuse
and i am guilty
i may not have beat his face in- but i fucked him hard- and i was pissed that it didnt work- anti-depressants were melting my mind and if it were not for good herb i would have shot myself in the head- or him.
so yeah- sometimes we pick up where other people leave off-if i coudnt kill myself then well- i will find someone that will....
and after that book and some native legends- i guess i just closed up shop- because- it isnt worth it-
those dark eyes mean a fuck of a lot more to me- then anyone knows- that i loved someone that did not love me- well- if you had parents that really could give a fuck one way or another- well- that is abuse- and why wouldnt i choose someone who was going to be absent? either by working constantly or thinking as fast as a helicopter= man or woman- i meet these kinds of people-
obsessed with life money, jobs, projects, surfing- bizzness- - NOW is it like a spiritual practice to move around and mingle but do not get caught in the web-
so i needed to say- that some people are more suited to co-habiation then others- i consider a mate a distraction from my direction- my art- my writing- i think i would like a partner sometimes- but when i see the photos - of wat he looked like then-and what he looks like now- i know i did him well- but he will never really know me- or what i am- because i was a stepping stone in his career- and that gray ugly angry energy is no longer with him-
so these OUTBURSTS- heal us somehow- IF WE ALLOW IT TO- i am not a victim-but i am re-educated at what to look for- what to listen for-what i like - is that i trust my feeling--

I love you. You need not give any more. Your beauty exists on its own

Sorry, not sure if that came out the right way...

somehow- i have written and re-written this story enough now- and - i was a lucky one-
but-
what i will stick with is- -paint love- it bleeds one color into another- it gets all textured with brush strokes and layers-
but i still have feathers in my mouth and dreams in my head- laughter- yes- that is the best mediciine- love u=ring me up sometime-

Silly - let the paint decide- direct

funny how it would seem that those dark eyes re-surface and i see them everywhere-

i miss his eyes sometimes
long before whatever happened there
i miss laughing
and hilding his hands
but i am sure he never loved me now
as i was even then- my insecurity drown his rats
even when i get the random texts

he doesnt show up when he calls and sets up an appt

why- 2009-2015= we have been apart