me beatnik
Posted: October 13th, 2014, 12:33 am
At a twelve I wanted to be a beatnik
maybe it was the Kennedy assassination
maybe it was the catholic non education
maybe it was the Soupy Sales TV show
or the Peter Gunn theme that made jazz famous
on fifties television, maybe Maynard G. Krebs
yes, being a TV baby as Allen Ginsberg called it
had a lot to do with it, but also I was a non conformist
early on, I loved art and the Twilight Zone TV show
also tweaked my imagination, and of course Bucket
of Blood the movie that began with a beatnik poet
reciting, and I never forgot that because the poetry was
good, I still think it was good, that was the best part of
the film, that bearded poet reciting in the smoky cafe
I wanted to be a beatnik because I felt there was nothing
else to do, I already felt that way, I knew that everything
around me was fake, I don't remember ever having a birthday
cake, something was wrong with America, I could not salute
the flag, and feel like I meant it, I already was feeling
what was coming down the tube, even before I smoked my first
cigarette, I could feel the future and it did not feel like freedom
I had these strange thoughts in my head, and I need to be able
to somehow express my thoughts in words, I somehow knew
that was the only authentic thing left to do, when I became a teen
I felt like my life became a huge poem that I was living in
I then had had to figure out how to observe what was happening
around me, so that someday I could put that huge poem into
my own words, and live it, all this happening on a subconscious level
and all those years later, when I met some of those poets that
lived it like the huge poem was a dream that was timeless
as I stood there in front of City Lights Book store, like it all
happened in the future or a long long time ago, or in a split second
so I had to split man, and to be cool was not just to be silent
becoming a poet is not an easy thing to do, it's like becoming a crazy
you have to not worry about being crazy, and that is the hardest thing
about it, to become slowly crazy, in so far as that is the only way to stay
really sane, and that contradiction in terms in the hardest thing
you will ever do, because you have to live it down for the rest
of you days, its called, "the living end" by those who know
if all you ever write about is the living end, then you will have lived it
and all those who lived it, and live it until the living end, write it
even if nobody else ever reads what you have bleed through your eyes
for a few crumbs of words written on a unforgiving piece of white paper
in the jazz funeral dawn when your coming down from last night's drunk
you got to snap your fingers at the beat man, at the big beat of heart
at the center of everything, snap your fingers like Lenny Bruce
at the absurd abuse of everything man, snap your fingers like crazy, man
because the saints and whores and poets and artists come marching in
because Bobby Kaufman is still laughing on the jazz neon corner
and it's somewhere in fifty five and all them poet people are still alive
maybe it was the Kennedy assassination
maybe it was the catholic non education
maybe it was the Soupy Sales TV show
or the Peter Gunn theme that made jazz famous
on fifties television, maybe Maynard G. Krebs
yes, being a TV baby as Allen Ginsberg called it
had a lot to do with it, but also I was a non conformist
early on, I loved art and the Twilight Zone TV show
also tweaked my imagination, and of course Bucket
of Blood the movie that began with a beatnik poet
reciting, and I never forgot that because the poetry was
good, I still think it was good, that was the best part of
the film, that bearded poet reciting in the smoky cafe
I wanted to be a beatnik because I felt there was nothing
else to do, I already felt that way, I knew that everything
around me was fake, I don't remember ever having a birthday
cake, something was wrong with America, I could not salute
the flag, and feel like I meant it, I already was feeling
what was coming down the tube, even before I smoked my first
cigarette, I could feel the future and it did not feel like freedom
I had these strange thoughts in my head, and I need to be able
to somehow express my thoughts in words, I somehow knew
that was the only authentic thing left to do, when I became a teen
I felt like my life became a huge poem that I was living in
I then had had to figure out how to observe what was happening
around me, so that someday I could put that huge poem into
my own words, and live it, all this happening on a subconscious level
and all those years later, when I met some of those poets that
lived it like the huge poem was a dream that was timeless
as I stood there in front of City Lights Book store, like it all
happened in the future or a long long time ago, or in a split second
so I had to split man, and to be cool was not just to be silent
becoming a poet is not an easy thing to do, it's like becoming a crazy
you have to not worry about being crazy, and that is the hardest thing
about it, to become slowly crazy, in so far as that is the only way to stay
really sane, and that contradiction in terms in the hardest thing
you will ever do, because you have to live it down for the rest
of you days, its called, "the living end" by those who know
if all you ever write about is the living end, then you will have lived it
and all those who lived it, and live it until the living end, write it
even if nobody else ever reads what you have bleed through your eyes
for a few crumbs of words written on a unforgiving piece of white paper
in the jazz funeral dawn when your coming down from last night's drunk
you got to snap your fingers at the beat man, at the big beat of heart
at the center of everything, snap your fingers like Lenny Bruce
at the absurd abuse of everything man, snap your fingers like crazy, man
because the saints and whores and poets and artists come marching in
because Bobby Kaufman is still laughing on the jazz neon corner
and it's somewhere in fifty five and all them poet people are still alive
