lottery

[Terri]

sweet 3rd-shift joe
over at the convenience store
said
i had him out of here in like 30 seconds

the last robber, he meant
he had a knife
(the robber)
and he apologized

joe are you scared now?

no
'cause it's not MY
money
i don't really worry about it

i was like, dude
go ahead

(I was looking at
espresso Shotz
& Scarface keychains)

joe (named joe) said
(I was looking at Nickles white bread)

if it was my store, though

he has a pierced lip and a suntan
mows lawns every summer
(I mean joe)

i'd have a gun
(I was looking at Corn Nuts)
i'd shoot him in the back
i wouldn't say stop or drop it
just--

(I was looking at Red Bull)

and explain to the Police later

i'd feel better if he didn't live so close
(said joe)
i have to sweep the lot, unless it rains

joe has a friendly, open face

I was looking at
lottery tickets

[theirishsea]

Fascinating poem. Being a counterperson at a convenience store is a dangerous job.

The dialogue and your parenthetical asides in telling it are interesting.

I think it is Joe saying if it was his store he would plug the guy in the back and explain it later but it isn't his money.

Very understated tale that is intrinsically fraught with tension. Thumbs up on this all the way.

[stilltrucking]

THANK YOU

[revolutionR]

the description of the products is kinda eerie, the poem brings that out
ending with the word lottery, which hangs there, even more eerie
all this against the dangerous backdrop of possible robbery. Chilling!

[justwalt]

nice story
I love the short lines
and the perspectives
sweet indeed

thankx

[WIREMAN]

nice slice of skewered life, u made me see the objects.....itd b a cool video with some gansta soundin background

[the mingo]

what they said - twice

[68degrees]

Love the third shift reference. The corn chips. Not my money. There is just a lot to like here…it's very spatial. I know exactly where things are and to me that's important in a site specific setting.

This is a short play waiting to happen. A short story. And, of course, I nice poem. I'd take it a step farther and think about italicizing the conversations (or the hidden thoughts of the narrator) just to highlight the craziness.

Love it.

68degrees

[whoaisme]

this is a great poem. well done!

[judih]

love the sketch, the atmosphere, the space for imagination

[the mingo]

sketch/atmosphere/space for imagination -

wow judih - great touchstones all around -
O ! that's sssssssoooooo good !

THANK YOU

[Doreen Peri]

Terry... This piece rocks my world!

[Terri]

Dan, thanks. Yes, you got the story right...I was hoping it was fairly clear. What was so creepy was - well, that odd suspended-from-daytime-life feeling you can get on 3rd shift, and Joe (whose name even says he's a regular joe), this sweet-faced guy, talking about shooting someone. And apparently someone he knows, from his 'i'd feel better if he didn't live so close' comment. All the dialog is verbatim.

Thanks stilltrucking and thanks revolutionR. Yep, I wanted that word lottery to hang there at the end - lottery re whether Joe gets shot or Joe shoots someone, maybe even a lottery as far as who grew up to be a robber (who apologizes!) and who grew up to work 2 low-paid jobs.

Thanks walt and mingo and whoaisme, and Wireman and Doreen - if I had $$ I'd ask Mark to do a soundtrack and Doreen to read with it. What an idea

68degrees and judih - really visual for me too, the space in the store, the things I was seeing - they all seemed to have a sort of double entendre - Shotz and Scarface - violence, white bread and (corn) Nuts - Joe, Red Bull - being bullish.

Glad for the responses, thanks very much.

[Doreen Peri]

and Wireman and Doreen - if I had $$ I'd ask Mark to do a soundtrack and Doreen to read with it. What an idea

It wouldn't cost you a penny, Terri! I'd love to read and record this! If there's a way to collaborate with Wireman to create a recording, I think we should do it!

I don't have any earphones any more though I do have a handheld recorder and software to record tracks and an electronic keyboard and bongos and Mark has his "bag of tricks" percussion and flute instruments.... so who knows? Maybe this would be possible. This could be a terrific audio piece! If Mark wants to create the music track and sends it to me, I can record the audio on a separate track... or if he has time to come out here and work with me here, we can maybe do that.

Thanks for thinking of this... I don't know if it's possible, logistically, but it's something to think about doing.. definitely!

Another idea.. I also think you could read it ... and then, maybe Mark can add a music track to it.

[revolutionR]

Reminds me of a short story I read in English class so many years ago
called 'The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson.